I have briefly addressed the following conversation in an earlier essay; however, my intent here is to examine the essence of this particular conversation in more detail.
I believe that adults are required to address the oft times tough questions that children pose with as much sensitivity and honesty as possible -- keeping in mind that the ultimate purpose in answering the questions of children is to leave the door open for further exploration and discussion as time goes on. Too many times adults throw ill-conceived, hurriedly formulated, platitudinous answers at children in an effort to take care of the crisis of the moment with little thought about the effect those platitudes might have on the life of the youngster. Children deserve more than that from adults!
I understand completely how questions posed by a curious child can create anxiety in adults causing us to feel ill at ease in the process; however, that discomfort is no excuse for sloppily handling the sometimes potentially life-altering questions that come our way. I would much rather say that I don't know an answer but would be glad to work with them to find one than to flippantly throw out "gems of wisdom" not truly thought out or tested.
With that said, here goes!
I remember Kacie (my daughter) coming to me about three or so months after her mother died asking me: "Dad! Why did God take my mommy away from me?
How would I answer that question? That is one with which I had struggled all my life as well -- How could a loving God so cruelly jerk a beloved parent from the life of a child and then essentially say, "Deal with it!" Now, I say that because often one of the first things that we hear adults proclaim is that "It was God's Will and we may not understand it now, but it is for the best!" Have you ever heard that kind of talk? My guess is that you have.
I began to fumble and sweat to find an answer that would not minimize the serious nature of her inquiry while at the same time offer a framework in which we could talk further down the road as her needs dictated. In order to buy a little time I asked her a question in return.
"Kacie, who told you that God took your mommy away from you?"
Her answer initially stunned me; however, I was not offended -- only curious.
"You told me, Daddy!"
I was quiet for a moment and then realized that in the months since Christy's death, we had been in the presence of many, many people. At least once and likely more than that, she had heard the proclamation that her mom's death was somehow God's Will. I, being the only adult constant in her life, became the natural culprit -- the focal point simply because we interacted all the time.
I looked at her and said, "Sweetie, I really don't believe that God took your mommy away from you. You probably heard someone else say that. Why don't we sit down together and let's see if we can find a good answer for you.
As we sat, a story from one of my beloved college professors, Dr. Clint Dunagan, replayed in my mind. He shared one day in class that shortly after his 13th birthday, his father died when the plane on which he was a passenger crashed into the side of a mountain during a rain storm. He told us that he remembered hearing multiple adults in his home, at church and around town essentially say, "It was God's Will!"
I recalled the emotion that flooded his features when he said, "Whenever I heard that statement, all I could envision was a very large hand reaching down through the clouds, grabbing the tail of my father's plane and SLAMMING it into the side of that mountain with absolutely NO THOUGHT of how a 13 year old boy would be affected!" He went on to lead a rather lively discussion, but that picture made a lasting impression on me.
Kacie looked up at me waiting for a response. I thought a moment then happened to notice her favorite doll lying on her bed -- one of the American Girls Collection we had given her for Christmas just prior to Christy's death. I reached for the doll and asked,
"This is your favorite doll right?"
"Yes, Daddy!"
"And this is your doll because we gave it to you, right"
"Yes, Daddy!"
Then I said, "Kacie, what if I told you that this really was not your doll after all -- that we had given it to you simply for you to play with and that it was actually my doll because I still have the receipt that tells me so?"
She looked at me quizzically and I continued.
"Further, what if I told you that since it is really my doll I can take it back anytime I want to and that today is the day I want it back?"
Her confusion increased.
"Kacie, what if I took the doll away from you then right in front of you, pulled its arms and legs off; tore its head out of its body; ripped its clothes to shreds; threw it in the trash can; and then held out my hand with a smile and asked you to go get some ice cream with me -- what would you do?"
She twisted her face into an agitated snarl and said,
"I would be very angry and I would kick you!"
I said, "I'm sure you would, Honey! I'm sure you would! It's for that reason that I cannot say that God took your mommy away from you. You see, He feels the same way you do about what happened to your mommy. Every time you cry, He cries. Every time you hurt, He hurts. Every time you are lonely, He is there with you."
She sat quietly for a few minutes and gently stroked her doll's hair, smoothed its clothing and then hugged it tightly.
I waited, wondered and worried just a little. Had the answer accomplished its purpose? Had it provided a framework for future discussions? Had it preserved the doorway for her own personal spiritual development?
Finally, she reached out, took my hand in hers and asked, "Can all THREE of us go get some ice cream now Daddy?"
"You bet we can, Honey! You bet we can!"
Needless to say, that one conversation opened the door for many more similar discussions over the years. In fact, I believe that it opened a door that remains open to this day and provided the groundwork for her to establish a deeply personal faith and belief system that works for her.
What are some things that children need when they ask questions that demand more than one-liners and platitudes? Perhaps the following will help guide us:
- They need honesty -- we don't need to pretend that we know everything!
- They need time -- we must MAKE the time if necessary in order to address their questions and concerns!
- They need a voice -- we must ask questions of clarification sometimes in order to understand the nature or source of their question.
- They need a acceptance -- we must work to create an atmosphere in which they will feel completely comfortable to ask anything they need to ask.
- They need affirmation -- we must work to ensure that they know we appreciate their desire to understand.
- They need "touch points" -- we must work to provide pictures, examples, tangibles or stories to which we can return when the next questions arise.
- Most of all, they need love -- we must work to extend and express unconditional love in order to ensure continued conversations with them.
When life deals us "mean times" and children have questions -- and both of these are realities -- I believe that we can effectively address both if we will work to understand and implement the guidelines listed above. As the late Dr. Byron Medler -- dear friend and mentor -- used to say, "Difficult, but not impossible!
Until next time . . . Peace!
Mark
Copyright 2008 Mark E. Hundley
Comments