Strange Holiday Mix
I know that the title of this essay might cause a little concern at first glance -- an well it should! I struggled a bit about whether or not to post this one at the beginning of the Holiday Season and finally decided that there is no better time than the present.
As I sat around the Thanksgiving table this year with my children and three grandsons, my thoughts drifted back to that first Thanksgiving after the death of my first wife in 1989. My daughter was seven, about to turn eight. I recalled the cold emptiness that filled my soul as the reality of her absence settled at a deeper level on that day of giving thanks. I have healed since that first Thanksgiving and subsequent Christmas without a loved one and for that I am grateful; however, I know full well that healing does not mean forgetting. Healing allows for remembering with perspective and connecting with purpose.
While a large majority of us will sit down around celebratory tables this Holiday Season with family and loved ones, there are families who will find themselves staring at an empty chair around the table. One once filled by a dearly loved family member now missing from the festivities! The power, purpose and presence of that person will echo only in the canyons of memory -- either shared or contemplated in the still quiet of solitude. Many families all across this land face similar circumstances -- the absence of a loved one due to the experience of a death loss. Whether as a result of illness, violence, accident or war many, many have been touched by the shadow of death and will struggle with moving through the Season with any semblance of normalcy.
You might wonder what this has to do with "Crucial Conversations with Children" -- especially when the word "addiction" is thrown into the mix.
The Catalyst for this Conversation
A week prior to Thanksgiving, I attended the funeral of a young man -- a recent graduate from high school -- where perhaps one of the most crucial conversations ever with children took place. Now, I have participated in countless funerals in my 55 years on this earth -- both as a mourner and an officiant -- but I do believe that this particular funeral affected me in ways none other has. Because of his age, most of the mourners in attendance were either teens or young adults along with their parents. I was not surprised to see the two groups segregated by an invisible line -- parents on one side and the teens/young adults on the other. Each group visibly struggled with thoughts and feelings discordant with the age and life stage at which they found themselves. Death should not occur so early in life!
I am convinced that teens and young adults (those in their early twenties) are merely children in adult bodies and need more TLC than they routinely receive when facing difficulties in life. In over 37 years of working with youth, I have seen this reality play out time and again! Young people thrust into the arena of an adult world still struggling to shed the remnants of childhood -- generally clinging to one another for comfort and guidance when tragedy strikes.
The young man whose life AND death served as the catalyst for the solemn memorial cried out for a crucial conversation of an extremely unique nature -- and the officiant provided such a conversation.
The conversation to which I refer was more of a monologue -- one characterized by brutal honesty, compassionate consideration and otherworldly wisdom. You see, the young man whose life was memorialized and mourned on that day was an addict. He had been in treatment on more than one occasion and by all accounts was doing well. The one delivering the message is the director of the treatment center most recently visited by the young man.
I have never been in a service as raw and honest as this. Routinely, such services dance around the painful realities surrounding certain types of deaths. This one did not. With the permission and encouragement from the young man's parents, the director told a story that ripped through the facade of false sophistication that often insulates parents and teens alike from the harsh realities and possibilities of addition. I took notes on the message shared that day so that what follows is the essence of one of the most powerful and needed conversations I have ever witnessed.
The Conversation
"This young man had an addiction to drugs. He eased into in unaware that it would take hold of him so completely!"
"I was so proud of the progress he was making! He was battling like a warrior and was gaining ground!"
"One never overcomes an addiction! Once you are an addict, you are always an addict and walk a thin line between winning and losing!"
"His life and determination were an inspiration to all who knew him. Although I knew him only through treatment, I was deeply impressed with his passion for life!"
"I do not believe that he intended to take his life! He talked of a future filled with promise -- a future filled with the pursuit of dreams and goals!"
"I do not know what happened -- perhaps a moment of rage or a moment of fear or a moment of despair! I do know that if he could have taken only ten seconds more to consider the finality of his choice, he might not have ended his life with that gun -- just ten seconds more than the two that took his life!"
"We both celebrate his life and mourn his passing today! If he were able to speak today, he would tell those of you in the congregation who are troubled with addiction or walking the path toward addition to stop, take stock of where you are and get some help!"
"He would want your life to continue on -- free from the shackles of addiction! He would want you to live!"
The Outcome of the Conversation
I do not know how others were affected by that conversation, but I was blown away! I observed young people and parents in the vast congregation and noticed grimaces, flinching and tears at the honesty shared on that day.
I can only hope that the parents, teens, young adults and concerned others present took seriously the gift that was offered in that memorial. Following the service, the invisible line remained in tact -- young people comforting young people and adults comforting adults. I am hopeful that at least a few parents and teens connected and comforted one another. I am further hopeful that some of those conversations led to more serious discussions of problems. Perhaps later on those adults and young people afflicted by addiction took his words to heart and began the process of coming to terms with the ugliness of addiction and and began moving toward sobriety -- Perhaps!
The lessons communicated that day were numerous and powerful!
- Addiction is not a respecter of persons.
- Addiction is serious -- it can debilitate or kill.
- Addiction cannot be addressed in solitude.
- Addiction is forever -- we learn to manage, not defeat it!
- Addiction takes on many forms -- not just drugs or alcohol.
- Addiction requires that the addict seek assistance.
As painful as it was to hear those words that day, the message was one that needs to be shared openly and honestly with children (and adults alike) in order to potentially circumvent tragedies such as the one that brought all together on that occasion.
The family touched most intimately by this tragedy spent Thanksgiving contemplating an empty chair at the table. They will do so again during the next phase of the Holidays and will from this point forward. The addiction won -- but only in the sense that it took the life of one young man. I firmly believe that the stance taken by this family in the aftermath will ultimately awaken the collective awareness of many other young people and families to the dangers of addiction and in so doing, steer at least some from a similar path.
I ask of you two favors: First, please remember this family in your thoughts and prayers when you pause to celebrate with your family throughout the rest of the Holidays. Second, if you or any member of your family is troubled by addiction or think there is that possibility, please determine to take definitive action to address the issues. Please, do not allow addiction to win without a fight!
Until next time . . . Peace!
Mark
Copyright 2008 mark E. Hundley
This comment was sent to me directly via email and is posted with the writer's permission. MH
"How interesting that you would write this article. We experienced a very similar incident in 2004, Rhys was 13. He had been playing soccer about 5 years and had been thru numerous coaches. Finally getting a young man who was willing and had the knowledge to coach these boys to a higher level...his name was Brian Benton . As with all young men, we knew that he drank somewhat but he never was drunk or drinking around the boys and all were grateful for that. On a particular Saturday morning when the boys were to play in a SAT./Sun. tourny, we received a call that Brain had been found dead in his apt. from an apparent overdose. Totally stunned by the call, the next task was how to talk to our very impressionable 13 year old. The approach was similar to yours, we talked about life and mistakes and how they follow you around. Rhys sat quietly and began to cry. Of course his first question was "why, we thought he liked us"....then "what do we do now".....Both questions were addressed quickly addressing the "liked us" part was the most difficult. Rhys thought it was something the team had done to disappoint Brian....just a child thinking. After a bit he seemed to come around and realize it was nothing "the team" had done but a mistake Brain had made for a long time. The boys played that weekend, not very well, with their assistant coach and afterwards all met together to talk about what had happened. The most impressive conversations I had ever heard and will never forget...The adults stayed totally quiet and let the boys deliver feelings about their coach.
As you spoke the day of the funeral, I saw lots of the same grimaces on adults as well as boys. Coaches tend to leave lasting impressions on students and while the impression that Brain left seemed, at the time, to be not the best one....over the last 4 years it has given way to very interesting conversations with the same group of boys. They realized lots of things that day and are continuing to carry those thoughts with them....hopefully in a very positive way."
Jane
Posted by: Mark Hundley | November 29, 2008 at 04:29 PM