When You Least Expect It!
I don't know about you, but often some of the most challenging tasks I face come at me when I least expect them! Life, I think, sometimes has a way of lulling us into a false sense that all is well -- that everything is cool -- only to sneak up on us and smack us on the head!
Today marks the twentieth anniversary of my first wife's death! Needless to say, when that event occurred in my daughter's and my life, we were taken completely by surprise -- ambushed, if you will, by the unexpected! Now, some have a little warning about an impending death as in the situations that include a long-term terminal illness. Yet, when the moment finally comes for the loved one to leave this life, there still is an element of the unexpected attached to the event.
Whether or not there is warning about the death of a loved one, the need to address the accompanying grief is paramount.
Control what you can!
Although we have almost no control whatsoever about what comes our way when looking at the death of a loved one, we do control at least one aspect of the process -- how we choose to deal with the aftermath.
Too many of us seek to control the actions, beliefs, perceptions or feelings of others when all we truly have the opportunity to control is our own personal set of mourning strategies.
One of the most important of those choices is the choice to talk about what we feel and experience. Children tend to experience grief in conjunction with a general developmental time-line matching age with cognitive, emotional and volitional capabilities. Generally speaking, the language of emotion for children is play -- they tend to express complex ideas and feelings through play when they are unable to do so verbally. Although children develop at different rates within each developmental stage, articulate verbalization is an acquired skill that progresses as children grow.
That being said, typically children use BOTH play and words to express feelings about what is going on in their lives. It is our job to pay attention to what is expressed and in what manner. Bottom line with a grieving child? Encourage them to "talk" in whatever method is most appropriate for them.
The Sick Man
About seven or eight months following Christy's death, Kacie and I made a trip to Albuquerque, New Mexico, where she was born. We were visiting friends and doing some sight-seeing.
Kacie always was a very verbal child and used spoken language quite well. As a result, she and I conversed routinely and often about her mother's death. When words were not quite available, we would employ art or stories or general play as outlets.
For about two weeks prior to this particular trip, Kacie had become uncharacteristically quiet regarding her mother's death and her feelings about it. Almost commensurate with the sudden quiet, she began to complain of stomach aches, head aches and trouble sleeping.
While driving around one day in Albuquerque, we had the following conversation:
"Kacie, are you feeling OK? I notice you didn't eat much breakfast. Does your tummy hurt?
"I'm fine!"
"Well, I was just checking because I know how much you like waffles and you hardly touched yours today.
"I'm FINE, Daddy!"
This part of the conversation took place without her even glancing my direction.
"Well, I was thinking . . . since you have been telling me about your stomach and head hurting so much lately, maybe I need to take you to the doctor to see if there is something wrong with you that we can take care of."
"NO, Daddy! I said I am FINE!"
Well, my first thought was, "Not!"
Anyway, as I drove, the idea for a little story came to me and I proceeded with care.
"Hey, Kacie! Mind if I tell you a story? She was used to me telling her stories since that was part of our routine.
"OK, Daddy!"
"Well, it seems that there was a man who was really sick on the inside -- so sick that he decided to go to the doctor."
"The doctor checked him over, asked some questions and took his temperature and then took him to his office." As the man sat in the doctor's office the doctor said, 'Well, you're sick all right!'"
"The man got a little mad because he KNEW he was sick and he told the doctor as much!" 'I know I'm sick! I want you to tell me how to get well!'"
"The doctor said, 'Oh, I can do that! What will make you better is a long series of shots! All you have to do is take these shots and in time you will be better!'"
I looked over at her to see if she was paying attention and when I paused she gestured for me to continue, so I did.
"Kacie, the Sick Man said, 'Absolutely not! There has to be another way! I hate shots! I hate the pain of shots! I hate the sight of blood -- especially when it is mine! There has to be something else to do -- a pill you can give me -- anything but a shot! ANYTHING!'"
I had her attention then because she hated shots as well!
I continued. "Kacie, the Sick Man was in a really tough spot, wasn't he?"
"Yes, he was Daddy!"
"Well, the doctor responded to the Sick Man and said, 'I'm sorry. There isn't another way for you to get better. You can choose to take the long series of shots and eventually get better or you can choose to not take the shots and stay the way you are. It's your choice!'"
"Kacie, the Sick Man sat there for a few minutes, finally looked at the doctor and said, 'OK, I'll take the shots!'"
I paused briefly again and then asked her a question. "Kacie, how are you and the Sick Man alike?"
She sat quietly for a while with her arms folded and a scowl on her face. After a bit she cut her eyes my way and said with a little frustration, "Talkin's the shots, Daddy! Talkin's the SHOTS!"
The Valuable Lessons
I sat there amazed that this little seven year-old girl was able to grasp the point of the story so clearly. Talking is indeed the shots when it comes to healing from the pain of losing a loved one. She got it! I can say that from that time forward, all we had to do was refer to the Sick Man as a reminder to continue to express feelings related to grief. In fact, we still do to this day!
What are the lessons we can learn in order to be better equipped to support children as they learn to mourn their losses in healthy ways?
- Children need to be given both permission and instruction to express their feelings of grief.
- Children sometimes need assistance in finding the most appropriate means of expressing their feelings -- words, art, play, etc.
- Children need to know that talking can sometimes be painful, but helpful in the long run.
- Children often need assistance in defining words related to the feelings associated with grief so that the point of reference for all conversations is consistent.
- Children need to know that they have the freedom to talk or not talk -- they should never be forced to talk, but alway given the option to do so. They need to know there is always an open door.
- Children need to know that they can ask the same questions over and over again using the same words without being made to feel silly. By asking the same questions time and again using the established vocabulary, children are able to add to their knowledge and understanding of the process in which they find themselves.
You know, as I write this, I am keenly aware that adults often need to be reminded that "talkin's the shots" when we face difficulties as well! As they say on the airplane, "If the oxygen masks drop down, make sure yours is secure first, then assist your children with theirs."
I am hopeful that this little story provides a frame of reference as you work with the children in your life.
Until next time . . . Peace!
Mark
Copyright 2009 Mark E. Hundley
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