LOST is More than a Television Show
I must admit that I am likely one of the biggest fans of LOST! I love that show! So many subtle slashes at our collective psyches intent on pushing us to examine life from different perspectives. Oh, there are other favorite television shows of mine that do the same thing, but LOST does the job in ways that the others do not!
As much as I love watching LOST, I am keenly aware that LOST is more than a television show! For all of us, at one time or another, LOST is a reality! Life comes along, dishes out a "mean time" that knocks us out ot the air and slams us to the turf. Then it seems as if Life stands over us, taunting us to get up - threatening to thrash us some more if we dare do so! Yes, Life can be a bully sometimes. In those times when Life does tap its darker side, LOST is what we feel - what we experience - what we are!
Those are the times when all seems LOST!
A Personal Reflection
Today, January 24, 2009, marks the twentieth anniversary of an event that caused me to feel more lost than at any other time in my life thus far! As I sit before the keyboard this morning, I have a hard time believing that twenty years have passed since that fateful morning. So much happened that day and even more has taken place since then -- enough to fill a book! Don't worry, though! I will NOT write a book here -- just a reflection of this anniversary.
You see, January 24, 1989, dawned as so many other days -- just one more normal day. My wife, Christy - a teacher at Plano East Senior High School, our then seven year-old daughter, Kacie and I each had plans for that day that were unremarkable; routine; normal. Little did we know that drastic, extraordinary change awaited us a mere few hours in the future.
Christy left the house at 7:10 am for her job. I continued assisting Kacie in getting ready for school and her "Brownie" meeting after school. I mentally outlined my day.
At around 7:20 am, I heard a siren in the distance. A voice inside said, "That's Christy!" I was startled and incredulous as to the reason for that insane intrusion into my mind.
Around 7:40 am, the phone rang and I was informed by the police dispatcher that Christy had been involved in an accident and that I needed to go to the hospital as quickly as possible.
Around 7:45 am, while working to comfort Kacie, I made three calls -- to her school, to Christy's parents and to my best friend -- and proceeded to take Kacie to school and then rush to the hospital.
From 8:10 to 9:10 am, the waiting room was a flurry of activity -- friends, family, co-workers and community members congregating at the hospital as news spread of the accident. Periodic updates from the operating room provided clouded hope.
At 9:10 am, the primary surgeon on Christy's case entered the waiting room and time stood still. I knew before he spoke, yet his words served as an emotional wrecking ball. "I'm sorry to tell you this, Mr. Hundley. There is no easy to tell you, but . . . your wife is dead!" That emotional wrecking ball crashed into my back, knocking me to the floor where I remained face-down, reeling from the impact of the news.
Almost immediately, I found myself looking down on the surreal picture of ME on the floor with people urging me to get up -- telling me that everything was going to be all right! I recall saying to myself, "All right, hell! Things will NEVER be all right again!"
After a few moments, I heard an internal voice address me. "Mark, there are lots of people here and they don't know what to say and they don't know what to do! There are lots of decisions to be made and the only person who can make them is YOU . . . so, get up and start making them NOW!" I immediately found myself back with myself and responded to the internal prompting. I got up, sat on the sofa and began talking with the doctor -- doing the next thing in front of me.
I became aware of a sermon delivered by my college pastor, Dr. James Flamming in February 1974 entitled, "Living in the Meantimes." He said, "When your mean time comes, you must learn to do three things. You must learn to lean heavily on God. You must learn to lean heavily on your friends and family. You must learn to DO THE NEXT THING!" Those three simple directions became my personal mantra.
The Toughest "Next Thing!"
Not long after I finished talking with the doctor, the door opened and Kacie was brought to me. She looked scared and confused.
"Daddy, how's Mommy?"
I motioned for her to sit in my lap. "Kacie, Mommy won't be coming home with us again. Her body was hurt too badly in the accident and it won't work anymore. Kacie, Mommy is dead!"
The news hit her as it had me, only she wept silently. I will never forget the the experience of holding her close while sobs of grief convulsed her little body. I feel her devastated seven year-old body in my lap even today! After what seemed like an eternity, she spoke.
"What do we do NOW, Daddy?"
"Honey, I'm not sure, but I do know this -- We have our Faith, we have our Family and Friends and we have Each Other . . . and we're going to make it!
As I sat there on that fateful morning, I became keenly aware of the gravity of the tasks that lay ahead and I did not want to give her false hope. At some deeper level, I pictured myself with Kacie in my lap -- with BOTH of us in God's lap and I asking the same question -- "What do we do NOW, Daddy?"
The Journey
I can say with surety that over the past twenty years, the mantra has worked. I have sought to employ its power and truth at every turn in my life -- with varying degrees of success depending on how many times I sought to "go it alone" rather than reach out or inward.
When all seemed LOST, I found hope, power and direction to move me through the pain and toward a new and different life that awaited creation. I continue to tap the power of that mantra even today and likely will for the rest of my life.
The journey that began for Kacie and me that day was'nt the only journey that commenced. There were others touched by the events of that day.
To Christy's parents, all seemed LOST when one of their three children died.
To Christy's grandparents, all seemed LOST as one of their grandchildren disappeared from their lives.
To Christy's students, all seemed LOST because their beloved teacher and friend entered into the pages of history, never to be seen in person again.
To Christy's colleagues, all seemed LOST due to the removal of her love and enthusiasm for her chosen career.
To many others -- too numerous to mention -- all seemed LOST to some degree because she no longer trod the paths of this world.
If pain and loss and absence and despair were the only byproducts of such an experience, then perhaps I would be unable to write these words on this day. Gratefully, that is not the case.
Living off the Interest
In the process of learning to live in the "Meantimes" of this experience, I have been privileged to live off the interest of the active relationship that ended on that day twenty years ago. Here are just a few of the positives that have come as a result of my choices to engage life, mourn this loss, reconcile myself to its effects and integrate its lessons into the fabric of who I am.
- I met and married Vanessa - a blessing for which I am grateful every day I breathe!
- In addition to my lovely daughter, Kacie, I gained two wonderful children -- Chris and Brandy!
- I was able to recreate a career path that includes counseling, writing, speaking and teaching!
- I have been privileged to join together with six other concerned professionals to found The Journey of Hope Grief Support Center a non-profit that provides free group grief support to children, adolescents and their parents or adult caregivers as they learn to mourn the death or impending death of a loved one.
- I have written one book, Awaken to Good Mourning, that has found its way into the hands of 40,000 people providing comfort and guidance for their journeys of grief.
-
I have spoken to thousands across the country -- sharing my story and providing hope in the process -- a truly humbling experience.
The list could go on, but I promised no book this time around!
It sometimes seems only moments ago!
As I spoke with Kacie this morning, the familiar emotional swell surrounding the events of twenty years ago began bubbling to the surface yet again.
Kacie shared how very difficult this week leading up to the twentieth anniversary of her mother's death has been. She described a dark hole that cannot be filled, developing in her heart with a throbbing pulse all its own -- an apt description of what can happen when a child loses a parent. She will spend time today processing, thinking, feeling, writing and talking -- as will I!
Twenty years! I find it almost incomprehensible that it has been that long -- but it has. So many with whom I have had the privilege of working through the years share similar sentiments when processing the death of a loved one. That's just part of the process.
Tears pooled in my eyes and my voice cracked this morning as I told Kacie how very proud of her I was on that day twenty years ago and how very proud I am of her now and how much I love her. Life is so very precious -- too precious to take for granted. I am reminded of the importance of cramming every moment with as much love and patience and caring and meaning as possible so that when those moments from the past are experienced as if they just happened, we will be able to reflect regret free! Tall order, but doable if we will but remember the mantra!
When all seems LOST!
Thank you for allowing me to share these personal reflections today. I know that many of you may be in the middle of a time in your life where all seems LOST! Others of you may be struggling with the aftermath of an event that has passed but still seeks to take control of your thoughts, emotions and actions. Still others of you perhaps live in fear that something will happen soon that might cause you to feel that all is LOST!
Remember, part of living this life means that we will experience events from time to time that cause us to come face-to-face with the fear that all is LOST. When that happens, my hope is that you find comfort, guidance and strength in the mantra.
- Lean heavily on God or your Faith.
- Lean heavily on your Friends and Family (the resources around you).
- Learn to Do the Next Thing (staying connected with the reality of what lies ahead by tapping into our personal strength).
Where are you today? With what are you struggling? Are you seeking to go it alone? What would keep you from adopting the mantra? I urge to you do so!
Until next time . . . Peace!
Mark
P.S. Please visit website for The Journey of Hope at http://www.johgriefsupport.org to see how others just like you are learning to live with hope!
Copyright 2009 Mark E. Hundley
Thank you for your post and for the resources. I've recently started writing for Type A Mom as the "Widowed Mom" editor and am always looking for resources to point people toward.
I find it so helpful to hear from others who have had the same experiences.
Sherry
Twitter: prcarrd
Posted by: Sherry | January 30, 2009 at 11:30 AM
Beautiful and inspiring life story, a return of hope for many out there. Thank you for sharing! :)
Posted by: daria369 | January 29, 2009 at 03:55 PM
Thank you for sharing your personal story & how your life has turned around in such wonderful ways.
Yes, there is always hope when all feels LOST.
I had the pleasure of meeting Russell Friedman last weekend. He is a grief expert & author of a popular book on dealing with grief. I wonder if you know him?
Thank you for all you do & who you are!
Warmly,
Felicia
Follow me on Twitter: http://Twitter.com/FeliciaSlattery
Posted by: Felicia Slattery | January 28, 2009 at 10:30 PM
This story reminds me of nine little words.....
Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.
I'm not sure who wrote those poignant words but they say it all. Memories are something we are 100% in control of. Use memories to SERVE YOU rather than allow them to use you. Our mind is a tool. We choose to use it for poverty or prosperity, joy or suffering, health or disease.
Thank you for sharing.
Love and Hugs,
Shelby Collinge
Posted by: Shelby Collinge | January 28, 2009 at 12:10 PM
Your story is an inspriation to other s feel they have lost it all. You are a blessing to everyone who reads this as Christy was an inspiration to you.
Posted by: Jill Betz Freeman | January 28, 2009 at 09:53 AM
Very moving post. Thank you for sharing. I'm sure everyone that reads will remember the 3 things your pastor told you. Its a blessing.
Posted by: Robin @ Heart of Wisdom | January 28, 2009 at 08:05 AM
Excellent post. You have inspired me to write more about my loss. No need to hide it away as if it didn't happen. It was a huge turning point in my life and has molded me into the person I am today. Thanks for sharing and inspiring!
Posted by: Diana Young | January 27, 2009 at 09:44 AM