Holidays "R" Us!

A few years back, my wife Vanessa and I were called upon to present a session related to Holiday challenges faced by individuals and families.  As we did a little brainstorming about how to address some of the more common Holiday challenges, we decided to create a few "Common Holiday Characters" with which most of us are familiar.  These characters resonated so well with those who attended the session, that we routinely dust them off each Holiday Season as a way to stay in touch with the experiences of our clients throughout the Holidays.

I invite you to read the following cast of characters and see if you can identify with any of the descriptions.  Perhaps, we have nailed the description of some of your family members.  Perhaps even you identify with one of the characters in a personal way.

Ultimately, our purpose in creating these characters is to encourage all of us to examine our expectations and actions related to the Holidays and where/when necessary, make appropriate changes or adjustments.

I hope you enjoy reading and invite your comments or even suggestions for other characters to add to the mix!  Happy Holidays!

HOLIDAYS “R” US!

 

A Cast of Characters

 

Last Minute Louie – This guy believes in delaying everything to the absolute last minute!  Shopping, sending greeting cards, making travel plans, responding to invitations, opening mail with important information or directions, arriving at family gatherings, etc. are all relegated to the back burner!  He does this, at least in part, to avoid various realities that might impact the Holidays – i.e., financial deficits, not enough time, embarrassing changes in his lifestyle or direction, to give himself the appearance of pseudo importance to cover a sense of inadequacy and security and the like.  This approach provides him with a plethora of excuses for not attending certain functions, seeing or not seeing certain individuals, committing to too many events, and the like.  You just never know when/if/where/how Louie might respond or show up!

 

Uncle Ebeneezer – This character takes his expression of displeasure with various aspects of his life away from their true source and displaces those feelings on other, usually unrelated events or people.  These expressions most often appear as anger toward people, activities and events that are safer and less threatening than the real issues with which he struggles.  He becomes the “bah, humbug” of the Holidays.  Often, personal relationships become distressed and strained.  Additionally, work difficulties, chronic agitation, a bitter orientation toward life in general, self-hatred and debilitating depression may result.

 

Charlie Changer – Change for the sake of change is the calling card for old Charlie!  He has a difficult time accepting that parts of people, situations and Holidays change a little each day or each observance.  In order to combat this discomfort with the natural cycle of change, his mission becomes changing everything he can with little or no care for the feelings of others.  He is an all-or-nothing, black-or-white kind of guy.  A new car, a new relationship/girlfriend/spouse, a new job (the best one ever, by the way), a new way of celebrating the Holidays are routine for him.  Things rarely have time to become meaningful – they MUST be changed!

 

Aunt Mini Mizer – This person tends to laugh off past Holiday disasters as being “nothing.” She does not validate the importance or impact of past Holiday events;  therefore, the experiences of others are minimized in the process.  She is the true "Queen of Denial” and seeks to keep unpleasant memories at bay by controlling her feelings about past events or present fears and anxieties.  She also seeks to control the feelings and experiences of other family members as well.  If she successfully reduces Holiday realities to “mere gnats in the soup,” then they can be extracted and cast aside without notice or impact.

 

Hilda Hypochondriac – Keep the smelling salts handy, the Ben-gay in stock and the medical dictionary opened!  Hilda is coming with the latest disease, ache, pain or malady!  She is the one who conveniently passes out almost every Holiday gathering just as the time arrives to do the dishes.  She will tell you about every new exotic germ or bacteria to hit the world as well as others that haven’t yet ~ and she has the all!  In reality, she is likely to be the one in the family that internalizes her distress, feelings of loss or emotional pain and expresses them through real or imagined illnesses.  She has yet to learn that healthy expression of grief can help her heal the feelings that she somaticizes.

 

Busy Aunt Bea – This delightful person is the one who is constantly scurrying around cleaning, filling empty glasses or bowls, dusting, cooking, slicing and dicing everything in sight!  Don’t set your plate or cup down for even a second or she will whisk it away before you can whistle!  Staying busy for busyness sake is the name of her game.  She obtains a certain sense of purpose and identity in what she does.  No one is ever sure whether Aunt Bea ever eats anything because on one ever sees her sit down.  She often arrives four hours early “just to help out a bit” after staying up all night the night before doing last minute baking and cooking.  She is secretly afraid of what might happen to her if she ever slows down to take care of herself.

 

Paula Plastic – Paula is the shopping addict of the bunch!  The more credit cards the merrier!  Why buy just one gift per person when three will do?  Worry about the bills at the end of the month?  Not her!  She is a sucker for the “No payments until June” kind of advertisements that litter the media!  Rampant, unchecked spending is just a way to medicate her feelings of loneliness, loss or insignificance.  Each shopping binge is the next “fix” in this debilitating addiction.  No matter how much she spends or buys, it is never enough!

 

Betty Buffet – This person is the one who just loves the Holidays because of all the wonderful food of the Season!  She is the one who has continual cravings for food.  The cravings are often experienced as a compulsion and she feels no personal power to moderate her eating.  This may be an unconscious attempt to fill an emotional void with food.  Many families have at least one person who fits this description and sometimes, entire families are afflicted by this malady.  Betty can easily become the butt of many cruel jokes and remarks. She might even laugh with those who deride her all the while shriveling on the inside.

 

Uncle Bud Wiser – The funny walk, the lampshade on the head, the clown of the party – the holes in the wall, the angry words, damaged relationships, lost jobs.  Everyone knows that he has a problem with alcohol but no one is willing to approach him about his problem.  Drinking in moderation has no meaning for him.  He is like the proverbial elephant in the living room that no one wishes to acknowledge.  When he passes out on the floor, his family either steps over him and allows him to “rest,” or they put him to bed to let him sleep it off.  Where his usual three cans of beer a day is sufficient during the rest of the year, three six packs a day for the long weekend during the Holidays might be his reward for working so hard the rest of the year.  He deserves to “tie one on and on and on!”  He may be funny – but for how long?

Flighty Freida – The person stays on the move constantly!  She seemingly travels anywhere her heart desires!  Don’t count on her to attend your family gatherings because she might not arrive. Even if she does come home for the Holidays, she is like a humming bird flitting from one conversation to another never lighting long enough to establish any meaningful connections with anyone.  Although she appears to be care free and well adjusted, she may be seeking to avoid some unpleasant feelings or memories connected with family and family gatherings.  If she can just keep moving, she will be ok – it is difficult to hit a moving target!

 

Damper Dave – This character is the family’s altruistic do-gooder and he carries it to a fault.  Reaching out to your brother in need is very healthy and helpful but Dave will seek to make you feel guilty for simply breathing!  Dave’s over dedication to causes may be efforts to assuage his guilt for some real or imagined part he has played in another’s misfortune.  A type of Messiah Complex can develop out of which he may gain a sense of individual worth and meaning.  In the process, he can make life around the family gathering rather uncomfortable.

 

Perfect Pete – Perfection is the name of his game.  He is looking for the perfect meal, the perfect gift, the perfect song, the perfect outfit, the perfect setting, the perfect weather, the PERFECT HOLIDAY!  Unfortunately, not everything is perfect and sets himself up for a big letdown by fostering unrealistic expectations for himself and others in the family.  He will often let others know of his disappointments in an effort to enlist their sympathy and help in ensuring that the next gathering will be flawless.  One tiny blemish on the day and the WHOLE DAY is shot!  His striving for perfection can be a way to avoid facing the day-to-day imperfections and disappointments in life and give him reason to grieve vicariously through setting up impossible situations destined to fail.

 

In Charge Marge – This is the person who is the controller – the one who calls all the shots!  Marge will determine where each person will be seated, who will take pictures, what jobs each will have, etc.  If she is not in charge, she has no meaning or worth.  Challenges to her authority threaten not just the day but her entire existence.  Everyone must play his or her assigned role.  This can be a particularly harrowing experience when one of the family members brings in a new friend or spouse.  The new addition is expected to “know” the rules and is often made to feel inferior or inadequate because they do not.  It then becomes Marge’s job to take the new one aside and school him or her in the intricacies of family ways.  As long as Marge is in control, she doesn’t have to think about the daily struggles and losses she faces.

The Next Installment

I will post another essay next week related to the Holidays that outlines Five Steps to a Meaningful Holiday Season.  In the Meantime, Peace!

Mark

Copyright 1994 By Mark E. Hundley, M.ED., LPC & Vanessa Moore-Hundley, M.ED, LPC

Comments

[Jordans 4]

You do not keep anything for a special occasion.because every day that you live is a special occasion.

[buy an essay]

Took me time to read all the comments, but I enjoyed the article.