Living in the Meantimes

The Two-Sided Coin. A Lesson in Lifeonomics!

Mark E. Hundley Awaken Newsletter New Year, New Possibilities!

In This Issue The Two-Sided Coin Speaking of Comfort, Courtship, Cancer and . . . Courage! Quick Links Register Now News Related Topics More On Us Join Our List

Issue: 1 January/2011 Dear Friends. I have been away for the last two months ~ not necessarily by choice ~ spending an unexpected amount of time reconciling the details of many changes in our lives since October. Our lives are no different from our fellow travelers on this planet. We shift between the poles of positive and negative events working to create a perspective that allows us to make sense of the oft times complicated nature of those events. I am anxious to outline how the events of the past two and half months now form the foundation of the direction I will take in the coming new year. I am hopeful that you will find this first newsletter of 2011 to be useful, inspiring and thought provoking. The Two-Sided Coin A Lesson in Lifeonomics I often refer to life as a two-sided coin when working with clients. Periodically when discussing the unique challenges presented by a particular set of circumstances, I take a quarter from my pocket and extend it to my client while saying, "Here. Take this quarter, but only the tails side." Routinely, clients in mid-reach and with a quizzical look, say something like, "That's impossible! I can't take just one side of the coin!" As with the coin, taking hold of life requires that we take the whole ~ not just the part or side that we prefer. No matter how often we would like to separate the good from the bad, the hurtful from the helpful, the cloudy from the clear, the reality is that we cannot. Early October found me accepting a new position as Director of the Boys and Girls Clubs of Collin County Family Services Counseling Center ~ previously a free-standing non-profit organization that was absorbed by the Boys and Girls Clubs of Collin County. This invitation came from out of the blue and carries with it unprecedented possibilities! Then, on the heals of this news, Vanessa's mother, who had been living with us for several months and under hospice care, took a turn for the worse. After a two-week hospital stay, she lost her battle with cancer and COPD. She died on October 10. November ushered in a series of challenges related to beginning the process of handling my mother-in-law's estate as well as the acceleration of an option we thought was at least two years away. As Vanessa and I visited, we discovered that she could retire from public education sooner than expected. The decision was made ~ she would retire as soon as possible. December was no different. We found ourselves embracing experiences that were both invigorating and deflating. Vanessa finished her final day of public education on the 17th after 32 years of involvement at various levels in the business. As with any retirement, she had mixed feelings of both elation and letdown. Then in the midst of the excitement of Holidays, I received news from a former school colleague indicating that his young 4 yo niece died suddenly on Christmas morning. The news reminded me of the complicated nature of life. On New Year's Day morning ~ while contemplating personal and professional goals for the new year, I received a call that a dear friend had finally succumbed to the cancer he battled for two and a half years. I will share more of this family's story shortly. Lessons in Lifeonomics ~ the coin that cannot be divided or separated. If either side of the coin were to always land in view when tossed in the air and caught, I fear that we would become one dimensional ~ either enamored with false positivity or encumbered with unbearable defeat.  Lifeonomics teaches us that there is an ebb and flow to life ~ that the unpredictability inherent in life provides us opportunities to grow and learn.  I am hopeful that as you contemplate entering into this new year, you will find comfort and perspective in this brief lesson. The Bible says, ". . . and it came, to pass." Perhaps the meaning of this phrase is best communicated in this way. "And IT came . . . only to pass." Whatever we face ~ whatever we experience will not last. It is here only for a season and in that season we must take hold of the whole of life. Every Step Has a Story . . . Speaking of Comfort, Courtship, Cancer and . . . Courage! This story has its genesis on Christmas Eve 1991. June and Britt had a wonderful life in the making! Fulfilling careers, friends, family close by and two wonderful children. Nothing could have prepared them for the life altering events on that particular evening ~ an evening routinely filled with joy, anticipation and frivolity. While the family members were in various places, preparing for the celebratory Season, a tragic accident took the life of then ten year old Zach. June and the rest of her family were completely devastated! Each one fought to make sense of the senseless ~ to find reason wrapped in the unfathomable. They did their best to take each day as it came ~ living and walking through the fog. Over the next few months, all associated with June and her family worked to create a sense of stability and normalcy knowing that the void left by Zach's death would never be completely filled. A few months later, June's sister died ~ another unexpected blow. June was on the ropes, reeling from the double whammy issued by life. Then, without warning, she received the potential knock out punch. A mere eighteen months after the death of her beloved Zach, her husband Britt died in his sleep! How much more pain could life dish out to one person? It was after this third blow that I met June for the first time in 1993. Over the next several years, June worked hard to reconcile her personal losses and create a new life. The journey was not easy; however, through it all, June remained determined to find a sense of peace ~ a sense of comfort from which to draw strength for daily living. June learned to not only experience the grief of her losses, she learned the power of mourning as well. She came to understand the truth of the phrase, "Blessed are those who MOURN, for they shall find comfort." The Journey of Hope did not exist when June's life was turned upside down. If it had, perhaps her daughter would not have struggled as painfully with her personal losses as she did. When the Journey of Hope started in the summer of 1998, June was immediately drawn to its mission of helping families. June found a home there working with teens and then parents who had lost children to death. She was amazing in her work! As June rebuilt her life and forged new directions, she eventually met Brian. The chemistry was immediate and amazing! Not long after they met, I received a call from June asking me to perform their wedding and on a warm July afternoon in 2003 under a large tree in their back yard, their lives were joined. I was so happy for her ~ for THEM! They had each other and began weaving together a  unique "family on the blend" consisting of children, grandchildren and extended family members. All was well until . . . I remember receiving the call in August of 2008 ~ Brian had been diagnosed with small cell cancer that had invaded his lungs and brain. Everyone in June's life scrambled to the call. Initially, the doctors gave him just a few months, but they didn't know Brian. Brian, with June's support and love, fought back and did so furiously! He made it through the summer and then the fall. He made it to Christmas and beyond! Hope swelled! Chemo and radiation. Doctors and hospitals. Family and friends. All of these became the routine. Brian defied all conventional wisdom and projections; however, Brian was still sick. He still had cancer and that reality was never far under the surface. June, Brian and the family learned to live each day to the fullest possible. They laughed, cried, shared, celebrated, contemplated, played and loved. They did so with a depth not often experienced. Then, I received another call. Eleven days before Christmas 2010, June called and said that she felt the time was rapidly approaching. I knew what she meant. I drove to their home and sat at Brian's bedside. Even thought his body showed the ravages of his battle with cancer, his indomitable spirit shone through his eyes and smile! He was peaceful . . . realistic . . . honest. He was "ready" to use his word. I asked him if he thought he would make it through Christmas and he indicated that he hoped he would. As I left him with a prayer and a kiss on the top of his bald head, I hoped that he would as well. He did make it through Christmas ~ one final Season of Celebration with his loved ones. Then on New Year's Day 2011, I received a call from June. "He's gone" she said. "He died at 9:33 this morning." Just like that ~ gone. After so much pain, so much hope, so much struggle ~ gone. I showered and went to their home as quickly as possible. June found herself in a place she had been so many times before and yet this was different ~ every experience of death is different. She was June ~ strong, present, talking, aware and . . . sad. We talked at length while the beehive of support activity began to swell around us. June said, "Mark, after all of this settles down, I'd really like to become involved with Journey of Hope again. I can't tell you how much I miss being able to provide support for parents who have lost children." I have no doubt that June will become involved again and the families she encounters will be the better for her involvement, but first . . . there are goodbyes to be said. Wednesday January 5, 2011, we will bid farewell to our friend, Brian. June has asked me to officiate at the funeral. I am honored to do so. I do not know why some experience more than their share of pain in life. It always has been and always will be a mystery; yet through this walk with June and her family I am reminded of the power of mourning. June has lived the power of mourning which has allowed her to receive comfort, enjoy courtship again, face cancer and live life with courage. I am hopeful that her story will serve as a lesson in possibility for you. I know it does for me! I wish each of you a prosperous and hope filled New Year! Be looking for updated information in the next couple of weeks related to the Every Step Has a Story project as well as upcoming events in which you might have an interest! Thank you for your interest and support in 2010! I look forward to a wonderful 2011! Sincerely, Mark Hundley

Changes

October 2010 Newsletter Changes . . .

In This Issue Goodnight Sweet Princess From Out of the Blue! A Change of Seasons A Common Thread Quick Links Register Now News Related Topics More On Us Join Our List

Issue: #4 October/2010 Dear Friends, I fully intended to post the October newsletter earlier this month; however, a series of changes ~ some anticipated and others not ~ created challenges that demanded attention. As this month has progressed I have been reminded once again of the seemingly random yet mysteriously orchestrated paths we travel in this life. I am hopeful that as you read this newsletter, you will find time to contemplate the paths you travel ~ the changes you encounter ~ the possibilities presented to you. Mark Goodnight Sweet Princess . . . . . . And Flights of Angels . . . On Sunday October 10, 2010, my dear, sweet mother-in-law slipped through the thin veil that separates the temporal from the eternal. She was received into her eternal rest after a long and courageous battle with cancer and COPD. A breast cancer survivor, Helen Moore also battled medullary thyroid cancer ~ a type of cancer that does not respond to traditional treatment protocols. She endured multiple surgeries, frequent trips to M.D. Anderson in Houston as well as chemo and radiation therapies. In her final months, COPD took its toll on her body. I don't know of a stronger woman anywhere. Vanessa and I were in the room with her, holding her hands, stroking her cheeks and sharing words of love and comfort as she took her final breath. Those moments were both sad and sweet. It has been said that death is merely the extinguishing of the candle because the dawn has come. That phrase now has a new meaning for me. She is sorely missed! The absence of her presence bears heavily on all who know and love her . . . and yet, she resides only a breath away in the next room. It has also been said that you cannot lose someone when you know where they are. We know where she is and are grateful for the rest she now enjoys. I was honored to officiate at her funeral. At the graveside as we said our final farewells on this side of the veil, I closed with an adaptation of a line from "Hamlet." "Goodnight sweet princess and flights of angels sing thee to thy rest." Thank you, Helen, for honoring our lives with your presence. From Out of the Blue! An Offer I Couldn't Refuse  Change takes us by surprise from time to time ~ often in the midst of other changes that are completely unrelated. That was the case for me this month. While Vanessa and I were dealing with the impending death of her mother ~ working to address all the issues related to that imminent event ~ an unexpected opportunity for change presented itself to me. Was I surprised? Absolutely! I felt as I was a character in one of the "Godfather" movies ~ receiving an "offer I couldn't refuse!" The offer? Well, I was approached about becoming the Director of Boys & Girls Club Family Services Counseling Center in Collin County, TX! It seems that a stand alone non-profit center had approached the Boys & Girls Club of Collin County about absorbing them and providing services under the BGCCC umbrella. Long story made short ~ the acquisition was official in July of this year. When I met with the CEO of BGCCC, I felt as if I was stepping into a script written just for me! I was so anxious to accept that I think I asked "so when do I start" within the first fifteen minutes of our conversation. From out of the Blue! This conversation took place on Monday October 4. Helen died on Sunday October 10. Change within change wrapped up in a larger package of change. Isn't that the life is most of the time? I am so grateful for this unique opportunity. The marriage of the BGCCC and this former stand alone center creates the first  Boys & Girls Club in the country with its own counseling center under its wings. So much potential! So many possibilities! So "out of the blue!" Oh! I failed to mention . . . my commitment to the "Every Step Has a Story" 600 mile walk is fully supported by BGCCC! Yep! I'm still walking ~ and with the blessing and endorsement of my new "boss!" Cool! And on that note, I'll move on to news about the walk! Every Step Has a Story!  A Change of Seasons! As you know, the original date for my 600 mile walk from McKinney, TX to Nashville, TN was scheduled for April 2011. In keeping with the theme of this newsletter, a significant change of plans has occurred related to the "Every Step Has a Story" walk. Instead of the spring of the year, I will be making my trek in the fall of the year instead! The new date for the "Every Step Has a Story . . . a Journey of Hope" walk is now October 2011! This change in schedule actually helps me out in several ways! First, I will have a bit more time to train for the 20 - 25 miles per day I will travel. Second, Lyons Entertainment the company that will make the documentary film of this event, has indicated that the change actually works to our advantage from their perspective in that the new time frame will allow them more time to plan. It also gives them the opportunity to bring in producers that will likely open doors for funding the film and possible distribution through PBS. Obviously, talks continue along these lines, but the possibilities are exciting indeed! Third, pushing the date back allows for more time to secure funding for both the film and walk. Initial contacts have been made with State Farm as a potential sponsor and others are in the works. Fourth, the new date provides more time to recruit and secure sponsors for the "town hall meetings" in each stop along the route ~ the venues where the "Real" stories will be shared by those in attendance. After all, the story of this walk is not about a 50 something bald man from Texas walking 600 miles! It is about providing a platform for children and teens who have experienced the death of a loved one to share their intensely personal journeys in a public forum ~ forum that will hopefully encourage more open conversation about the scope and impact of childhood and adolescent loss issues! Finally, the new date gives me more time to secure corporate sponsors for products and services needed for the project. Last week, I received confirmation that NIKE will provide me with shoes as minimum for this project! All very exciting! So . . . please alter your calendar and mark October 2011 as the new date for Every Step Has a Story . . . a Journey of Hope! New Stories . . .  A Common Thread  On October 7 and 8 I found myself in French Lick, IN at the French Lick Resort participating in the Fall Meeting for the Kentucky - Southern Indiana Northwestern Mutual Financial Services Agency. My topic for this meeting was "Death Benefit Delivery: What Do I Do Now?" Part of the work I do with life insurance and financial services professionals focuses on informed, compassionate and caring delivery of benefits to beneficiary families in the aftermath of the death of an insured loved one. As is often the case, I was available for the remainder of the meeting beyond my presentation which gave me time to visit with individual agents. During the comfort of small group or one-on-one conversations, I routinely hear personal stories from agents. This trip was no different. On this particular trip, I found a common thread in three of the stories that I would like to share with you. The Hole in My Heart ~ Jim (not his real name) was fifteen when his life was altered forever. Coming home from school on a fall afternoon, Jim anticipated a late afternoon game of catch with his father, a local minister. Seeing the family vehicle gone, he assumed that his dad had been called out to perform some ministerial duty. As he walked into the kitchen, his mother said, "I told your father that you would be home soon ~ that he should wait to make the call. It wasn't an emergency after all, but you know your father." Jim indicated that he knew what she meant. Instead of going outside, he decided to lie down on his bed and rest. He went into his room, turned on the radio and stretched out for a quick nap. Living in a small town meant that local news was a big deal. Jim closed his eyes and began listening to the music. At the very moment the DJ broke in with the words, "We have a breaking story," Jim sat bolt upright in bed ~ an eerie sense of impending doom sweeping over him. At some level, he KNEW that the breaking story had something to do with his father. the DJ indicated that there had been a fatality accident on the Interstate and that traffic was backed up in both directions. Jim immediately ran to the kitchen where his mother's face confirmed that they shared matching intuition about the news. Within about 20 minutes, the local sheriff showed up at their house and shared that Jim's dad had indeed been involved in the accident and was pronounced dead at the scene. As I sat across from Jim, his eyes drifted back to a time that created an enormous amount of pain in his life. After a moment' silence he said, "That day tore a hole in my heart that exists even today . . . that experience is why I chose to be in the life insurance business." Someone Make the Dog Stop Barking ~ Tammy (not her real name) picked me up from the airport in Louisville, KY. During the hour drive north to the resort, we had a chance to visit and exchange a few life stories. Tammy is an exceedingly energetic and intelligent young woman ~ articulate, driven, excited about her work! I asked about what attracted her to the life insurance business and she shared her heart. It seems that when Tammy was ten years old, her mother suffered a heart attack early on a Saturday morning. She awoke to the realization that something was not right when the dog would not stop barking. She recalled saying, "Would someone make the dog be quiet please? Please?" She said this several times with no response. She got up out of bed, opened her bedroom door and walked to the railing outside her second story room. As she looked down, she saw her mother being wheeled out on a gurney. Her father spoke not a word as she was left alone in the house ~ confused, dazed, scared. In a few minutes, a neighbor came in and stayed with Tammy until her father returned with the news that her mother had not survived. That news did not make sense ~ it did not sink in! She had difficulty embracing what she was told. She does not remember the funeral. She does not remember the first several months after her mother's death. She indicated that her mother traveled a lot for her job so it was not unusual for her to be gone for days at a time. Tammy shared that almost a year after her mother's death, she awoke on a Saturday morning to the barking of her dog. In that moment, the entire scene from a year before came flooding back and she sat on her bed and wept ~ alone. Tammy shared that although her memories of high school without her mother are sketchy she knows that the experience shaped her life. In fact, she shared that the reason she works in the life insurance business is as a direct result of her mother's death. She runs the "Client Service Center" where "orphan" policy holders (clients who bought a policy from an agent who is no longer in the business) find service, guidance and direction when they have a need related to life insurance. Oh, as part of her work, she helps to process approximately 400 death claims a year . . . My Brother . . . ~ The final story I share today is brief. Frank (not his real name) sat listening to the stories of others in a group and then touched my shoulder. He said, "Let me tell you about my brother. He is why I do what I do today." It seems that when Frank was twelve, his seventeen year old brother was killed in an automobile accident. Frank adored, idolized and worshipped his brother. When he died, Frank was devastated ~ not to mention that his family was crushed as well! Tears welled in Frank's eyes as he worked to recount the experience. He struggled to piece together a sentence that was not punctuated by attempts to swallow back sobs of grief. Finally, Frank gave up. He looked a me and with tears flowing freely down his cheeks, said, "I'm here because of my brother. I don't want what happened to my family after his death happen to other families." With that he ducked his head and wept silently. I put my arm around his shoulder, hugged him tightly and shed a tear of my own. The common thread? All three of these amazing adults chose to invest their hearts, souls and professionalism into a business that addresses the unwanted, the unthinkable, the inevitable as a result of their loss experiences as children or teens. Just three more reasons why "Every Step Has a Story" is so important. Thnank you for reading and sharing this information with friends, family and co-workers! I am hopeful that you will find the information helpful as you negotiate your own personal journey through this life. Be looking for more stories from the road. Until next time . . . Peace! Sincerely, Mark Hundley

Every Step Has a Story: The Saga of Sydney and Edwin

Every Step Has a Story: The Saga of Sydney and Edwin

Good Mourning UNT! Recently, the University of North Texas online alumni newsletter published a story about Awaken to Good Mourning and Every Step Has a Story. I was honored and pleased with the wonderful job they did! You are invited to read the article entitled Good Mourning and then share the link with friends and family. Speaking Update I recently spent a couple of days in Mountain View, CA hosted by the Cusimano Family Colonial Mortuary for two sessions ~ one in the evening for the community and a second the next morning for professionals in the helping professions. The experience was one I will never forget! From the beautiful weather to the beautiful people I met, it was just amazing! Thanks to Sherri and Matt Cusimano for hosting me for these events! On October 7 & 8, I will be in French Lick, IN ~ about an hour north of Louisville, KY ~ speaking to a Northwestern Mutual Life Insurance agency on the subject of Death Benefit Delivery. I'm looking forward to this trip and will share details in the October newsletter. Stories Needed If you have a story of related to personal loss that you would like to share in this forum, please send them to me @ [email protected] I would be honored to make them a part of this ongoing series of stories. Walk Update Look for updated details about the walk from McKinney, TX to Nashville, TN in the October newsletter.

Dear Friends, The story I share with you today is a bit different from the previous ones ~ perhaps a bit more unusual. I am hopeful that your will find comfort, encouragement and insight into this journey of grief we all must take at one time or another. If this story helps you in any way, please share it with friends and family members. Thank you. Mark Every Step Has a Story: The Saga of Sydney and Edwin The story of Sydney and Edwin begins in the spring of 1956 ~ a time when the loss of a baby was often downplayed; especially if the loss was a stillbirth. The practices and protocols found in many hospitals today designed to assist grieving parents and families to embrace the pain of their loss did not exist then. Perhaps if they had, some of the outcomes of this story would have been different. Edwin was approaching his third birthday in 1956. He lived with his parents in the Texas High Plains city of Lubbock ~ home to red dirt, relentless wind, tabletop-like landscapes and the Texas Tech Red Raiders. Edwin to this day ~ some fifty years later ~ retains many memories of his brief stay there. He fondly recalls his pet boxer, his best friend (who happened to be a girl), riding his tricycle down the wide street on which he lived and playing "drums" on his mother's pots and pans in the middle of the kitchen floor. In contrast, he remembers the terror of seeing a black tornado looming over the city, the discovery of a brightly colored snake under a rock in his front yard and the day he attempted to fly his new balsa wood glider in the middle of a howling sand storm. He also remembers . . . the day he was first touched by the tragedy of death. You see, Edwin's family was expecting an addition to the family. He was hoping for a brother! In the days prior to the anticipated delivery date, there was an air of expectation. Telephone calls daily, frequent visits from friends and family members and talk of the new baby to come became the routine to which he grew accustomed. The day finally arrived when his mother went to the hospital. Edwin could hardly wait! He would soon have a baby brother or sister to play with ~ he really, really hoped for that brother! Today when Edwin recounts the events as he recalls them, a tinge of sadness still hangs in his speech. Of all the memories of the day his mother came home from the hospital, the one that affected him the most was the realization that no baby accompanied her when she walked through the door. Edwin was confused. The house characterized by the electricity of anticipation suddenly fell silent. Smiles were replaced by tears and sadness. Confusion filled Edwin's little heart and mind. Many times, Edwin recalls that the adults would cease their conversation whenever he entered the room. At some level, Edwin recounts that he felt as if he had done something wrong ~ something about which no one would speak. Eventually, he asked about the baby. To the best of his memory, he was told that Sydney had been stillborn ~ that he was not alive ~ that Edwin would not have a brother. "Stillborn?" What did that mean? All he knew was that it meant he had a brother named Sydney but didn't really have him because he was "stillborn" and could not be at home. He did his best to accept it and through the years he ventured to ask questions from time to time. Eventually, "stillborn" made sense and he understood what had happened. There were other questions swimming around in his mind, but he can't remember asking them. Edwin struggled with Sydney's absence as he grew. Perhaps this experience caused Edwin to develop a keen sensitivity to the emotions of others because he often felt compelled to reach out to people when he sensed their sadness. Growing up, Edwin was exposed to the deaths of many children ~ saw how those deaths affected the parents and siblings ~ contemplated how Sydney's absence had affected him and his family. He often recalls the family in Galveston that lost their sons in a swimming accident; and the death a twelve year old friend; he remembers the deaths of high school and college friends; he remembers and wonders. Wonders how all those families made it through. In college in the early to mid-70's, Edwin's interest in death, loss and grief grew. This interest dictated a major in sociology and minor in psychology followed by over a decade of youth and family ministry. Based on his interest in and study of loss and grief, Edwin felt that he had a pretty good handle on those subjects ~ that is, until he realized he didn't. In early 1989 ~ almost 33 years after the stillbirth of Sydney ~ Edwin came face-to-face with another devastating death loss. On a very normal day ~ a day much like the one in the spring of 1956 ~ Edwin suddenly found himself the single father of a young daughter when his wife of 12.5 years died as a result of injuries she received in an automobile accident. Once again, Edwin was faced with unanswerable questions, confused perspectives and life-altering consequences. What did Edwin do? He did the best he could to embrace the reality of loss, experience the pains of grief, find healing through mourning and begin rebuilding a new life. Eventually, Edwin remarried and found himself in grad school for counseling. About four years into this new marriage, he and his wife visited her daughter on a parent's weekend at Texas Tech in Lubbock. While there, the memories of Sydney flooded Edwin's heart and mind. He contacted his parents to gather information about Sydney. He found his old house. He found a quiet space . . . he remembered . . . he cried. He realized that from the day Sydney died, he had been on a journey ~ a journey punctuated by exposure to the deepest pain human beings can experience - that of losing a loved one to death. Edwin was and is still, deeply involved with work in the field of loss and grief ~ not as a result of his personal losses for he does not believe that such experiences happen in order to move us in specific directions. Rather, Edwin finds himself involved in the field as a result of his choices and decisions in the aftermath of such experiences. Edwin's journey began at age three. He wrote a portion of this journey in a short story entitled "The Journey." An excerpt follows: "Sydney - my brother who never was!  The blessed addition to our family back in 1956 that was never added.  The one about whom our family rarely spoke after the day he was stillborn.  All my life, I had wondered about Sydney - about what it would have been like to have a younger brother.  In the years following that family tragedy, I recalled playing "make believe" - creating games and circumstances where Sydney and I would play together.  I couldn't believe my eyes!   I picked him up and we sat together on the bench and just looked at one another for a long time.  Finally, Sydney reached for my hand.  As his tiny hand encircled my thumb, I was immediately taken back to the small house in which we lived back then. Although the memories were fuzzy, I was able to recall the confusion that I experienced - our home was to have been happy when mommy came home from the hospital; we were supposed to have a little "bundle of joy" they had said.  Instead, there were tears; hushed conversations filled with emotions I couldn't comprehend; buried anger and resentment; blame; sadness; and the sense of barrenness created by an empty cradle.   The experience of adulthood had given meaning to all those conflicting and confusing feelings from the past.  Looking back, I can see how that event initiated life-long reverberations of grief for all of my family - parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles.  So much possibility unfulfilled.  So many hopes dashed.  So many dreams erased.  So much happiness buried.  More than 50 years have passed and I still feel the sting of that day.   I closed my eyes allowing the scene to disappear, and then looked down again into Sydney's face.  "I don't understand little bro!  What does this have to do with my journey?  Why are we here together now of all times?"   Sydney looked up at me and with wisdom well beyond his years, he said, "Your journey began on that day - the journey you continue even now.  What was incomprehensible then you now have words to describe.  With those words, you can comfort young mothers and fathers - help mend hearts and relationships torn apart by the unthinkable.  You can teach others to express compassion for families tormented by the emptiness of early death.  You can help create hope for the future.  You can do this because healing matters!"   Sitting there on that bench, I thought about all the challenges that Sydney's absence from our lives had created for my family through the years.  I thought about the impact of his absence in my own life.  How many times growing up had I heard, "Do you have a brother?"  He was right!  My journey had begun the day his terminated.  I have been running this race for a very long time.  I realized that to drop the running now would mean taking my eye off the finish line - stopping short of the goal - missing chances to make a difference."   Thus the saga of Sydney and Edwin . . . no, not ends . . . but . . . continues . . . Friends, this story is mine and it is true. You see, my middle name is Edwin. I think of Sydney every day. I think of all the other Edwin's and families affected by similar losses. There are times I tire on this journey. There are times I feel as if I am a "voice crying in the wilderness" to which few listen. There are times that I long for a message more easily accepted by the public. There are times I contemplate taking a detour from this path . . . and then . . . I think of the Saga of Sydney and Edwin . . . and . . . well . . . I take another step. Until next time . . . Peace!   Sincerely,   Mark Hundley

Why This? Why Now? Why You?

Greetings Friends,

I am amazed at how quickly time passes these days! Well, it likely does not pass any faster in reality ~ it just seems that way! Perhaps it's my age or the fact that I have no hair or . . . perhaps it's just the fast pace at which we live our lives. Regardless, the months seem to fly by now!

In this issue, I'll share the beginnings of several stories that have touched schools, families and communities in the very recent past. I'll also talk about what's behind Every Step Has a Story, in an effort to add more depth to the event. Exciting updates about potential corporate sponsorships will be addressed and finally we'll highlight an article published by the UNT online alumni magazine related to Good Mourning.

Hope you enjoy this September Edition of our Newsletter!

Mark

New Stories . . . Just Beginning

Ripple Effects Recently I was contacted by an area high school and asked to make a presentation outlining healthy ways to deal with grief. You see, this particular school has experienced multiple death losses in a very short time period ~ both over the summer months and at the beginning of the new school year. As I listened to the explanation of the sequence of events, I found myself wondering just how far the effects of these losses would reach. In my 20 plus years of working with grieving individuals, families and groups I have been reminded over and again that a single death creates ripples that move through families, groups and communities in ways that often defy prediction. Many times, these ripples continue on for years. Imagine the complexity facing the school and community as they work to embrace the impact of the death of two students in separate accidents, children having to deal with the death of a parent in two separate suicide events and the death of one parent who lost a battle with cancer. It is as if someone has taken several pebbles and cast them into a pond, breaking the still surface and sending overlapping ripples in multiple directions at once. The tasks facing the families, school and community are enormous. The stories are just beginning. The outcomes remain in question. The families and groups affected by these losses will need to take each day as it comes. They must find healthy ways to both embrace the pain of grief and express their grief in acts of mourning that help them heal. To borrow from Dr. Alan Wolfelt, I want to share with you the "Six Reconciliation Needs of Mourners." Acknowledge the Reality of the Death Through Mourning Rituals. Move Toward the Pain of the Loss while being Nurtured Physically, Emotionally and Spiritually. Convert the Relationship from one of Presence to one of Memory. Develop a New Self Identity Based on a Life Without the Person Who Died. Relate the Experience of Death to a Context of Meaning. A Continued Supportive Presence in Future Years Although healthy reconciliation of grief is not guaranteed, if those affected by the deaths mentioned earlier will approach their journeys by paying attention to the needs listed above then they have a better chance to heal. Perhaps one day we'll hear from one or more of those just beginning their journey. In the meantime, may we keep them in our thoughts and prayers.

Every Step Has a Story!

Why This? Why Now? Why You?   I can't tell you how many have enthusiastically encouraged me in my 600 mile walking project! Almost without fail, I get a "Wow!" when sharing the details of the event. Then, there are a few who pause, look at me as if I had three eyes and ask, "Now tell me again . . . just WHY are you doing this? And Why NOW of all times?" Let me take each of the questions individually. Why This? ~ Perhaps the best answer for this question is a set of sobering statistics. Often, the simple numbers speak better than any words I can conjure. 1.5 million children will lose one or both parents to death by the age of 15. Over 3.5 to 4 million children under the age of 18 are grieving the loss of a parent. One out of seven children will experience the death of a loved one by the age of ten. 1 out of 5 children have a learning, emotional, or behavioral problem due to the family system changing. Close to 2 million children receive death benefits from a deceased worker. Children of parents who die suddenly are 3 times more likely to develop depression and are at higher risk for post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Children who lose loved ones are 5 times more likely to complete suicide.  Children who lose loved ones are 9 times more likely to drop out of high school. Children who lose loved ones are 10 times more likely to use drugs. Children who lose loved ones are 20 times more at risk for behavioral disorders.  Children who lose loved ones to death are often referred to as "Forgotten Mourners."  Why this walk? I want to raise awareness nationally about the scope and impact of childhood and teen loss. I am convinced that many of the issues with which we struggle have at their root some partially or wholly unreconciled loss or losses. Perhaps this walk will help us all to share more openly about our losses. Why Now? ~ Perhaps this question is best answered by another question . . . Why NOT now? If we waited for the "perfect time" to address an issue, we might wait an entire lifetime. Remember Yoda? Yes, that wise little munchkin said it best when he stated, "Do or Do Not! There is No Try!" I can "try" all I want to ~ think about, plan, mull it over, dream ~ and never move off center. NOW seems to be the best time to Do something of consequence. There are organizations around the world that dedicate their time, resources and energies to assist and support grieving children. What better time than NOW to help bring their all-important work to light? What better time than NOW to give voice to the stories of children, teens and families who struggle to make sense of the senseless? What better time . . . ? Why You? ~ I learned a long time ago that when a need stares me in the face and I say, "I sure wish someone would do something about that," the next thing that happens is that a tiny little voice responds by asking, "Well what's keeping you from doing something?" I often find myself fumbling with weak excuses as to why I can't only to ultimately surrender and begin the process of figuring out what I can do. You see, it's not right to volunteer someone else to address an issue if I'm not willing to do something myself. I'm only doing what any other able-bodied person can do! The story is not in this 57 year old bald cowboy from Texas walking to Tennessee in one month! No sir! The real stories will come from children, teens, families and communities as they have a chance to share their experiences along the way. That little voice did not ask, "Well what's keeping George from doing something about it?" The voice asked "Well what's keeping YOU from doing something?" Thanks Yoda . . . and thanks Voice . . . I can't wait to see what will happen!

Every Step Has a Story!

Corporate Sponsorships In previous communications I have shared that Lyons Entertainment and Black River Media/Films are on board to do the documentary film of this project! In addition, StatGuard Technologies will build and host a website for the walk and team with Sprint to provide 24/7 streaming HD TV quality video of the event. In the process of talking to folks about the project, State Farm Insurance has begun the process of considering underwriting the film and serving as primary sponsor for the walk itself! I am working on contacts with Nike, Coca Cola, Ozarka and others to provide products that will make the walk a bit easier. We are looking for sponsors in other areas as well! If you would like to know more about what we are looking for or have ideas, please feel free to shoot me an email! I'd love to hear from you!

UNT Alumni Publication

Good Mourning Recently, the University of North Texas contacted me to inquire about the second edition of Awaken to Good Mourning. In the process of visiting with them, the conversation focused on the Every Step Has a Story project and well . . . the rest is now history. I would like to invite you to read the wonderful article they wrote entitled, Good Mourning and share it with friends and family. I continue to be amazed at the interest in helping grieving children and teens!

As always, thanks so much for your continued interest and support! I love hearing from you! I am hopeful that you have found the information in this issue of the newsletter both useful and informative.

Take care until next time! Peace!

 

Sincerely,

 

Mark Hundley

Every Step Has a Story: A Wind Chime, A Cross & A Stone

Every Step Has a Story: A Wind Chime, A Cross & A Stone

Updates! Every Step Has a Story This past week, I had meeting with a couple of representatives from State Farm Insurance Company to discuss how they might be involved in the walk project! I was excited at the outcome and anticipate working with them in some fashion related to the documentary film planned for this event. There were other logistical details discussed as well. All in all, the meeting was more promising than I could have imagined! Please keep the positive thoughts going and the prayers offered! Thanks! REMEMBER! Every Step Has a Story is a 600+ mile walk from McKinney, TX to Nashville, TN during the month of April 2011! I am taking on this challenge to accomplish three things: To raise awareness nationally about the scope and impact of childhood and teen grief issues. To highlight organizations around the country that address those issues. To raise awareness of and funds for the Journey of Hope Grief Support Center in the North Texas region I am looking to connect with corporations to serve as sponsors for the walk itself. By investing some of their advertising funds, corporations can help make a statement and support this effort to highlight childhood and teen grief! Awaken to Good Mourning   Recently the University of North Texas graduate counseling program adopted Awaken to Good Mourning as an ancillary text for the graduate on campus practicum class. Specific training in grief, loss and grief counseling are not typically a part of any graduate counselor training program, so for UNT to step up to the plate in this manner is a huge step! I am excited about the possibilities of other universities following suit. More to Follow! Be looking for more updated information in the next monthly newsletter next week! You guys are the best! Thanks!

Greetings! Before I share this special story, I wanted to express my thanks to Kurt and Laura Davis for their kindness in allowing me to share a part of their family's story. All stories of personal or corporate loss touch my heart; however, on occasion I am exposed to a story that so deeply moves me, I find myself thinking about it on a daily basis. The Davis family story is one of those. I am hopeful that you will find a space in your life for the inspiration and hope shared by this incredible family. Thank you for continuing to read and share. Blessings! Mark Hundley A Wind Chime, A Cross & a Stone Hidden in the shade of a Bradford Pear tree in the median of a busy suburban street hangs a lovingly placed reminder of a life cut short by tragedy. Often when the breeze stirs the wind chime to life, unaware passersby focus their attention in the direction of the soothing musical tones, seeking the source. On most days however, the wind chime remains still serving as a silent memorial. The wind chime is actually just one of three memorials placed on or around the tree. The other two are an intricately crafted metal cross attached to the base and an engraved stone secured in the dirt at the bottom. I am keenly aware of their presence because I pass by that tree every day on my training walk. I was introduced to this powerfully loving memorial a few years ago by the creators, Kurt and Laura Davis. The memorial was established in honor and memory of the oldest of their three sons, Tyler. You see, Tyler's life is the one that was cut short by tragedy and this tangible trio of objects serves to remind us of his presence and influence on this earth. I will never forget the first time I heard the story of Tyler's death. As the Davis family shared personal and joint perspectives of the event that completely altered their lives forever, I found myself drawn to them in a way that I still have difficulty articulating. I feel as if I know Tyler on some level that remains inexplicable. You see, on a very normal day ~ one that held no particular significance ~ tragedy took hold of this family and community in ways that still reverberate through the lives of all who were or become aware of the event. It seems that on their way back from a visit to a local restaurant, the young driver of the automobile in which Tyler was a passenger lost control and the car wound up impacting the tree to which I referred earlier. The passenger side  absorbed the shock of of the collision and Tyler lost his life. Teenage boys out doing what teenage boys do ~ no one could have anticipated that particular turn of events. Like a bolt out of the blue, the Davis family found themselves dealing with the unthinkable, the unwanted, the unbelievable! To say that they were in shock is an understatement. Any effort to describe the currents of pain that pulled them under the surface of normalcy pales in comparison to the actual experiences. They were devastated! Not only they, but all of those who knew Tyler and the family! The community as a whole ~ the schools, the places of worship, the organizations to which they belonged ~ all felt the sting of death that fateful day. What would happen next? The challenges faced by this family were almost insurmountable! How do parents even BEGIN to embrace the death of a beloved child? What steps do siblings take to make sense of the senseless? How does a family survive such devastation? With a faith tempered by the knowledge that they must walk through the middle of a shrouded uncertainty ahead of them they began a journey no one wants to take. Although their journeys  were personal in nature, they did not walk alone. They found comfort and support from a loving and caring community that surrounded them. They looked deep within themselves and drew upon familiar personal resiliency that enabled them to progress through the process of mourning the death of their beloved son and brother. One of the things they did to openly express their grief was to create the memorial to which I have referred. Each year on the anniversary of Tyler's death, they go to that place to honor and remember. And from what I know, there is much to honor and remember. Tyler's life was a full one characterized by selfless service, positive support for others, passion for living, laughter that was infectious and love for family and friends that warmed the soul. The influence that was Tyler Davis continues to this day and will continue for eternity. Of this I have no doubt. From what I know of Tyler Davis, he lived the truth of which C.S. Lewis spoke when he wrote, "The Present is the Point at which Time Touches Eternity." Tyler Davis lived his present moments to such a full extent that he will never be forgotten ~ ever! The Davis family continues their individual and joint journeys of mourning. Every major life event in which they are involved carries a reminder that Tyler is not there to experience it with them ~ that they do not have the pleasure of his physical presence. And yet, the Davis family has found reconciliation and healing. I am inspired and encouraged every time I run into them or have a chance to visit. You would not believe ~ well, perhaps you would ~ how vital they are to the world around them. Their courage to speak about their experiences serves to encourage others to talk about their grief. Their compassion frees others to relax in the knowledge that they will find genuine comfort in their presence. Their willingness to be present in the presence of the devastating grief of other parents who lose children serves to shed light in an indescribable darkness thus bringing the hope of healing. I did not know Tyler, but I have the privilege of knowing his parents and brothers. For that I am deeply grateful. The person Tyler was is directly connected to the family of which he was a part. I feel as if a part of Tyler resides in me because the Davis family has taken some of the interest earned in their relationship with Tyler and invested it in my life. This morning as I walked past the loving memorial a gentle breeze blew beckoning me to pause. I did so and as I walked over to the tree, traced Tyler's name with my finger, touched the cross with my hand and ran my fingers through the musical cylinders of the chime I was reminded that "Every Step Has a Story" and I must tell as many as I can. Thank you Tyler and thank you to the Davis family. You are truly an inspiration!   I am hopeful that you will share this story as well as all the others that find expression through these writings. As we share our stories, we bring healing to all who hear. Until next time . . . Peace!   Sincerely,   Mark Hundley Awaken Associates

Breaking News and Another Story

Breaking News and Another Story!

Every Step Has a Story: The Cyclone Story I'll never forget moving back to the town of my birth ~ Memphis, TX ~ in the summer prior to my junior year in high school. It was not a move about which I was extremely excited to say the least. I had spent, what I considered to be at that point in my life, the best four years ever in Ft. Smith, AR! When I received the news of the move, I sought every conceivable way to alter the plans to take me away from my friends, my school and my activities. Regardless of the approach I took, none worked and I found myself in that small town in the Panhandle of Texas. It wasn't like I was moving in as a total stranger. I had spent considerable time there and had even attended school on a couple of occasions over the years ~ but this was different. I was moving during high school! I decided that I would work to make the best of it and found myself engaged in summer two-a-day football workouts almost as soon as my feet hit the ground. I recall, after the first practice, how excited I was to be part of such an extraordinary group of guys! They were perhaps one of the most talented collection of players I had seen in a long time! I suddenly felt a that maybe the move would have some positive outcomes after all. Well, the season began and in my mind I could see a perfect record shaping up . . . and we DID have a perfect record ~ 0 and 10! Yes! We lost every game we played! We were everyone's Homecoming game! It was humiliating and disappointing to say the least. I looked back at that season often and wondered what happened, then one day many years later, it hit me! Although I cannot say for sure how far reaching the impact on the team, the school or the town ~ I realized that the death of a senior football player in  a tragic car accident the month or so prior to the beginning of school had to have played a part in what transpired that year. In small towns, there is a closeness that often defies description. The entire town was devastated! As a teen, I was unable to emotionally or intellectually quantify what I sensed and experienced, but the impact was obvious! A  pall hovered over the community that perhaps continues even today. I know that I often reflect back on the potential effects that single event had on a community, a school and a team. I can only speculate, but through the years, I have witnessed similar effects on students, schools and communities when a tragedy of this sort interrupts the routine. The fall 1969 season for the Memphis Cyclone football team is in the record as a perfect season ~ 0 and 10 ~ but, from where I stand now, there should be an asterisk beside that stat.

Greetings Folks! In the interim between sending issues of the monthly newsletter, I am sharing stories gathered along my journey of life. Occasionally, I will share news that cannot wait for the next newsletter. This email is one of those ~ one in which I will share important news and a story pertinent to the Every Step Has a Story project. I awaken each day in anticipation of the new opportunities that will present themselves for consideration! A recent development fits this category. Thanks for your continued interest! Mark Oh By the Way . . . Back in March, you might remember that I had the chance to present a break out session for LAMP '10 in Las Vegas. The LAMP Conference is associated with the General Agents and Managers Association Intl ~ a life insurance and financial services association. My presentation addressed compassionate delivery of death benefits in the life insurance industry. At the end of that presentation, a gentleman with the State Farm Insurance Company approached and asked if I would be interested in visiting further about doing some work with either the company as a whole, agents of the company or both. I responded that I would welcome that chance and he indicated that he would be in contact. Last week the gentleman called and we began to visit about setting up a meeting time that was mutually convenient. During the course of our conversation, he confirmed his interest in me either working with the company to set up a death benefit delivery system/program and/or conduct training with company agents (both of which would include mass distribution of Awaken to Good Mourning as an integral part of the program). As you might guess, in an "oh by the way moment" segue, I was able to work the Every Step Has a Story project into the conversation and something almost magical took place. As I shared briefly about my walk to Nashville from McKinney in April 2011, I mentioned that I was seeking corporate sponsorships for the underwriting of the documentary fill as well as sponsors for the walk itself. He asked, "Do you have a life insurance company yet?" Well, I don't and told him so. He then stated, "We need to talk about that as well. I think there will be some real interest in our participation in the film part of your project." Well, I almost dropped my teeth! So there you have, it! From talking about a previously agreed upon topic to an "Oh by the way moment," yet another potential "miracle" awaits exploration! Please keep you fingers crossed, send up prayers and project positive thoughts our way on Wednesday August 25. We will meet at 7:30 a.m. and I can hardly wait! I am so enjoying sharing with you news and stories related to Every Step Has a Story on a weekly basis! I am hopeful that you will find the stories interesting as well as worthy of sharing with friends, co-workers and family members. I will certainly report the outcome of the meeting on the 25th! I cannot help but believe that I have stepped on the platform of a fast-moving train headed for a destination determined by a power much greater than I and that I am simply along for the ride! Please do not hesitate to pass on stories, ideas or contacts you think might be of interest or assistance in this project! I welcome your input and involvement! More than anything, I appreciate your support and encouragement! Without it, I'm not sure I could get up every morning before dawn and walk to train for this endeavor! Thank you ever so much!   Sincerely,   Mark Hundley Awaken Associates

Every Step Has a Story: Angie's Story

Every Step Has a Story: Angie's Story

Every Step Has a Story Walk Itinerary April 2011 ~ Every Step Has a Story Itinerary Greenville, TX Sulphur Springs, TX Sulphur Springs, TX (Rest) Mt. Vernon, TX Naples, TX New Boston, TX Texarkana, TX Hope, AR Prescott, AR Prescott, AR (Rest) Arkadelphia, AR Malvern, AR Benton, AR Little Rock, AR Cabot, AR Searcy, AR Searcy, AR (Rest) Wynne, AR Earle, AR Memphis, TN Munford, TN Brownsville, TN Humboldt, TN Humboldt, TN (Rest) Camden, TN Waverly, TN Dickson, TN Fairview, TN Brentwood, TN Nashville, TN Keep looking for updates on  the progress of the walk! I'm excited about the possibilities!

Dear Friends, As promised, I am sharing another story gathered along the way. Angie's story is perhaps more common than we might think~an adolescent thrown into an emotionally charged situation, frantic activity surrounding the event, poorly communicated instructions, assumptions and forgetting that a twelve year-old had been placed in an untenable position. All these and more contributed to a ripple effect of influence that reverberated through years of her life. I am hopeful that you will be both touched and enlightened by Angie's Story. . . Mark Angie's Story Angie timidly entered the room, hesitated, then turned back toward the door as if she intended to leave. Her hand rested on the doorknob as she stood there frozen by an unseen, internal battle. The brief pause allowed just enough time for a young woman already in the room to make her way to Angie, extend her hand in greeting and introduce herself. This unexpected demonstration of support caught Angie by surprise and jarred her from her introspection. The other young woman warmly welcomed Angie to the first session of an open-ended grief therapy group. After a few minutes of interchange, Angie and her new "friend" made their way to the circle. As the group dynamics guided the pace and direction of the initial session, I observed Angie as other group participants shared. She appeared uncomfortable. Often as group members shared, I noticed that  her lower lip quivered. Occasionally, she would nod in agreement with a comment from a group member. Always, she looked from one group member to another as they shared their thoughts, feelings and beliefs. Near the end of the session, Angie suddenly blurted out, "Do I have time to talk?" All eyes turned toward her and the unspoken invitation opened a door in her heart that had been closed a long time. As the door opened and she began to speak, an almost unbelievable transformation took place before our eyes. Instead of the sophisticated 24 year-old woman who walked in earlier, Angie became her twelve year-old self. Her voice noticeably changed in pitch and tone. Her vocabulary reverted to that of an adolescent. Her body posture and language projected that of an insecure, self-conscious pre-teen. I had never before witnessed anything quite like that in my life. I was fascinated to hear her story. Angie shared, in her halting twelve year-old style, how her mother had been ill with cancer since Angie was ten. She told the group that her mother spent many months in the hospital and that only recently had she come home. Equipped with IV drips, a hospital bed and constant nursing care, Angie had her mother home. At one point, Angie paused and drifted back to a scene buried deep in her memory, then continued. She indicated that she believed that her mother had come home to recover~that she would soon be well again. No one bothered to tell her the truth that her mother wanted to spend her final days in the familiarity and comfort of her own family and surroundings. It seems that on the night Angie's mother died, Angie was sitting at her bedside, holding her hand and talking with her. Without warning, Angie's mother began to experience distress. The nurse quickly jumped in to action and began barking orders and making calls. Angie stood and moved to the corner of the room watching in confusion and terror. Then, as quickly as the tranquil scene altered, Angie's mother was gone. As she died, she reached out her hand toward Angie and whispered her name. Although Angie did not want to believe it, she knew in her heart that her mother had died ~ and yet . . . The nurse came into the room and instructed Angie to place her hand under her mother's chin and stay there until she returned. Being the compliant child she was, she did as told. Angie stood there, dutifully holding her hand under her mother's chin to keep her mouth closed until the nurse could return. All the while, Angie spoke in soft whispers, "Don't go, mommy. Please don't go. I love you mommy, please don't go." Angie shared that the nurse apparently forgot her instructions to Angie and she stood there for almost an hour. Finally, her father came in, saw what Angie was doing and scolded her for touching her mother. The next few days and weeks were a blur for her, but the message was clear ~ at least to her. She had somehow done something wrong; she was not to talk about what had happened in that room; she was to pick herself up and go on with life . . . period. Members of the group that night expressed words of comfort, reassurance and support and slowly Angie returned to her 24 year-old self. I was afraid that Angie might not return after such a traumatic re-visiting of the death scene; however, she came the next week and then the week after that. Slowly, the group witnessed a transformation in Angie. Each week, she spent less and less time in her 12 year-old self and more in her present day self. As she talked openly  each week about the effects her mother's death had had on her through the years, she grew stronger, more self-confident and in touch with herself and others. When the group decided that it was time to terminate groups sessions, Angie took a few minutes during the final session to express her thanks to her fellow companions in the group for their sincere love, respect and support. I watched, a tear streaming down my cheek, as each group member hugged and promised to stay in touch. I don't know where Angie is now or how she is doing, but I have to believe that as a result of the powerful work done in that group, she has been able to construct a life of her own making. One not dominated by false guilt and shame, but a life guided by a secure self-awareness that healing comes through sharing. Angie touched my life and reminded me of the importance of being open, honest and supportive to children of all ages when they face the death of a loved one. Angie is one of my heroes. I am forever indebted to her for her demonstration of courage and determination. Angie was able to meet herself at the point of her deepest pain and take the necessary journey to healing through learning to mourn in healthy ways. May we all learn from Angie. Thank you for taking the time to read Angie's story. I am hopeful that you will pass it on to friends and family if you see fit. We are all together in this thing called life and need one another in order to make it through from time to time. Until next time . . . Peace!   Sincerely,   Mark Hundley Awaken Associates

Every Step Has a Story . . . And Then Some

Dear Friends,

So much continues to happen regarding the Every Step Has a Story project! Without fail, every person that hears about the project expresses excitement and asks what he/she can do to be most supportive! Simply Amazing!

In this issue, I will share yet another story from the many personal journeys of loss and grief of which I am aware. I am hopeful that you will find ways to share these stories with others you think might benefit from hearing them.

Thanks for your continued interest.

Mark

Daryl's Story

Mom Said It Was Only a Headache I will never forget the first time I met Daryl (not his real name) at his home. I had received a call from his father asking if I minded coming to their home to visit with Daryl. I was more than happy to oblige. Daryl was a friendly, energetic, articulate nine year-old boy. At first glance, one would never know that Daryl carried a heavy burden of grief. His winsome smile almost hid the sadness that lurked just under the surface . . . Almost! One look into his eyes revealed the pain and uncertainty that sought dominance in his life. The source of this pain? Daryl's mother had died only one month before our meeting. As I sat down on the sofa across from Daryl and visited with both his father and him, I sensed that Daryl was eager for his father to leave the room . . . eager to tell me something . . . eager to talk about his sadness. This eagerness was consistent with what his father had told me. It seems that Daryl was somewhat reluctant to talk openly about his feelings of sadness with his father and had asked his dad to find someone he could talk to ~ thus the call to me. After a few minutes, Daryl's father excused himself and left the two of us alone in the living room. Almost immediately, Daryl said, "My mom died and I don't understand why! Can you help me understand why she had to die?" Wow! What a tall order! I knew that I did not have the answers to that question ~ I'm not sure anyone does . . . at least in the ways he sought to know. Instead of tackling the insurmountable, I suggested that he tell me about his mom and he did so with passion, excitement and tears. That initial meeting was just the first of several over the next few months. It seems that Daryl's father and mother had divorced two years prior to her death. Daryl lived with her for the first year and a half after the divorce. During that time period, his mother began to experience frequent, excruciating headaches. Every time she experienced one, she was unable to function to the point that eventually she and Daryl's father agreed that Daryl might be better taken care of if he lived with his father. I recall as Daryl shared that part of his story with me that he stopped and his eyes focused on a faraway place and he said, "Mom said it was only a headache . . . only a headache." The weekend she died, Daryl was visiting her in her home in a state contiguous to Texas. She had been feeling better and was confident that the latest treatment for her headaches might be working. At the dinner table on a Saturday night, she suddenly collapsed, complaining of severe head pain. Daryl's grandmother quickly called 911 and the paramedics took her to the hospital. Daryl's dad was notified and he rushed to Daryl's side as quickly as possible. Before midnight that night, Daryl's mother lost her battle to what was diagnosed ONLY after her death as a brain tumor. Daryl was crushed! Although the doctors misdiagnosed her condition, Daryl believed that his mom "knew" she had a brain tumor. He also believed that his mom told him "it was only a headache" to keep him from worrying about her. He said, "She was just that way . . . never wanted me to worry." Daryl found himself struggling to understand the incomprehensible . . . to make sense of the senseless . . . to find meaning in the meaningless. He did so with the support of a loving father, a caring extended family and a community dedicated to lend invaluable comfort. In the few months that Daryl and I worked together, I watched him struggle, cry, laugh, remember, express anger, sit quietly and find a path for his personal journey. Daryl and his father began attending support sessions at the The W.A.R.M. Place in Ft. Worth where they both found comfort and healing in the presence of others who walked similar paths. I'm not sure what happened to Daryl and his father. That is so often the case with counseling; however, I am confident that they found reconciliation of their grief and continue to walk the paths of healing to this day~ Not because of anything I did, but because of their choices to mourn their loss in ways that bring healing. I will always remember Daryl's courage, vulnerability and determination and I will always remember Daryl. I am a better person for having known him. I am hopeful that you can learn from Daryl as well.

Every Step Has a Story

And the Beat Goes On! Plans for the Every Step Has a Story project continue with new developments almost daily. I have shared that I feel as if I have stepped on a fast-moving train that began its journey headed for a pre-determined destination and that I am just along for the ride! We have finalized the itinerary for stops along the way. I have worked it out so that I will rest each Sunday of the month of April 2011 and not walk at all on those days. Following is the itinerary by date and stop. If you know anyone in any of these towns/cities, please share this information with them. Perhaps we can connect in some way prior to the walk or as we make a stop. April 2011 ~ Every Step Has a Story Itinerary Greenville, TX Sulphur Springs, TX Sulphur Springs, TX (Rest) Mt. Vernon, TX Naples, TX New Boston, TX Texarkana, TX Hope, AR Prescott, AR Prescott, AR (Rest) Arkadelphia, AR Malvern, AR Benton, AR Little Rock, AR Cabot, AR Searcy, AR Searcy, AR (Rest) Wynne, AR Earle, AR Memphis, TN Munford, TN Brownsville, TN Humboldt, TN Humboldt, TN (Rest) Camden, TN Waverly, TN Dickson, TN Fairview, TN Brentwood, TN Nashville, TN Other items of interest being addressed: We are working on acquiring the use of a tour bus as our "rolling headquarters" rather than  staying in a hotel at each stop along the way. I will meet with the local "Smart Car" dealership to see about the use of a Smart Car as the official "chase vehicle" to follow along with me as I walk. Black River Media/Films will produce the first press release related to the event within the next couple of weeks. My publisher will distribute a press release tying Awaken to Good Mourning and Every Step Has a Story within a few weeks. The UNT alumni publication The North Texan will run a story in its next issue as well as one in the spring of 2011 just prior to the walk. They will also post an expanded story in the soon to be launched online version of their alumni magazine. I will share more developments as they arise! In the meantime, thank you for your positive response, encouragement and input! I welcome them all!

Awaken to Good Mourning

Book Added as Ancillary Text We are excited to announce that Awaken to Good Mourning has been added as an ancillary resource text for graduate level counseling students in the UNT Counselor Education Program! The book will serve as a resource for counselors in training during the on campus practicum class ~ a class that requires counselors in training to work with clients under supervision. We continue to find ways to incorporate Awaken to Good Mourning into similar programs in other counselor training programs. If you know of a university counselor training program that might be interested, please let us know! Thanks!

Thank you for your continued interest in the projects and work of Awaken Associates and Mark Hundley. Together we can make a difference in the lives of many children and families. I look forward to sharing more information and stories in the very near future.

Until next time . . . Peace!

 

Sincerely,

 

Mark Hundley
Awaken Associates

Every Step Has a Story: The Cooper Family

Every Step Has a Story: The Cooper Family

Awaken to Good Mourning Awaken to Good Mourning serves as a personal guide for the journey of grief. A portion of the proceeds from all sales goes to support the Every Step Has a Story project. Won't you consider purchasing a copy for yourself, a friend, family member or colleague? Price: $15.95 S & H: Included Please visit Awaken Associates to purchase your copy today!

Dear Friends, "Every Step Has a Story" and every story has a lesson. Each week, I will share a brief story from a child, adolescent or family who has been touched by the death of a loved one. Most of the stories will have positive endings; however, some will paint a picture of continuing uncertainty. I only wish that all stories could end well, but that is not reality.  Both types of stories drive the "Every Step Has a Story" project and my goal is to share both sides of the coin. I am hopeful that you will find this weekly feature to be helpful, informative and encouraging. Thank you! Mark Hundley   The Cooper Family Story I will never forget the day the Cooper family walked into my office at the agency sixteen years ago. Having read the intake form prior to their arrival did little to prepare me. To say that I felt inadequate and ill equipped was an understatement. There in the doorway stood Mrs. Cooper and five stair-step children ages 15, 14, 8, 5 and 2. I say "stood" when actually the two year old was in a stroller ~ right arm wrapped in heavy bandages and left leg in a cast to the knee. I noticed that Mrs. Cooper wore dark sunglasses and held tightly to the arm of her oldest, a daughter. I knew from the intake that Mrs. Cooper struggled with impaired sight. As I invited them in and assisted in finding places for each one, I breathed a desperate prayer for guidance . . . The horrific story outlined in the intake form was nowhere as horrific as the details as they unfolded in the first session. It seems that the patriarch of the Cooper family was a mean, cruel, controlling and violent man. Mrs. Cooper shared that her husband would often hold a loaded pistol to her head and threaten to kill her if she did not follow his commands. As the two oldest girls entered adolescence, his threats settled on their shoulders and into their respective psyches as well. The control he exerted over his family was complete and all-consuming. The lingering effects of that control was almost palpable as they sat meekly sharing their joint story. The reason for their presence in my office was that their husband and father had died a violent death only a couple of weeks prior to our appointment. It seems that one summer afternoon, the trailer in which they resided caught fire. They desperately fought to escape the flames that threatened all of their lives. In the midst of the inferno that swept the dwelling, Mr. Cooper grabbed the youngest two and tossed them through a small window in the middle of the trailer. Prior to that, he had made sure the others were out of harm's way. After he tossed the youngest out the window, he was overcome by the smoke and perished in the blaze. Mr. Cooper died a feared and hated hero. The conflicting thoughts, emotions and perceptions that tormented each surviving family member created immense challenges for their treatment and support. The task of providing appropriate support for the family was too much for one therapist to handle alone. After that initial session, we created a team treatment plan that included play therapy for the younger children, group for the older ones and a team approach with Mrs. Cooper ~ an approach where a female co-therapist worked with me to provide Mrs. Cooper the comfort, stability and support she needed. As part of the treatment plan, we also encouraged grief support group participation at an area grief support center that served families with children in the age ranges of the Coopers. As is so often the case, life got in the way. . . transportation became an issue . . . the necessities of daily living squeezed therapy out of the picture . . . and the Cooper family moved to another part of the country to be close to extended family. I often wonder how they are fairing.  The children are no longer children and the mother is advancing in age. I have no idea whether or not the interventions and support we sought to provide proved adequate enough for their desperately complex needs. All I can do is hope . . . and pray that a few seeds of comfort, love and encouragement were enough to serve as a foundation for healing and grief reconciliation. The lesson I learned from those encounters was that in every situation with which I am faced, I must do the best I can with what I have at the time I have it. I am reminded of a quote from C. S. Lewis that says, "The present is the point at which Time Touches Eternity." I must believe that those "present" moments spent with the Cooper family touched eternal moments that to this day, pay dividends for them. I can only hope . . .  May you become increasingly aware of how each "present" moment carries with it the potential of eternal significance. Until next week . . . Peace!   Sincerely,   Mark Hundley

Every Step Has a Story

Dear Friends,

I am often amazed at how rapidly life changes ~ how quickly the landscape in which we live alters around us! Since the last newsletter, so many exciting things have happened! I am anxious to share them with you and ask that you consider passing the newsletter along to friends and family members you think might find the news as exciting as I!

Here goes!

Mark

McKinney, TX to Nashville, TN~600 Miles/Thirty Days         

As you know from last month's newsletter, I've had one of those "crazy ideas" again! The Every Step Has a Story project I told you about is taking on a life of its own! I would never have dreamed that so much could happen in such a short time, but it has!

On April 1, 2011, I will depart McKinney, TX, headed for Nashville, TN ~ a 600 mile hike ~ averaging 20 to 25 miles per day. My plans are to complete this task on Saturday April 30, 2011! What would compel a 57 year old bald guy to take on such a project? Glad you asked!

Essentially, my passion to provide support for grieving children, adolescents and families drives me to pursue this task. Following are the three goals I have for this project:

• To raise awareness of the scope and impact of childhood and adolescent grief on a national level.
• To highlight organizations around our country that work to provide support for grieving children and families.
• To raise awareness of and funds for the Journey of Hope Grief Support Center regionally in the North Texas  area.

Now I must confess that as I contemplated sharing this idea with others, I thought I would be met with skepticism or discouragement. To my elation, the opposite has been the case! Without exception, everyone who has listened to the details of this project has been extremely excited and supportive!

In order to accomplish the goals listed above, part of the overall plan includes a town hall type meeting at each stop along the way where I will share my story and collect stories from those in attendance; media coverage ~ nationally, regionally and locally; capturing the walk on video so that a documentary film can be made; ancillary events that will support the primary stated goals of the project just to name a few. A group of volunteers has emerged to help me plan, promote and produce this event! There is no way I can accomplish this on my own.

In the brief time since the last newsletter, the following has happened:

• I was put in touch with two amazing men who will help coordinate and produce the documentary film. David Lyons of Lyons Entertainment and Travis Shortt of Black River Media/Films have latched on to this project with a fierce passion of their own! I am so excited!
• Travis Shortt has volunteered his Public Relations expertise to help promote this project.
• StatGuard Technologies will provide the technology to host and monitor a dedicated website for the walk that will allow 24/7 live streaming video of the event so that folks from anywhere can follow the progress.
• In partnership with StatGuard, Sprint has signed on as a sponsor to provide the phones and related technology to access and upload the video to the site!

I could go on and on, but for now, these  developments will suffice. I will update our progress with periodic emails so be on the lookout!

The First of Many to Come . . .

Donna's Story Between now and April 2011, I will be sharing stories from folks who have experienced the death of a loved one where children or adolescents were directly involved or affected. My intent is to reveal the extent to which children, adolescents and families are touched by the death of loved ones. Often, the stories will reveal positive outcomes. At other times, the realities of of life will find expression in hope unfulfilled. I'm hopeful that you will find this segment in each newsletter and email to be helpful in some way. A little over twenty years ago, I met Donna one day while working out at the YMCA in Plano, TX. I had just completed my first marathon to raise funds for a memorial scholarship in Christy's memory and honor at the University of North Texas. The local YMCA supported my efforts and in the process, posted my picture. Donna recognized me and we began to talk about her experience. Donna shared the following: "You know, Mark, I just celebrated my fortieth birthday yesterday. As exciting as that should have been, I was sad deep down inside." I asked her why and she continued, "Well, I was reminded that twenty-two years ago when I was eighteen, my mother died from breast cancer. I will never forget how empty and lost I felt, but that was not the worst of it all. I was the eldest of six children, the youngest being six. I will never forget the afternoon after my mother's funeral when my dad came into the room and addressed all of us kids. He said 'Your mother is dead. We will grieve for the next two weeks and then we have to get on with life. There is just too much to do to grieve any longer.'" She shared further. "Being the eldest and a female, I took on many responsibilities for raising my younger siblings. I graduated from high school but delayed going to college because there was just too much to do . . . and it was my job to see that all was done the way it needed to be done." I remember her eyes trailing off to some place in her distant past as tears formed in her eyes. She said, "Mark, I have been two weeks into my grief for twenty-two years now. What do I do to start healing?" Donna's courageous sharing of her story that day started her down her own personal path to healing and grief reconciliation. Sharing one's story ~ as often as needed ~ is just one way to begin the process of healing.

Speaking of Speaking . . .

On the Road I have been privileged to speak to many groups recently. In March, I traveled to Las Vegas to present a session on the "Compassionate Delivery of Death Benefits" to a group of life insurance professionals at the annual Life Agency Management Program. In May, I conducted a workshop with the Collin College Counseling Department addressing the "Integration Model of the Grief Process and a New Approach to Grief Counseling." Early July found me in Denton at the UNT Center for Counseling and Human Development spending time with some graduate counseling students and supervising professors talking about the "Integration Model of the Grief Process." The coming months will find me in the following places: September 15 & 16, 2010 ~ Mountain View, CA ~ Cusimano Family Colonial Mortuary ~ Conducting an evening session for the community and a professional development session the next day for counseling, health care, clergy & grief support professionals. October 7, 2010 ~ French Lick, IN (north of Louisville, KY) ~ Northwestern Mutual Agency Meeting ~ "Death Benefit Delivery: What Do I Do Now?" January 2011 ~ Collin County Council on Family Violence, Plano, TX ~ "The Specter of Disenfranchised Grief in Domestic Violence." I would love to speak in your community. In conjunction with the "Every Step Has a Story" event, I will speak to groups about the principles that drive such an effort and how those principles can infuse any business, educational institution, church or civic organization with renewed determination to move forward in tough times.

Awaken to Good Mourning ~ Bulk Purchase Discounts

Many groups and organizations have contacted me asking about bulk purchase discounts for Awaken to Good Mourning. Funeral homes, churches, life insurance agencies, colleges and others have discovered the value of having Awaken to Good Mourning available for their clients and members. Awaken Associates will offer the deepest bulk purchase discount on Awaken to Good Mourning to any individual or group through August 2010. Whether you purchase two or two hundred copies, the per copy prices will be $8. Contact us today for details. Our Price: $8.00 List Price:  $15.95 S & H: Included