Living in the Meantimes

Five Steps to a Meaningful Holiday Season

Here We Go Again!

Yes, we find ourselves in the midst of yet another Holiday Season ~ complete with all the reminders (as if we needed any) that the Season should be filled with joy, laughter, gifts, family, friends, gifts, parties, lights, gifts, food, festivities and . . . did I mention, GIFTS?  Yes we are in the thick of things right now ~ have been for quite a while come to think of it!  It seems that November 1 ushered in all the Holiday commercials on tv, swiftly swept off the shelves all the Halloween trappings, filled the aisles of stores with all manner of gadgets and decorations and focused our attention on the anticipated spending of the upcoming Season.  Ah, Holidays in America!  There is a part of me that longs for a Holiday I've never had ~ one that is simple, pure and unadulterated.

As much as I might like for the Holiday Machine to grasp the bigger picture and help create a focus that invites more meaningful connections, I'm afraid that the Jingle Bell Juggernaut is rather myopic and incapable of such a change.  What's a person to do?  Well, I'm glad you asked because I've been thinking about that very question and have a few suggestions to share.

Read Mine, Add Your Own!

Recently, I found myself as a guest on a radio show addressing ways to deal with Holiday stress and grief.  In an effort to provide some perspective to a time of year that can create great distress, I came up with Five Steps to a Meaningful Holiday Season.  I encourage you to read mine and then add your own if you wish.  Here they are!

1. Slow Down ~ All too often we find ourselves swept up in the tyranny of frenetic activity without real purpose.  My encouragement here is to slow down.  Take time to just "Be" rather than "Do!"  After all, aren't we known as Human Beings?  I fear that sometimes we engage in activity simply because of outside expectations, thus becoming Human Doings!  Slowing down is a conscious choice ~ a choice to make the time necessary to feel, share with others and when necessary seek appropriate support.  We can never run away from our struggles or issues.  They are along for the ride or wait patiently for us at the end of our running.  I find that slowing down actually allows me time to face myself and realize that I am not alone and that I have the capacity to enjoy the moment without filling it with unnecessary, oft times meaningless activity.  My all-time favorite C.S. Lewis quote comes to mind here: "The Present is the Point at which Time touches Eternity."  Slowing Down may actually allow us to fill our present moments with eternally significant actions.
2. Retreat ~ What I mean here is that we need to make time for reflection, remembering and renewal.  Great power awaits us if we will spend some time looking backward before moving ahead with our lives.  The Holiday Season is a perfect time to pause for such retreat.  Often, we must learn to step back a bit in order to move forward more effectively with purpose and passion.  Retreating can open the door for us to determine the Rituals of Meaning in our lives that we wish to continue and/or create that incorporate components of our past, present and anticipated future.  I challenge you to sit down with a cup of hot chocolate, a pen, a pad and your thoughts.  Retreat ~ step away from where you are to times where you have been ~ reflect, recall and renew.  You'll be glad you did.
3. Plan With Flexibility ~ One thing is a given during the Holiday Season - not everything will go as planned!  Count on it!  You know what I mean!  Can you actually remember a year when EVERYTHING went according to plan?  I encourage you to anticipate and prepare for the unexpected.  Work at not being surprised when all is not "perfect" or something goes "wrong."  Often the best gifts are those experiences that come from out of the blue!  Work at embracing the unexpected.  Be open to different activities or locations for your celebrations.  Invite serendipity to your home this year.  You just might be amazed!
4. Take Care of Yourself ~ Often when the Holidays arrive, we give ourselves permission to either partially or wholly abandon common sense when it comes to our health - both physical and emotional.  I encourage you to approach this Holiday Season with your head squarely on your shoulders.  Eat wisely, get plenty of rest, drink lots of water, exercise (even a short walk can be helpful) and above all, maintain established medical routines.  Do you find yourself engaging in activities with which you are uncomfortable or that create anxiety or distress?  It is likely that an exercise in setting boundaries is necessary.  Determine before your gatherings what you will and/or won't do.  The activities with which you are comfortable and those with which you are not.  Taking care of yourself creates opportunities for you to be more yourself and more present for what is important.
5. Simplify ~ You know what I mean!  What's the point of going overboard with the gift-giving?  What do we get out of going deeper into debt to shower others with things that may or may not survive the next six months or may find their way into the "re-gifting pile" for next year?  Perhaps it is time to scale back a bit.  Focus more on relationships.  Aim for moderation in our gift-giving.  Re-think our gift-giving strategies and give with meaning thinking of the person who is the recipient.  Why not look for ways to support favorite charities during this Season?  God knows there are charities out there that do wonderful work year round that could use a shot in the arm.  (I have a bit more to say about this shortly)

I'm hopeful that you have found encouragement to approach the Holiday Season in ways that create comfort and joy rather than perpetuate that which often causes distress.  I am hopeful that you will step up to the challenge to make this Holiday Season Meaningful!

An Idea For You

Give One, Ask Ten!

A Little Math

Anyone who knows me knows that the math I use must indeed be “little” in order for it to make sense to me!  That being the case I want to share a little multiplication with you.  As you know, I am committed to raising One Million Dollars for the Journey of Hope Grief Support Center, One Dollar at a Time, One Person at a Time!  What does that really look like?  Follow me here:

If 100 people would donate just one dollar a person to the Journey of Hope, that would be $100! Simple enough, right?  Well, what if each of those 100 people asked just ten of their friends to do the same – donate just one dollar? That would be an additional $1,000!  Wow! $100 just grew to $1100 in a jiffy!  Let’s keep going!  What if those new 1000 people each asked just ten of THEIR friends to donate a dollar a person and they did?  That would create an additional $10,000 bringing the grand total to $11,100!  Pretty cool, huh?  OK, let’s continue.  Suppose those new 10,000 folks each asked just ten of THEIR friends to donate just one dollar and they did?  The total number of folks involved would be an additional 100,000 people and an additional $100,000 for a total of $111,100.  Hmmmm!  This is getting interesting!

Now suppose that those 100,000 new donors each asked just ten of their friends to donate just one dollar and they did. At that point, the total number of new participants would be ONE MILLION!  And the total amount donated would be ONE MILLION DOLLARS added to the $111,100 already given!  The goal would have been exceeded!  All of this accomplished in just five generations of people! We could raise $1Million in a relative heartbeat! Amazing!

All it takes is for one hundred people to commit to giving one dollar a piece and asking ten of their friends to duplicate the process of giving one and asking ten!  Think about it won’t you?

In order to donate directly to the One in a Million campaign, please visit the following Journey of Hope website and click on the “One in a Million” fund raiser link.  Fill in “Give One, Ask Ten” in the “Donation for Special Occasion” space.  http://tinyurl.com/n9xdjk 

The fun part of this exercise is that you can do the same for YOUR favorite charity!  Employ the power of the dollar!  Expand the reach of your influence!  Embrace the joy of giving! 

Thank you for being you!

Until next time . . . Peace!

Mark

Copyright Mark E. Hundley 2009

 

Holidays "R" Us!

A few years back, my wife Vanessa and I were called upon to present a session related to Holiday challenges faced by individuals and families.  As we did a little brainstorming about how to address some of the more common Holiday challenges, we decided to create a few "Common Holiday Characters" with which most of us are familiar.  These characters resonated so well with those who attended the session, that we routinely dust them off each Holiday Season as a way to stay in touch with the experiences of our clients throughout the Holidays.

I invite you to read the following cast of characters and see if you can identify with any of the descriptions.  Perhaps, we have nailed the description of some of your family members.  Perhaps even you identify with one of the characters in a personal way.

Ultimately, our purpose in creating these characters is to encourage all of us to examine our expectations and actions related to the Holidays and where/when necessary, make appropriate changes or adjustments.

I hope you enjoy reading and invite your comments or even suggestions for other characters to add to the mix!  Happy Holidays!

HOLIDAYS “R” US!

 

A Cast of Characters

 

Last Minute Louie – This guy believes in delaying everything to the absolute last minute!  Shopping, sending greeting cards, making travel plans, responding to invitations, opening mail with important information or directions, arriving at family gatherings, etc. are all relegated to the back burner!  He does this, at least in part, to avoid various realities that might impact the Holidays – i.e., financial deficits, not enough time, embarrassing changes in his lifestyle or direction, to give himself the appearance of pseudo importance to cover a sense of inadequacy and security and the like.  This approach provides him with a plethora of excuses for not attending certain functions, seeing or not seeing certain individuals, committing to too many events, and the like.  You just never know when/if/where/how Louie might respond or show up!

 

Uncle Ebeneezer – This character takes his expression of displeasure with various aspects of his life away from their true source and displaces those feelings on other, usually unrelated events or people.  These expressions most often appear as anger toward people, activities and events that are safer and less threatening than the real issues with which he struggles.  He becomes the “bah, humbug” of the Holidays.  Often, personal relationships become distressed and strained.  Additionally, work difficulties, chronic agitation, a bitter orientation toward life in general, self-hatred and debilitating depression may result.

 

Charlie Changer – Change for the sake of change is the calling card for old Charlie!  He has a difficult time accepting that parts of people, situations and Holidays change a little each day or each observance.  In order to combat this discomfort with the natural cycle of change, his mission becomes changing everything he can with little or no care for the feelings of others.  He is an all-or-nothing, black-or-white kind of guy.  A new car, a new relationship/girlfriend/spouse, a new job (the best one ever, by the way), a new way of celebrating the Holidays are routine for him.  Things rarely have time to become meaningful – they MUST be changed!

 

Aunt Mini Mizer – This person tends to laugh off past Holiday disasters as being “nothing.” She does not validate the importance or impact of past Holiday events;  therefore, the experiences of others are minimized in the process.  She is the true "Queen of Denial” and seeks to keep unpleasant memories at bay by controlling her feelings about past events or present fears and anxieties.  She also seeks to control the feelings and experiences of other family members as well.  If she successfully reduces Holiday realities to “mere gnats in the soup,” then they can be extracted and cast aside without notice or impact.

 

Hilda Hypochondriac – Keep the smelling salts handy, the Ben-gay in stock and the medical dictionary opened!  Hilda is coming with the latest disease, ache, pain or malady!  She is the one who conveniently passes out almost every Holiday gathering just as the time arrives to do the dishes.  She will tell you about every new exotic germ or bacteria to hit the world as well as others that haven’t yet ~ and she has the all!  In reality, she is likely to be the one in the family that internalizes her distress, feelings of loss or emotional pain and expresses them through real or imagined illnesses.  She has yet to learn that healthy expression of grief can help her heal the feelings that she somaticizes.

 

Busy Aunt Bea – This delightful person is the one who is constantly scurrying around cleaning, filling empty glasses or bowls, dusting, cooking, slicing and dicing everything in sight!  Don’t set your plate or cup down for even a second or she will whisk it away before you can whistle!  Staying busy for busyness sake is the name of her game.  She obtains a certain sense of purpose and identity in what she does.  No one is ever sure whether Aunt Bea ever eats anything because on one ever sees her sit down.  She often arrives four hours early “just to help out a bit” after staying up all night the night before doing last minute baking and cooking.  She is secretly afraid of what might happen to her if she ever slows down to take care of herself.

 

Paula Plastic – Paula is the shopping addict of the bunch!  The more credit cards the merrier!  Why buy just one gift per person when three will do?  Worry about the bills at the end of the month?  Not her!  She is a sucker for the “No payments until June” kind of advertisements that litter the media!  Rampant, unchecked spending is just a way to medicate her feelings of loneliness, loss or insignificance.  Each shopping binge is the next “fix” in this debilitating addiction.  No matter how much she spends or buys, it is never enough!

 

Betty Buffet – This person is the one who just loves the Holidays because of all the wonderful food of the Season!  She is the one who has continual cravings for food.  The cravings are often experienced as a compulsion and she feels no personal power to moderate her eating.  This may be an unconscious attempt to fill an emotional void with food.  Many families have at least one person who fits this description and sometimes, entire families are afflicted by this malady.  Betty can easily become the butt of many cruel jokes and remarks. She might even laugh with those who deride her all the while shriveling on the inside.

 

Uncle Bud Wiser – The funny walk, the lampshade on the head, the clown of the party – the holes in the wall, the angry words, damaged relationships, lost jobs.  Everyone knows that he has a problem with alcohol but no one is willing to approach him about his problem.  Drinking in moderation has no meaning for him.  He is like the proverbial elephant in the living room that no one wishes to acknowledge.  When he passes out on the floor, his family either steps over him and allows him to “rest,” or they put him to bed to let him sleep it off.  Where his usual three cans of beer a day is sufficient during the rest of the year, three six packs a day for the long weekend during the Holidays might be his reward for working so hard the rest of the year.  He deserves to “tie one on and on and on!”  He may be funny – but for how long?

Flighty Freida – The person stays on the move constantly!  She seemingly travels anywhere her heart desires!  Don’t count on her to attend your family gatherings because she might not arrive. Even if she does come home for the Holidays, she is like a humming bird flitting from one conversation to another never lighting long enough to establish any meaningful connections with anyone.  Although she appears to be care free and well adjusted, she may be seeking to avoid some unpleasant feelings or memories connected with family and family gatherings.  If she can just keep moving, she will be ok – it is difficult to hit a moving target!

 

Damper Dave – This character is the family’s altruistic do-gooder and he carries it to a fault.  Reaching out to your brother in need is very healthy and helpful but Dave will seek to make you feel guilty for simply breathing!  Dave’s over dedication to causes may be efforts to assuage his guilt for some real or imagined part he has played in another’s misfortune.  A type of Messiah Complex can develop out of which he may gain a sense of individual worth and meaning.  In the process, he can make life around the family gathering rather uncomfortable.

 

Perfect Pete – Perfection is the name of his game.  He is looking for the perfect meal, the perfect gift, the perfect song, the perfect outfit, the perfect setting, the perfect weather, the PERFECT HOLIDAY!  Unfortunately, not everything is perfect and sets himself up for a big letdown by fostering unrealistic expectations for himself and others in the family.  He will often let others know of his disappointments in an effort to enlist their sympathy and help in ensuring that the next gathering will be flawless.  One tiny blemish on the day and the WHOLE DAY is shot!  His striving for perfection can be a way to avoid facing the day-to-day imperfections and disappointments in life and give him reason to grieve vicariously through setting up impossible situations destined to fail.

 

In Charge Marge – This is the person who is the controller – the one who calls all the shots!  Marge will determine where each person will be seated, who will take pictures, what jobs each will have, etc.  If she is not in charge, she has no meaning or worth.  Challenges to her authority threaten not just the day but her entire existence.  Everyone must play his or her assigned role.  This can be a particularly harrowing experience when one of the family members brings in a new friend or spouse.  The new addition is expected to “know” the rules and is often made to feel inferior or inadequate because they do not.  It then becomes Marge’s job to take the new one aside and school him or her in the intricacies of family ways.  As long as Marge is in control, she doesn’t have to think about the daily struggles and losses she faces.

The Next Installment

I will post another essay next week related to the Holidays that outlines Five Steps to a Meaningful Holiday Season.  In the Meantime, Peace!

Mark

Copyright 1994 By Mark E. Hundley, M.ED., LPC & Vanessa Moore-Hundley, M.ED, LPC

Experiment In Thanksgiving ~ 2009!

Holiday Season

This week ushers in the official Holiday Season, as far as I'm concerned.  I know that if you were like I was this year, I was astonished to find that the local Walgreen's began filling its shelves with Christmas merchandise around Halloween!  Talk about confusing!

I am old enough to remember a time when the various Holiday seasons not only enjoyed but seemed restricted to making their respective appearances on the American scene on clearly designated dates.  Not so anymore! 

One can routinely walk into a store today and find ghosts, witches, pumpkins (a truly crossover symbol for both Halloween and Thanksgiving), cornucopia, Santa Clauses, snowmen, dreidles, Menorah, etc. all crowded on the same shelves vying for top billing!  It's enough to make one pull his hair out!  Oh, wait!  I don't have any hair!  Regardless, this overlapping of seasons creates a kind of Holiday schizophrenia!

 It's in the Air!

As I awoke early this morning, I began thinking about what I would write next.  Obviously, the subject of Thanksgiving took a glaringly prominent position as first on the list of possibilities.  As I perused my copy of the Sunday paper and sipped my coffee, I realized that others had the same idea.  Since this is officially "Thanksgiving Week" the paper was filled with stories and articles highlighting various perspectives of giving thanks or finding ways to reach out to the less fortunate.  With the state of the economy, these articles and stories tended to take on a more serious note than in the past.

Time for an Experiment

I wanted to write something that might cause each one of us to act on our sentiments of gratitude in ways that could solidify or create potentially lasting connections with people in our lives -- thus my "Experiment in Thanks-Giving!"

These are my thoughts.  We all have people in our lives that play roles often overlooked or minimized in their importance to our well-being or ability to carry out our routines.  So very often when we gather with family for Holiday celebrations and festivities we do so with a sense of tradition and focus on those closest to us -- our families.  I know and understand that there are exceptions to this general description; however, I speak of the majority of Americans here. 

I wonder what might happen if we were to sit down today and begin making a list of people outside the circle of family -- a list that included those whose lives touch ours each day -- whose influence and contributions to our lives often go unnoticed or overlooked?  Who might appear on such a list?  Close friends - certainly!  Co-workers or clients?  Those who coach or teach our children?  The school counselor?  The principal?  Our family physician?  The person who knows our name at the drugstore or local Starbucks?  Our dry cleaner?  The guy who routinely changes our oil?  Do you get my drift?  There could literally be hundreds of people who might comprise such a list!

In August 2008, I joined the social networking phenomenon called "Twitter" and in the months since joining, have been blown away by the deeply meaningful relationships that have blessed my life as a result!  I can easily count dozens of new people I now cherish beyond words – people who have and continue to make a difference in my life! Those folks have made my list.  By the way, I have already worked on my list some today in preparation for this essay.

The second part of the experiment asks us to consider doing something about those on our list.  It requires that we find a way to express "Thanks" to them for their contributions to our lives.  Silly? Perhaps!  Risky?  That too!  When we venture to express thanks to people not routinely on our "Thanks" list, we sometimes run the risk of looking silly or appearing "strange." So be it!

The Challenge

My challenge for this week is three-fold:

1. First, I challenge you to make a list like the one described above.  Include people who touch your life in ways that make a difference -- even if it is a small difference.  Be as inclusive and complete as you possibly can.
2. Second, determine to find a way to express your personal gratitude for the contribution those on your list make in your life.  This can be accomplished via a personal word, a handshake with a word, a card, an email, a letter, a phone call, a "Tweet" (for those of you who know what that means), a virtual gift through FaceBook -- the possibilities are almost endless!
3. Third, actually follow through on your intentions.  It's a little like the concept of "Paying it Forward" except this is an experiment in "Thanks-Giving" -- giving thanks to the people in our lives without whose support we might find ourselves lacking in some way.

Many of you will be hearing from me in one form or another this week.  Why?  Because you made my list and I am following through on my own challenge!

Won't you join me in this experiment?  Won't you join me is spreading a little gratitude around?  At a time when we need to feel better about our lives, what could giving a little thanks hurt?  My guess it might actually begin turning things around!

Until next time . . . THANKS . . . and . . . Peace!

Mark

Copyright 2009 Mark E. Hundley

 

Back from England, Love -- Part 1

Three parts of me sit at the keyboard this morning -- and all three battle for dominance!  One part is glad to be back home pursuing a routine that fosters normalcy.  A second part misses the cool (at times, cold) weather of London and the surrounding countryside -- not to mention the almost indescribable sights and sounds.  The third part is already planning a return trip making note of the places to which I will return as well as the places I will add to my future itinerary.  In order to provide center stage time for all three parts (which is only fair, don't you think?), I will post three (maybe more) essays this week from each of the varying perspectives!

Traveling outside the confines of our own country often does a soul well!  My soul needed refreshing so the trip came at a perfect time!  Right off the bat, the timing was on the money!

Now, when I told some that I was going to accompany my daughter (a humanities teacher) to assist as a chaperon for a group of 14 high school humanities students (from McKinney High School), the reaction I received ranged from a grimace to a deep sigh (both intended to communicate that I was one daft bald headed man).  There were a few who understood the nature of such trips and nodded in understanding -- "You will have a great time!"  "INDEED!" I would reply.  "INDEED!" You see, those people "get it" when it comes to traveling with young people.

In all the years I have been traveling with groups of students, I can honestly say that this group was by far the best group bar none!  I often had to remind myself that I was traveling with sophomores, juniors and seniors in high school and not fourth year college or graduate students!  As a group, they were outstanding!  As individuals -- as varied and rich in personality, perspective and potential as any educator could ask for!

I miss them!  They made me smile; laugh; pause; think; reflect; re-evaluate; ponder.  They were simply wonderful!  And I might add -- "They could make a really good cup of tea!"  (Obviously an inside joke!)

Every time I feel the weight of the world pressing on my psyche, I seek a good dose of "the future is in good hands" tonic!  That tonic comes in the packaging of youth!  So many want to focus on all that is "wrong" with today's youth and paint pictures of gloom and doom for our future!  I, on the other hand, love to spend time around youth -- especially of the caliber of the humanities students from McKinney High School -- I come away with a profound sense of optimism about our future as a country; a race; a world!  These young men and women with whom I was privileged to travel will take their places in positions of leadership in the future and accomplish astoundingly wonderful things!  I have no doubt!

Often on trips like this, one only gets to see the fun and philosophical sides of students.  That being the case, one must wonder and speculate about how students might handle themselves under the pressure of crisis.  Although I would have preferred to witness the strength of their mettle in another way, fate would determine that I observed it on this trip.

The night before we were to come home, four of our young men were confronted by youthful robbers on the street less than a half mile from our hotel.  First of all, the four young men were unhurt physically thankfully -- no attack of any kind! They displayed a presence of mind well beyond their chronological age.

After the hooligans departed, one or our young men ran into a store to call the police while another flagged down a police car on the street.  Now, I am positive that the calm demeanor of our young men in the face of bullying threats confounded their assailants because all that was taken was 5 pounds in coins (roughly 10 dollars), a cell phone and a souvenir t-shirt.  Obviously, their sense of innocence took a hit as well -- that is typically the case when witless bullies behave in ways meant to intimidate.

Back to the "strength of mettle" thing I mentioned earlier. During the process of debriefing, the police asked what the worst part had been for the young men.   Remember I said that one went inside a store to call the police?  Well, I can only assume that the other three did not see him run inside and were briefly unaware of his whereabouts.  One of the young men responded with, "The worst part for me was the couple of minutes that I did not know where you were!"  WOW!  There is no better proof of maturity than when the strength and power of relationships is elevated to the top of the priority heap!  Amazing!

Relationships are everything!  Money, t-shirts and phones can be replaced!  Relationships Rule!  These young men and women demonstrated day-after-day their firm understanding of the value of relationships and I reveled in the youthful lesson!  Yes, our world will be in great hands!

Before I bring this essay to a close, I have to give a "Shout Out" to an establishment near our hotel in the Bayswater area of London located at 55-57 Queensway.  This restaurant serves some of the best Italian food I have ever eaten -- at reasonable prices, mind you -- in an atmosphere that is warm, friendly and welcoming -- by people who love people, no less!  We dined there three times during our brief stay -- most often as a "later in the evening" post dinner, dinner!  The name of the place is Bella Italia and they are simply amazing!  If you ever have a chance to visit London -- please visit Bella Italia!  You will certainly be glad you did!

One major life lesson was reinforced for me on this trip and that is the need to expand personal perspective.  I will write more on this later; however, for now let me say that I saw many whose backyard is the world!  Young adults from all over the world living, working or traveling in London whose world views expand far beyond their own country.  Our students demonstrated that same desire for expansion -- for awareness building!  It is that kind of perspective that engenders hope in my heart.  For so many of us, our world is our backyard -- limited, familiar and safe to our detriment.  During the shared difficulties we face as a world, I believe that we can all learn something from our youthful friends -- strive to make our backyards the world!

Peace!

Mark

Copyright 2008 Mark E. Hundley                

Description of images below: (1) Kacie and Mark prior to departure; (2) A close up of Stonehenge; (3) Mark in front of Stonehenge; (4) In front of Buckingham Palace prior to changing of the guard; (5) Big Ben; (6) Inside Windsor Castle.  More pictures to come!