Living in the Meantimes

What is a "Life Transition Specialist?"

Someone recently asked me, "What the heck is a 'Life Transition Specialist?'" I thought that was a pretty good question that demands an answer.

I have been working with people since 1971 - as a youth/family minister; educator; psychotherapist; counselor; speaker, writer, personal coach and consultant. I've had the privilege of working with individuals, families, churches, life insurance companies, funeral homes, school districts, colleges, corporate HR groups, professional associations and non-profit organizations.

I've noticed through the years that crises - both personal and corporate - follow similar paths, contain similar characteristics and require similar interventions. I've learned that crises - both negative and positive in nature - create both realities and perceptions of loss which carry with them associated experiences of grief.

More often than not, when people hear the word "grief" they automatically focus on death losses. While this is true, grief accompanies an amazingly broad range of life experiences. I am convinced that somewhere around 90% or the mental, emotional, physical, spiritual and relational issues we face (barring those of genetic, biological or chemical origins) come as a result of some single or multiple loss experiences that are either partially or wholly unreconciled.

As a Life Transition Specialist, I work with individuals, families and larger groups of people (organizations, schools, corporate bodies) to come to terms with those things that have been "lost" and move toward the creation of purposeful outcomes through the process of transition.

I would love to answer questions from any who has them. Shoot me an email or give me a call.

I appreciate the question that prompted me to give this answer.

Take care folks!

The Two-Sided Coin. A Lesson in Lifeonomics!

Mark E. Hundley Awaken Newsletter New Year, New Possibilities!

In This Issue The Two-Sided Coin Speaking of Comfort, Courtship, Cancer and . . . Courage! Quick Links Register Now News Related Topics More On Us Join Our List

Issue: 1 January/2011 Dear Friends. I have been away for the last two months ~ not necessarily by choice ~ spending an unexpected amount of time reconciling the details of many changes in our lives since October. Our lives are no different from our fellow travelers on this planet. We shift between the poles of positive and negative events working to create a perspective that allows us to make sense of the oft times complicated nature of those events. I am anxious to outline how the events of the past two and half months now form the foundation of the direction I will take in the coming new year. I am hopeful that you will find this first newsletter of 2011 to be useful, inspiring and thought provoking. The Two-Sided Coin A Lesson in Lifeonomics I often refer to life as a two-sided coin when working with clients. Periodically when discussing the unique challenges presented by a particular set of circumstances, I take a quarter from my pocket and extend it to my client while saying, "Here. Take this quarter, but only the tails side." Routinely, clients in mid-reach and with a quizzical look, say something like, "That's impossible! I can't take just one side of the coin!" As with the coin, taking hold of life requires that we take the whole ~ not just the part or side that we prefer. No matter how often we would like to separate the good from the bad, the hurtful from the helpful, the cloudy from the clear, the reality is that we cannot. Early October found me accepting a new position as Director of the Boys and Girls Clubs of Collin County Family Services Counseling Center ~ previously a free-standing non-profit organization that was absorbed by the Boys and Girls Clubs of Collin County. This invitation came from out of the blue and carries with it unprecedented possibilities! Then, on the heals of this news, Vanessa's mother, who had been living with us for several months and under hospice care, took a turn for the worse. After a two-week hospital stay, she lost her battle with cancer and COPD. She died on October 10. November ushered in a series of challenges related to beginning the process of handling my mother-in-law's estate as well as the acceleration of an option we thought was at least two years away. As Vanessa and I visited, we discovered that she could retire from public education sooner than expected. The decision was made ~ she would retire as soon as possible. December was no different. We found ourselves embracing experiences that were both invigorating and deflating. Vanessa finished her final day of public education on the 17th after 32 years of involvement at various levels in the business. As with any retirement, she had mixed feelings of both elation and letdown. Then in the midst of the excitement of Holidays, I received news from a former school colleague indicating that his young 4 yo niece died suddenly on Christmas morning. The news reminded me of the complicated nature of life. On New Year's Day morning ~ while contemplating personal and professional goals for the new year, I received a call that a dear friend had finally succumbed to the cancer he battled for two and a half years. I will share more of this family's story shortly. Lessons in Lifeonomics ~ the coin that cannot be divided or separated. If either side of the coin were to always land in view when tossed in the air and caught, I fear that we would become one dimensional ~ either enamored with false positivity or encumbered with unbearable defeat.  Lifeonomics teaches us that there is an ebb and flow to life ~ that the unpredictability inherent in life provides us opportunities to grow and learn.  I am hopeful that as you contemplate entering into this new year, you will find comfort and perspective in this brief lesson. The Bible says, ". . . and it came, to pass." Perhaps the meaning of this phrase is best communicated in this way. "And IT came . . . only to pass." Whatever we face ~ whatever we experience will not last. It is here only for a season and in that season we must take hold of the whole of life. Every Step Has a Story . . . Speaking of Comfort, Courtship, Cancer and . . . Courage! This story has its genesis on Christmas Eve 1991. June and Britt had a wonderful life in the making! Fulfilling careers, friends, family close by and two wonderful children. Nothing could have prepared them for the life altering events on that particular evening ~ an evening routinely filled with joy, anticipation and frivolity. While the family members were in various places, preparing for the celebratory Season, a tragic accident took the life of then ten year old Zach. June and the rest of her family were completely devastated! Each one fought to make sense of the senseless ~ to find reason wrapped in the unfathomable. They did their best to take each day as it came ~ living and walking through the fog. Over the next few months, all associated with June and her family worked to create a sense of stability and normalcy knowing that the void left by Zach's death would never be completely filled. A few months later, June's sister died ~ another unexpected blow. June was on the ropes, reeling from the double whammy issued by life. Then, without warning, she received the potential knock out punch. A mere eighteen months after the death of her beloved Zach, her husband Britt died in his sleep! How much more pain could life dish out to one person? It was after this third blow that I met June for the first time in 1993. Over the next several years, June worked hard to reconcile her personal losses and create a new life. The journey was not easy; however, through it all, June remained determined to find a sense of peace ~ a sense of comfort from which to draw strength for daily living. June learned to not only experience the grief of her losses, she learned the power of mourning as well. She came to understand the truth of the phrase, "Blessed are those who MOURN, for they shall find comfort." The Journey of Hope did not exist when June's life was turned upside down. If it had, perhaps her daughter would not have struggled as painfully with her personal losses as she did. When the Journey of Hope started in the summer of 1998, June was immediately drawn to its mission of helping families. June found a home there working with teens and then parents who had lost children to death. She was amazing in her work! As June rebuilt her life and forged new directions, she eventually met Brian. The chemistry was immediate and amazing! Not long after they met, I received a call from June asking me to perform their wedding and on a warm July afternoon in 2003 under a large tree in their back yard, their lives were joined. I was so happy for her ~ for THEM! They had each other and began weaving together a  unique "family on the blend" consisting of children, grandchildren and extended family members. All was well until . . . I remember receiving the call in August of 2008 ~ Brian had been diagnosed with small cell cancer that had invaded his lungs and brain. Everyone in June's life scrambled to the call. Initially, the doctors gave him just a few months, but they didn't know Brian. Brian, with June's support and love, fought back and did so furiously! He made it through the summer and then the fall. He made it to Christmas and beyond! Hope swelled! Chemo and radiation. Doctors and hospitals. Family and friends. All of these became the routine. Brian defied all conventional wisdom and projections; however, Brian was still sick. He still had cancer and that reality was never far under the surface. June, Brian and the family learned to live each day to the fullest possible. They laughed, cried, shared, celebrated, contemplated, played and loved. They did so with a depth not often experienced. Then, I received another call. Eleven days before Christmas 2010, June called and said that she felt the time was rapidly approaching. I knew what she meant. I drove to their home and sat at Brian's bedside. Even thought his body showed the ravages of his battle with cancer, his indomitable spirit shone through his eyes and smile! He was peaceful . . . realistic . . . honest. He was "ready" to use his word. I asked him if he thought he would make it through Christmas and he indicated that he hoped he would. As I left him with a prayer and a kiss on the top of his bald head, I hoped that he would as well. He did make it through Christmas ~ one final Season of Celebration with his loved ones. Then on New Year's Day 2011, I received a call from June. "He's gone" she said. "He died at 9:33 this morning." Just like that ~ gone. After so much pain, so much hope, so much struggle ~ gone. I showered and went to their home as quickly as possible. June found herself in a place she had been so many times before and yet this was different ~ every experience of death is different. She was June ~ strong, present, talking, aware and . . . sad. We talked at length while the beehive of support activity began to swell around us. June said, "Mark, after all of this settles down, I'd really like to become involved with Journey of Hope again. I can't tell you how much I miss being able to provide support for parents who have lost children." I have no doubt that June will become involved again and the families she encounters will be the better for her involvement, but first . . . there are goodbyes to be said. Wednesday January 5, 2011, we will bid farewell to our friend, Brian. June has asked me to officiate at the funeral. I am honored to do so. I do not know why some experience more than their share of pain in life. It always has been and always will be a mystery; yet through this walk with June and her family I am reminded of the power of mourning. June has lived the power of mourning which has allowed her to receive comfort, enjoy courtship again, face cancer and live life with courage. I am hopeful that her story will serve as a lesson in possibility for you. I know it does for me! I wish each of you a prosperous and hope filled New Year! Be looking for updated information in the next couple of weeks related to the Every Step Has a Story project as well as upcoming events in which you might have an interest! Thank you for your interest and support in 2010! I look forward to a wonderful 2011! Sincerely, Mark Hundley

Changes

October 2010 Newsletter Changes . . .

In This Issue Goodnight Sweet Princess From Out of the Blue! A Change of Seasons A Common Thread Quick Links Register Now News Related Topics More On Us Join Our List

Issue: #4 October/2010 Dear Friends, I fully intended to post the October newsletter earlier this month; however, a series of changes ~ some anticipated and others not ~ created challenges that demanded attention. As this month has progressed I have been reminded once again of the seemingly random yet mysteriously orchestrated paths we travel in this life. I am hopeful that as you read this newsletter, you will find time to contemplate the paths you travel ~ the changes you encounter ~ the possibilities presented to you. Mark Goodnight Sweet Princess . . . . . . And Flights of Angels . . . On Sunday October 10, 2010, my dear, sweet mother-in-law slipped through the thin veil that separates the temporal from the eternal. She was received into her eternal rest after a long and courageous battle with cancer and COPD. A breast cancer survivor, Helen Moore also battled medullary thyroid cancer ~ a type of cancer that does not respond to traditional treatment protocols. She endured multiple surgeries, frequent trips to M.D. Anderson in Houston as well as chemo and radiation therapies. In her final months, COPD took its toll on her body. I don't know of a stronger woman anywhere. Vanessa and I were in the room with her, holding her hands, stroking her cheeks and sharing words of love and comfort as she took her final breath. Those moments were both sad and sweet. It has been said that death is merely the extinguishing of the candle because the dawn has come. That phrase now has a new meaning for me. She is sorely missed! The absence of her presence bears heavily on all who know and love her . . . and yet, she resides only a breath away in the next room. It has also been said that you cannot lose someone when you know where they are. We know where she is and are grateful for the rest she now enjoys. I was honored to officiate at her funeral. At the graveside as we said our final farewells on this side of the veil, I closed with an adaptation of a line from "Hamlet." "Goodnight sweet princess and flights of angels sing thee to thy rest." Thank you, Helen, for honoring our lives with your presence. From Out of the Blue! An Offer I Couldn't Refuse  Change takes us by surprise from time to time ~ often in the midst of other changes that are completely unrelated. That was the case for me this month. While Vanessa and I were dealing with the impending death of her mother ~ working to address all the issues related to that imminent event ~ an unexpected opportunity for change presented itself to me. Was I surprised? Absolutely! I felt as I was a character in one of the "Godfather" movies ~ receiving an "offer I couldn't refuse!" The offer? Well, I was approached about becoming the Director of Boys & Girls Club Family Services Counseling Center in Collin County, TX! It seems that a stand alone non-profit center had approached the Boys & Girls Club of Collin County about absorbing them and providing services under the BGCCC umbrella. Long story made short ~ the acquisition was official in July of this year. When I met with the CEO of BGCCC, I felt as if I was stepping into a script written just for me! I was so anxious to accept that I think I asked "so when do I start" within the first fifteen minutes of our conversation. From out of the Blue! This conversation took place on Monday October 4. Helen died on Sunday October 10. Change within change wrapped up in a larger package of change. Isn't that the life is most of the time? I am so grateful for this unique opportunity. The marriage of the BGCCC and this former stand alone center creates the first  Boys & Girls Club in the country with its own counseling center under its wings. So much potential! So many possibilities! So "out of the blue!" Oh! I failed to mention . . . my commitment to the "Every Step Has a Story" 600 mile walk is fully supported by BGCCC! Yep! I'm still walking ~ and with the blessing and endorsement of my new "boss!" Cool! And on that note, I'll move on to news about the walk! Every Step Has a Story!  A Change of Seasons! As you know, the original date for my 600 mile walk from McKinney, TX to Nashville, TN was scheduled for April 2011. In keeping with the theme of this newsletter, a significant change of plans has occurred related to the "Every Step Has a Story" walk. Instead of the spring of the year, I will be making my trek in the fall of the year instead! The new date for the "Every Step Has a Story . . . a Journey of Hope" walk is now October 2011! This change in schedule actually helps me out in several ways! First, I will have a bit more time to train for the 20 - 25 miles per day I will travel. Second, Lyons Entertainment the company that will make the documentary film of this event, has indicated that the change actually works to our advantage from their perspective in that the new time frame will allow them more time to plan. It also gives them the opportunity to bring in producers that will likely open doors for funding the film and possible distribution through PBS. Obviously, talks continue along these lines, but the possibilities are exciting indeed! Third, pushing the date back allows for more time to secure funding for both the film and walk. Initial contacts have been made with State Farm as a potential sponsor and others are in the works. Fourth, the new date provides more time to recruit and secure sponsors for the "town hall meetings" in each stop along the route ~ the venues where the "Real" stories will be shared by those in attendance. After all, the story of this walk is not about a 50 something bald man from Texas walking 600 miles! It is about providing a platform for children and teens who have experienced the death of a loved one to share their intensely personal journeys in a public forum ~ forum that will hopefully encourage more open conversation about the scope and impact of childhood and adolescent loss issues! Finally, the new date gives me more time to secure corporate sponsors for products and services needed for the project. Last week, I received confirmation that NIKE will provide me with shoes as minimum for this project! All very exciting! So . . . please alter your calendar and mark October 2011 as the new date for Every Step Has a Story . . . a Journey of Hope! New Stories . . .  A Common Thread  On October 7 and 8 I found myself in French Lick, IN at the French Lick Resort participating in the Fall Meeting for the Kentucky - Southern Indiana Northwestern Mutual Financial Services Agency. My topic for this meeting was "Death Benefit Delivery: What Do I Do Now?" Part of the work I do with life insurance and financial services professionals focuses on informed, compassionate and caring delivery of benefits to beneficiary families in the aftermath of the death of an insured loved one. As is often the case, I was available for the remainder of the meeting beyond my presentation which gave me time to visit with individual agents. During the comfort of small group or one-on-one conversations, I routinely hear personal stories from agents. This trip was no different. On this particular trip, I found a common thread in three of the stories that I would like to share with you. The Hole in My Heart ~ Jim (not his real name) was fifteen when his life was altered forever. Coming home from school on a fall afternoon, Jim anticipated a late afternoon game of catch with his father, a local minister. Seeing the family vehicle gone, he assumed that his dad had been called out to perform some ministerial duty. As he walked into the kitchen, his mother said, "I told your father that you would be home soon ~ that he should wait to make the call. It wasn't an emergency after all, but you know your father." Jim indicated that he knew what she meant. Instead of going outside, he decided to lie down on his bed and rest. He went into his room, turned on the radio and stretched out for a quick nap. Living in a small town meant that local news was a big deal. Jim closed his eyes and began listening to the music. At the very moment the DJ broke in with the words, "We have a breaking story," Jim sat bolt upright in bed ~ an eerie sense of impending doom sweeping over him. At some level, he KNEW that the breaking story had something to do with his father. the DJ indicated that there had been a fatality accident on the Interstate and that traffic was backed up in both directions. Jim immediately ran to the kitchen where his mother's face confirmed that they shared matching intuition about the news. Within about 20 minutes, the local sheriff showed up at their house and shared that Jim's dad had indeed been involved in the accident and was pronounced dead at the scene. As I sat across from Jim, his eyes drifted back to a time that created an enormous amount of pain in his life. After a moment' silence he said, "That day tore a hole in my heart that exists even today . . . that experience is why I chose to be in the life insurance business." Someone Make the Dog Stop Barking ~ Tammy (not her real name) picked me up from the airport in Louisville, KY. During the hour drive north to the resort, we had a chance to visit and exchange a few life stories. Tammy is an exceedingly energetic and intelligent young woman ~ articulate, driven, excited about her work! I asked about what attracted her to the life insurance business and she shared her heart. It seems that when Tammy was ten years old, her mother suffered a heart attack early on a Saturday morning. She awoke to the realization that something was not right when the dog would not stop barking. She recalled saying, "Would someone make the dog be quiet please? Please?" She said this several times with no response. She got up out of bed, opened her bedroom door and walked to the railing outside her second story room. As she looked down, she saw her mother being wheeled out on a gurney. Her father spoke not a word as she was left alone in the house ~ confused, dazed, scared. In a few minutes, a neighbor came in and stayed with Tammy until her father returned with the news that her mother had not survived. That news did not make sense ~ it did not sink in! She had difficulty embracing what she was told. She does not remember the funeral. She does not remember the first several months after her mother's death. She indicated that her mother traveled a lot for her job so it was not unusual for her to be gone for days at a time. Tammy shared that almost a year after her mother's death, she awoke on a Saturday morning to the barking of her dog. In that moment, the entire scene from a year before came flooding back and she sat on her bed and wept ~ alone. Tammy shared that although her memories of high school without her mother are sketchy she knows that the experience shaped her life. In fact, she shared that the reason she works in the life insurance business is as a direct result of her mother's death. She runs the "Client Service Center" where "orphan" policy holders (clients who bought a policy from an agent who is no longer in the business) find service, guidance and direction when they have a need related to life insurance. Oh, as part of her work, she helps to process approximately 400 death claims a year . . . My Brother . . . ~ The final story I share today is brief. Frank (not his real name) sat listening to the stories of others in a group and then touched my shoulder. He said, "Let me tell you about my brother. He is why I do what I do today." It seems that when Frank was twelve, his seventeen year old brother was killed in an automobile accident. Frank adored, idolized and worshipped his brother. When he died, Frank was devastated ~ not to mention that his family was crushed as well! Tears welled in Frank's eyes as he worked to recount the experience. He struggled to piece together a sentence that was not punctuated by attempts to swallow back sobs of grief. Finally, Frank gave up. He looked a me and with tears flowing freely down his cheeks, said, "I'm here because of my brother. I don't want what happened to my family after his death happen to other families." With that he ducked his head and wept silently. I put my arm around his shoulder, hugged him tightly and shed a tear of my own. The common thread? All three of these amazing adults chose to invest their hearts, souls and professionalism into a business that addresses the unwanted, the unthinkable, the inevitable as a result of their loss experiences as children or teens. Just three more reasons why "Every Step Has a Story" is so important. Thnank you for reading and sharing this information with friends, family and co-workers! I am hopeful that you will find the information helpful as you negotiate your own personal journey through this life. Be looking for more stories from the road. Until next time . . . Peace! Sincerely, Mark Hundley

Every Step Has a Story: The Saga of Sydney and Edwin

Every Step Has a Story: The Saga of Sydney and Edwin

Good Mourning UNT! Recently, the University of North Texas online alumni newsletter published a story about Awaken to Good Mourning and Every Step Has a Story. I was honored and pleased with the wonderful job they did! You are invited to read the article entitled Good Mourning and then share the link with friends and family. Speaking Update I recently spent a couple of days in Mountain View, CA hosted by the Cusimano Family Colonial Mortuary for two sessions ~ one in the evening for the community and a second the next morning for professionals in the helping professions. The experience was one I will never forget! From the beautiful weather to the beautiful people I met, it was just amazing! Thanks to Sherri and Matt Cusimano for hosting me for these events! On October 7 & 8, I will be in French Lick, IN ~ about an hour north of Louisville, KY ~ speaking to a Northwestern Mutual Life Insurance agency on the subject of Death Benefit Delivery. I'm looking forward to this trip and will share details in the October newsletter. Stories Needed If you have a story of related to personal loss that you would like to share in this forum, please send them to me @ [email protected] I would be honored to make them a part of this ongoing series of stories. Walk Update Look for updated details about the walk from McKinney, TX to Nashville, TN in the October newsletter.

Dear Friends, The story I share with you today is a bit different from the previous ones ~ perhaps a bit more unusual. I am hopeful that your will find comfort, encouragement and insight into this journey of grief we all must take at one time or another. If this story helps you in any way, please share it with friends and family members. Thank you. Mark Every Step Has a Story: The Saga of Sydney and Edwin The story of Sydney and Edwin begins in the spring of 1956 ~ a time when the loss of a baby was often downplayed; especially if the loss was a stillbirth. The practices and protocols found in many hospitals today designed to assist grieving parents and families to embrace the pain of their loss did not exist then. Perhaps if they had, some of the outcomes of this story would have been different. Edwin was approaching his third birthday in 1956. He lived with his parents in the Texas High Plains city of Lubbock ~ home to red dirt, relentless wind, tabletop-like landscapes and the Texas Tech Red Raiders. Edwin to this day ~ some fifty years later ~ retains many memories of his brief stay there. He fondly recalls his pet boxer, his best friend (who happened to be a girl), riding his tricycle down the wide street on which he lived and playing "drums" on his mother's pots and pans in the middle of the kitchen floor. In contrast, he remembers the terror of seeing a black tornado looming over the city, the discovery of a brightly colored snake under a rock in his front yard and the day he attempted to fly his new balsa wood glider in the middle of a howling sand storm. He also remembers . . . the day he was first touched by the tragedy of death. You see, Edwin's family was expecting an addition to the family. He was hoping for a brother! In the days prior to the anticipated delivery date, there was an air of expectation. Telephone calls daily, frequent visits from friends and family members and talk of the new baby to come became the routine to which he grew accustomed. The day finally arrived when his mother went to the hospital. Edwin could hardly wait! He would soon have a baby brother or sister to play with ~ he really, really hoped for that brother! Today when Edwin recounts the events as he recalls them, a tinge of sadness still hangs in his speech. Of all the memories of the day his mother came home from the hospital, the one that affected him the most was the realization that no baby accompanied her when she walked through the door. Edwin was confused. The house characterized by the electricity of anticipation suddenly fell silent. Smiles were replaced by tears and sadness. Confusion filled Edwin's little heart and mind. Many times, Edwin recalls that the adults would cease their conversation whenever he entered the room. At some level, Edwin recounts that he felt as if he had done something wrong ~ something about which no one would speak. Eventually, he asked about the baby. To the best of his memory, he was told that Sydney had been stillborn ~ that he was not alive ~ that Edwin would not have a brother. "Stillborn?" What did that mean? All he knew was that it meant he had a brother named Sydney but didn't really have him because he was "stillborn" and could not be at home. He did his best to accept it and through the years he ventured to ask questions from time to time. Eventually, "stillborn" made sense and he understood what had happened. There were other questions swimming around in his mind, but he can't remember asking them. Edwin struggled with Sydney's absence as he grew. Perhaps this experience caused Edwin to develop a keen sensitivity to the emotions of others because he often felt compelled to reach out to people when he sensed their sadness. Growing up, Edwin was exposed to the deaths of many children ~ saw how those deaths affected the parents and siblings ~ contemplated how Sydney's absence had affected him and his family. He often recalls the family in Galveston that lost their sons in a swimming accident; and the death a twelve year old friend; he remembers the deaths of high school and college friends; he remembers and wonders. Wonders how all those families made it through. In college in the early to mid-70's, Edwin's interest in death, loss and grief grew. This interest dictated a major in sociology and minor in psychology followed by over a decade of youth and family ministry. Based on his interest in and study of loss and grief, Edwin felt that he had a pretty good handle on those subjects ~ that is, until he realized he didn't. In early 1989 ~ almost 33 years after the stillbirth of Sydney ~ Edwin came face-to-face with another devastating death loss. On a very normal day ~ a day much like the one in the spring of 1956 ~ Edwin suddenly found himself the single father of a young daughter when his wife of 12.5 years died as a result of injuries she received in an automobile accident. Once again, Edwin was faced with unanswerable questions, confused perspectives and life-altering consequences. What did Edwin do? He did the best he could to embrace the reality of loss, experience the pains of grief, find healing through mourning and begin rebuilding a new life. Eventually, Edwin remarried and found himself in grad school for counseling. About four years into this new marriage, he and his wife visited her daughter on a parent's weekend at Texas Tech in Lubbock. While there, the memories of Sydney flooded Edwin's heart and mind. He contacted his parents to gather information about Sydney. He found his old house. He found a quiet space . . . he remembered . . . he cried. He realized that from the day Sydney died, he had been on a journey ~ a journey punctuated by exposure to the deepest pain human beings can experience - that of losing a loved one to death. Edwin was and is still, deeply involved with work in the field of loss and grief ~ not as a result of his personal losses for he does not believe that such experiences happen in order to move us in specific directions. Rather, Edwin finds himself involved in the field as a result of his choices and decisions in the aftermath of such experiences. Edwin's journey began at age three. He wrote a portion of this journey in a short story entitled "The Journey." An excerpt follows: "Sydney - my brother who never was!  The blessed addition to our family back in 1956 that was never added.  The one about whom our family rarely spoke after the day he was stillborn.  All my life, I had wondered about Sydney - about what it would have been like to have a younger brother.  In the years following that family tragedy, I recalled playing "make believe" - creating games and circumstances where Sydney and I would play together.  I couldn't believe my eyes!   I picked him up and we sat together on the bench and just looked at one another for a long time.  Finally, Sydney reached for my hand.  As his tiny hand encircled my thumb, I was immediately taken back to the small house in which we lived back then. Although the memories were fuzzy, I was able to recall the confusion that I experienced - our home was to have been happy when mommy came home from the hospital; we were supposed to have a little "bundle of joy" they had said.  Instead, there were tears; hushed conversations filled with emotions I couldn't comprehend; buried anger and resentment; blame; sadness; and the sense of barrenness created by an empty cradle.   The experience of adulthood had given meaning to all those conflicting and confusing feelings from the past.  Looking back, I can see how that event initiated life-long reverberations of grief for all of my family - parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles.  So much possibility unfulfilled.  So many hopes dashed.  So many dreams erased.  So much happiness buried.  More than 50 years have passed and I still feel the sting of that day.   I closed my eyes allowing the scene to disappear, and then looked down again into Sydney's face.  "I don't understand little bro!  What does this have to do with my journey?  Why are we here together now of all times?"   Sydney looked up at me and with wisdom well beyond his years, he said, "Your journey began on that day - the journey you continue even now.  What was incomprehensible then you now have words to describe.  With those words, you can comfort young mothers and fathers - help mend hearts and relationships torn apart by the unthinkable.  You can teach others to express compassion for families tormented by the emptiness of early death.  You can help create hope for the future.  You can do this because healing matters!"   Sitting there on that bench, I thought about all the challenges that Sydney's absence from our lives had created for my family through the years.  I thought about the impact of his absence in my own life.  How many times growing up had I heard, "Do you have a brother?"  He was right!  My journey had begun the day his terminated.  I have been running this race for a very long time.  I realized that to drop the running now would mean taking my eye off the finish line - stopping short of the goal - missing chances to make a difference."   Thus the saga of Sydney and Edwin . . . no, not ends . . . but . . . continues . . . Friends, this story is mine and it is true. You see, my middle name is Edwin. I think of Sydney every day. I think of all the other Edwin's and families affected by similar losses. There are times I tire on this journey. There are times I feel as if I am a "voice crying in the wilderness" to which few listen. There are times that I long for a message more easily accepted by the public. There are times I contemplate taking a detour from this path . . . and then . . . I think of the Saga of Sydney and Edwin . . . and . . . well . . . I take another step. Until next time . . . Peace!   Sincerely,   Mark Hundley

Why This? Why Now? Why You?

Greetings Friends,

I am amazed at how quickly time passes these days! Well, it likely does not pass any faster in reality ~ it just seems that way! Perhaps it's my age or the fact that I have no hair or . . . perhaps it's just the fast pace at which we live our lives. Regardless, the months seem to fly by now!

In this issue, I'll share the beginnings of several stories that have touched schools, families and communities in the very recent past. I'll also talk about what's behind Every Step Has a Story, in an effort to add more depth to the event. Exciting updates about potential corporate sponsorships will be addressed and finally we'll highlight an article published by the UNT online alumni magazine related to Good Mourning.

Hope you enjoy this September Edition of our Newsletter!

Mark

New Stories . . . Just Beginning

Ripple Effects Recently I was contacted by an area high school and asked to make a presentation outlining healthy ways to deal with grief. You see, this particular school has experienced multiple death losses in a very short time period ~ both over the summer months and at the beginning of the new school year. As I listened to the explanation of the sequence of events, I found myself wondering just how far the effects of these losses would reach. In my 20 plus years of working with grieving individuals, families and groups I have been reminded over and again that a single death creates ripples that move through families, groups and communities in ways that often defy prediction. Many times, these ripples continue on for years. Imagine the complexity facing the school and community as they work to embrace the impact of the death of two students in separate accidents, children having to deal with the death of a parent in two separate suicide events and the death of one parent who lost a battle with cancer. It is as if someone has taken several pebbles and cast them into a pond, breaking the still surface and sending overlapping ripples in multiple directions at once. The tasks facing the families, school and community are enormous. The stories are just beginning. The outcomes remain in question. The families and groups affected by these losses will need to take each day as it comes. They must find healthy ways to both embrace the pain of grief and express their grief in acts of mourning that help them heal. To borrow from Dr. Alan Wolfelt, I want to share with you the "Six Reconciliation Needs of Mourners." Acknowledge the Reality of the Death Through Mourning Rituals. Move Toward the Pain of the Loss while being Nurtured Physically, Emotionally and Spiritually. Convert the Relationship from one of Presence to one of Memory. Develop a New Self Identity Based on a Life Without the Person Who Died. Relate the Experience of Death to a Context of Meaning. A Continued Supportive Presence in Future Years Although healthy reconciliation of grief is not guaranteed, if those affected by the deaths mentioned earlier will approach their journeys by paying attention to the needs listed above then they have a better chance to heal. Perhaps one day we'll hear from one or more of those just beginning their journey. In the meantime, may we keep them in our thoughts and prayers.

Every Step Has a Story!

Why This? Why Now? Why You?   I can't tell you how many have enthusiastically encouraged me in my 600 mile walking project! Almost without fail, I get a "Wow!" when sharing the details of the event. Then, there are a few who pause, look at me as if I had three eyes and ask, "Now tell me again . . . just WHY are you doing this? And Why NOW of all times?" Let me take each of the questions individually. Why This? ~ Perhaps the best answer for this question is a set of sobering statistics. Often, the simple numbers speak better than any words I can conjure. 1.5 million children will lose one or both parents to death by the age of 15. Over 3.5 to 4 million children under the age of 18 are grieving the loss of a parent. One out of seven children will experience the death of a loved one by the age of ten. 1 out of 5 children have a learning, emotional, or behavioral problem due to the family system changing. Close to 2 million children receive death benefits from a deceased worker. Children of parents who die suddenly are 3 times more likely to develop depression and are at higher risk for post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Children who lose loved ones are 5 times more likely to complete suicide.  Children who lose loved ones are 9 times more likely to drop out of high school. Children who lose loved ones are 10 times more likely to use drugs. Children who lose loved ones are 20 times more at risk for behavioral disorders.  Children who lose loved ones to death are often referred to as "Forgotten Mourners."  Why this walk? I want to raise awareness nationally about the scope and impact of childhood and teen loss. I am convinced that many of the issues with which we struggle have at their root some partially or wholly unreconciled loss or losses. Perhaps this walk will help us all to share more openly about our losses. Why Now? ~ Perhaps this question is best answered by another question . . . Why NOT now? If we waited for the "perfect time" to address an issue, we might wait an entire lifetime. Remember Yoda? Yes, that wise little munchkin said it best when he stated, "Do or Do Not! There is No Try!" I can "try" all I want to ~ think about, plan, mull it over, dream ~ and never move off center. NOW seems to be the best time to Do something of consequence. There are organizations around the world that dedicate their time, resources and energies to assist and support grieving children. What better time than NOW to help bring their all-important work to light? What better time than NOW to give voice to the stories of children, teens and families who struggle to make sense of the senseless? What better time . . . ? Why You? ~ I learned a long time ago that when a need stares me in the face and I say, "I sure wish someone would do something about that," the next thing that happens is that a tiny little voice responds by asking, "Well what's keeping you from doing something?" I often find myself fumbling with weak excuses as to why I can't only to ultimately surrender and begin the process of figuring out what I can do. You see, it's not right to volunteer someone else to address an issue if I'm not willing to do something myself. I'm only doing what any other able-bodied person can do! The story is not in this 57 year old bald cowboy from Texas walking to Tennessee in one month! No sir! The real stories will come from children, teens, families and communities as they have a chance to share their experiences along the way. That little voice did not ask, "Well what's keeping George from doing something about it?" The voice asked "Well what's keeping YOU from doing something?" Thanks Yoda . . . and thanks Voice . . . I can't wait to see what will happen!

Every Step Has a Story!

Corporate Sponsorships In previous communications I have shared that Lyons Entertainment and Black River Media/Films are on board to do the documentary film of this project! In addition, StatGuard Technologies will build and host a website for the walk and team with Sprint to provide 24/7 streaming HD TV quality video of the event. In the process of talking to folks about the project, State Farm Insurance has begun the process of considering underwriting the film and serving as primary sponsor for the walk itself! I am working on contacts with Nike, Coca Cola, Ozarka and others to provide products that will make the walk a bit easier. We are looking for sponsors in other areas as well! If you would like to know more about what we are looking for or have ideas, please feel free to shoot me an email! I'd love to hear from you!

UNT Alumni Publication

Good Mourning Recently, the University of North Texas contacted me to inquire about the second edition of Awaken to Good Mourning. In the process of visiting with them, the conversation focused on the Every Step Has a Story project and well . . . the rest is now history. I would like to invite you to read the wonderful article they wrote entitled, Good Mourning and share it with friends and family. I continue to be amazed at the interest in helping grieving children and teens!

As always, thanks so much for your continued interest and support! I love hearing from you! I am hopeful that you have found the information in this issue of the newsletter both useful and informative.

Take care until next time! Peace!

 

Sincerely,

 

Mark Hundley

Every Step Has a Story: Angie's Story

Every Step Has a Story: Angie's Story

Every Step Has a Story Walk Itinerary April 2011 ~ Every Step Has a Story Itinerary Greenville, TX Sulphur Springs, TX Sulphur Springs, TX (Rest) Mt. Vernon, TX Naples, TX New Boston, TX Texarkana, TX Hope, AR Prescott, AR Prescott, AR (Rest) Arkadelphia, AR Malvern, AR Benton, AR Little Rock, AR Cabot, AR Searcy, AR Searcy, AR (Rest) Wynne, AR Earle, AR Memphis, TN Munford, TN Brownsville, TN Humboldt, TN Humboldt, TN (Rest) Camden, TN Waverly, TN Dickson, TN Fairview, TN Brentwood, TN Nashville, TN Keep looking for updates on  the progress of the walk! I'm excited about the possibilities!

Dear Friends, As promised, I am sharing another story gathered along the way. Angie's story is perhaps more common than we might think~an adolescent thrown into an emotionally charged situation, frantic activity surrounding the event, poorly communicated instructions, assumptions and forgetting that a twelve year-old had been placed in an untenable position. All these and more contributed to a ripple effect of influence that reverberated through years of her life. I am hopeful that you will be both touched and enlightened by Angie's Story. . . Mark Angie's Story Angie timidly entered the room, hesitated, then turned back toward the door as if she intended to leave. Her hand rested on the doorknob as she stood there frozen by an unseen, internal battle. The brief pause allowed just enough time for a young woman already in the room to make her way to Angie, extend her hand in greeting and introduce herself. This unexpected demonstration of support caught Angie by surprise and jarred her from her introspection. The other young woman warmly welcomed Angie to the first session of an open-ended grief therapy group. After a few minutes of interchange, Angie and her new "friend" made their way to the circle. As the group dynamics guided the pace and direction of the initial session, I observed Angie as other group participants shared. She appeared uncomfortable. Often as group members shared, I noticed that  her lower lip quivered. Occasionally, she would nod in agreement with a comment from a group member. Always, she looked from one group member to another as they shared their thoughts, feelings and beliefs. Near the end of the session, Angie suddenly blurted out, "Do I have time to talk?" All eyes turned toward her and the unspoken invitation opened a door in her heart that had been closed a long time. As the door opened and she began to speak, an almost unbelievable transformation took place before our eyes. Instead of the sophisticated 24 year-old woman who walked in earlier, Angie became her twelve year-old self. Her voice noticeably changed in pitch and tone. Her vocabulary reverted to that of an adolescent. Her body posture and language projected that of an insecure, self-conscious pre-teen. I had never before witnessed anything quite like that in my life. I was fascinated to hear her story. Angie shared, in her halting twelve year-old style, how her mother had been ill with cancer since Angie was ten. She told the group that her mother spent many months in the hospital and that only recently had she come home. Equipped with IV drips, a hospital bed and constant nursing care, Angie had her mother home. At one point, Angie paused and drifted back to a scene buried deep in her memory, then continued. She indicated that she believed that her mother had come home to recover~that she would soon be well again. No one bothered to tell her the truth that her mother wanted to spend her final days in the familiarity and comfort of her own family and surroundings. It seems that on the night Angie's mother died, Angie was sitting at her bedside, holding her hand and talking with her. Without warning, Angie's mother began to experience distress. The nurse quickly jumped in to action and began barking orders and making calls. Angie stood and moved to the corner of the room watching in confusion and terror. Then, as quickly as the tranquil scene altered, Angie's mother was gone. As she died, she reached out her hand toward Angie and whispered her name. Although Angie did not want to believe it, she knew in her heart that her mother had died ~ and yet . . . The nurse came into the room and instructed Angie to place her hand under her mother's chin and stay there until she returned. Being the compliant child she was, she did as told. Angie stood there, dutifully holding her hand under her mother's chin to keep her mouth closed until the nurse could return. All the while, Angie spoke in soft whispers, "Don't go, mommy. Please don't go. I love you mommy, please don't go." Angie shared that the nurse apparently forgot her instructions to Angie and she stood there for almost an hour. Finally, her father came in, saw what Angie was doing and scolded her for touching her mother. The next few days and weeks were a blur for her, but the message was clear ~ at least to her. She had somehow done something wrong; she was not to talk about what had happened in that room; she was to pick herself up and go on with life . . . period. Members of the group that night expressed words of comfort, reassurance and support and slowly Angie returned to her 24 year-old self. I was afraid that Angie might not return after such a traumatic re-visiting of the death scene; however, she came the next week and then the week after that. Slowly, the group witnessed a transformation in Angie. Each week, she spent less and less time in her 12 year-old self and more in her present day self. As she talked openly  each week about the effects her mother's death had had on her through the years, she grew stronger, more self-confident and in touch with herself and others. When the group decided that it was time to terminate groups sessions, Angie took a few minutes during the final session to express her thanks to her fellow companions in the group for their sincere love, respect and support. I watched, a tear streaming down my cheek, as each group member hugged and promised to stay in touch. I don't know where Angie is now or how she is doing, but I have to believe that as a result of the powerful work done in that group, she has been able to construct a life of her own making. One not dominated by false guilt and shame, but a life guided by a secure self-awareness that healing comes through sharing. Angie touched my life and reminded me of the importance of being open, honest and supportive to children of all ages when they face the death of a loved one. Angie is one of my heroes. I am forever indebted to her for her demonstration of courage and determination. Angie was able to meet herself at the point of her deepest pain and take the necessary journey to healing through learning to mourn in healthy ways. May we all learn from Angie. Thank you for taking the time to read Angie's story. I am hopeful that you will pass it on to friends and family if you see fit. We are all together in this thing called life and need one another in order to make it through from time to time. Until next time . . . Peace!   Sincerely,   Mark Hundley Awaken Associates

I'll Speak for Free!

Yes, you read correctly! I'll SPEAK FOR FREE!

Any speaking engagement booked during the month of May 2010 ~ regardless of the month of the scheduled event ~ I'm waiving my speaking fee!  The only two requirements I have is that the booking organization provide travel & lodging if necessary and allow for the sale of my book Awaken to Good Mourning at the end of the presentation! That's it!

Why in the world am I making this offer?  I'm glad you asked!

First, I have discovered that many organizations would love to book speakers but due to the economic stresses have chosen to forgo the expense of bringing in outside resources.  Second, I feel compelled to make this offer! You see, deep in the core of my soul, the desire to communicate with groups of people about the possibilities of powerful living in the Meantimes of Life drives me to seek audiences.  Finally, based solely on past experience, the messages that burn in my spirit connect with people at levels that defy explanation.

The other day a friend and colleague sent me her "endorsement statement" of my speaking.  I was both amused and deeply touched by what she said.  She wrote, "Mark Hundley's presentations are a tasty treat. He serves up delicious stories of real people and real life and adds big dollups of humor along with a dash of tears. You'll want seconds and thirds."  I'd certainly love to be on your group's menu!

I speak to multiple audiences. Following is a brief listing of a few of the more popular topics and the audiences to which they are directed.  Perhaps this will help you in deciding with whom you will share the information.

General Interest

• Life’s Journey and the Power of Belief – Life is a Journey and not a Destination.  Along the paths we travel we often struggle with challenges, difficulties and obstacles.  This presentation addresses the power available to us as we learn to Believe in the Journey of Life Itself, the Journey of Others and our Own Personal Journey.

• Successful Living in the Meantimes of Life – We are often thrown off track in life by the intrusion of “Mean Times” – events that create chaos and confusion forcing us to shift our focus.  This presentation explores ways to live successfully when the “Mean Times” occur as well as how to navigate the “Meantimes” – the intervening time between the event and the continuation of our life.  The ability to Acknowledge and Embrace the reality of the event; Take Inventory of our Resources; Acquire new Coping Tools: and Act with Purpose empowers us to live successfully through any Mean Time Life may throw our way!

Life Insurance Industry

• From Tragedy to Triumph: The Power of Life Insurance -- Mark’s personal story – both inspirational and motivational!  This presentation is guaranteed to infuse agents with certainty about the purpose of their work!  Mark details how the Product, Person and Promise components of life insurance create a powerful dynamic for dealing effectively with beneficiaries.

• Death Benefit Delivery: What Do I Do Now? – This presentation details simple, effective steps for competent, compassionate delivery of death benefits through the transfer of skills already a part of the training regimen for the agent.

Churches and Religious Organizations

• God’s Cycle of Comfort: The Key to Effective Community Outreach – Community outreach forms one of the core values of most churches; however, not all programs of outreach are as effective as intended.  This presentation examines God’s Cycle of Comfort by Defining its Cyclical Nature; Its Redemptive Purpose; and its Relational Impact.  Participants will discover that all the tools necessary for effective community outreach lie within the scope of their own personal human experience.

 

• The Good Mourning Sandwich – Long before McDonald’s created the Egg McMuffin, God outlined the path to healing from loss in His Mourning Sandwich model.  This presentation examines the components necessary to combine faith and action in a meaningful context thus creating a model of meaning-making through the process of mourning losses

I' hopeful that these brief descriptions provide you with information you can share with organizations of which you are a part.

Remember! May is "Speak for Free" month!  Any booking that takes place this month, I waive my fee!

Give me a call at 469-422-1638 or email me at [email protected]

I look forward to heading to your neck of the woods!

Later!  Peace, ya'll!

Mark

Speaking of the Meantimes . . .

Exciting Developments for 2010!

As you know, this blog is dedicated to offering information designed to help folks live powerfully and successfully during the Mean Times of life.  Over the past couple of years, I've sought to do that by creating and sharing essays written to inspire, challenge and encourage.  With the recent release of the Second Edition of Awaken to Good Mourning, I am pleased to add updates and stories related to the book as well as new opportunities coming my way to share strategies for living powerfully during the Meantimes of Life.

The book marketing is going well.  Because of my goal to place the book into the hands of entities who have the most immediate access to the people who need the information the most, we are targeting funeral homes, churches, life insurance companies, hospices, corporate HR departments and the like.  Already, we have made significant connections in these areas locally.  In addition, the Bereaved Families of Ontario, The Karen Ann Quinlan Hospice in New Jersey and the Centering Corporation have expressed interest in adopting Awaken to Good Mourning as a part of their program in some way!  We are extremely excited about these opportunities and continue to work to make even more connections!

On March 22, 2010, I was privileged to speak to a group of life insurance company decision-makers at the 2010 LAMP Conference (Life Agency Management Program) ~ the Education Division of GAMA, Intl. (General Agents & Managers Association) ~ in Las Vegas!  The subject of my afternoon breakout session was, "Death Benefit Delivery: What Do I Do Now?" The presentation is designed to outline a framework for compassionate, caring death benefit delivery processes and procedures that ultimately create win-win outcomes for all involved ~ the beneficiary, agent and company.  The presentation was very well received and I was able to make significant contacts for future work in the life insurance industry.

Coming up in June 2010, I will be presenting a workshop for the Counseling and Student Services Department of Collin College in Plano.  The focus of the presentation will be to equip those folks with tools so that they may work with grieving students in more effective and efficient ways.

January 2011 will bring the opportunity to present to the Collin County Council of Violence Annual Conference.  My presentation will address "Disenfranchised Grief and Domestic Violence!" I am excited about this particular presentation in that it will be the first time to formally address the subject of Disenfranchised Grief as it relates to Domestic Violence issues!

What Can You Do to Help?

Well, I'm glad you asked ~ even though you really haven't! I cherish the assistance and support of my friends in getting the word about my work out to a larger public.  I am convinced that the more we talk about and discuss the challenges related to loss, grief and living in tough times, the better suited we become to handle the challenges of life in positive, healing and healthy ways.  So . . . that being said . . . here's a few ways you can help me out.

• Think about people you know who work in the funeral business, life insurance, ministry, hospice or education fields.  Write their names down and send them to me. I would love the chance to share with them a little about my work.
• Think about civic or professional organizations of which you are a member.  What opportunities might there be for me to address those groups in a presentations designed to meet the specific needs of your group?  Speak with the directors or leaders of those organizations about contacting me.
• Consider approaching the pastor, rabbi or priest of your local place of worship about the possibility of my coming to speak. I would love the chance to interact with those in your group.
• Finally, think about friends, co-workers, acquaintances or family members who have lost loved ones. Take a step to share the Gift of Healing by giving Awaken to Good Mourning. Bulk purchase discounts are available with the purchase of two or more copies.

Signing Off For Now

That's all for now!  I'll be posting frequently to provide updates.  I look forward to hearing from you ~ your thoughts, comments and suggestions for contact!  Thank you for all the support you've given thus far!

Oh! One More Thing!

I plan on providing answers to questions related to death, loss, grief, life transition issues and living in the meantimes on this blog.  If you or someone you know has a question you would like addressed, please send them my way!  Thanks!

Until Next Time . . . Peace!

Mark

 

To purchase individual copies, please visit Awaken Associates and click on the "Buy Now" Button

Five Steps to a Meaningful Holiday Season

Here We Go Again!

Yes, we find ourselves in the midst of yet another Holiday Season ~ complete with all the reminders (as if we needed any) that the Season should be filled with joy, laughter, gifts, family, friends, gifts, parties, lights, gifts, food, festivities and . . . did I mention, GIFTS?  Yes we are in the thick of things right now ~ have been for quite a while come to think of it!  It seems that November 1 ushered in all the Holiday commercials on tv, swiftly swept off the shelves all the Halloween trappings, filled the aisles of stores with all manner of gadgets and decorations and focused our attention on the anticipated spending of the upcoming Season.  Ah, Holidays in America!  There is a part of me that longs for a Holiday I've never had ~ one that is simple, pure and unadulterated.

As much as I might like for the Holiday Machine to grasp the bigger picture and help create a focus that invites more meaningful connections, I'm afraid that the Jingle Bell Juggernaut is rather myopic and incapable of such a change.  What's a person to do?  Well, I'm glad you asked because I've been thinking about that very question and have a few suggestions to share.

Read Mine, Add Your Own!

Recently, I found myself as a guest on a radio show addressing ways to deal with Holiday stress and grief.  In an effort to provide some perspective to a time of year that can create great distress, I came up with Five Steps to a Meaningful Holiday Season.  I encourage you to read mine and then add your own if you wish.  Here they are!

1. Slow Down ~ All too often we find ourselves swept up in the tyranny of frenetic activity without real purpose.  My encouragement here is to slow down.  Take time to just "Be" rather than "Do!"  After all, aren't we known as Human Beings?  I fear that sometimes we engage in activity simply because of outside expectations, thus becoming Human Doings!  Slowing down is a conscious choice ~ a choice to make the time necessary to feel, share with others and when necessary seek appropriate support.  We can never run away from our struggles or issues.  They are along for the ride or wait patiently for us at the end of our running.  I find that slowing down actually allows me time to face myself and realize that I am not alone and that I have the capacity to enjoy the moment without filling it with unnecessary, oft times meaningless activity.  My all-time favorite C.S. Lewis quote comes to mind here: "The Present is the Point at which Time touches Eternity."  Slowing Down may actually allow us to fill our present moments with eternally significant actions.
2. Retreat ~ What I mean here is that we need to make time for reflection, remembering and renewal.  Great power awaits us if we will spend some time looking backward before moving ahead with our lives.  The Holiday Season is a perfect time to pause for such retreat.  Often, we must learn to step back a bit in order to move forward more effectively with purpose and passion.  Retreating can open the door for us to determine the Rituals of Meaning in our lives that we wish to continue and/or create that incorporate components of our past, present and anticipated future.  I challenge you to sit down with a cup of hot chocolate, a pen, a pad and your thoughts.  Retreat ~ step away from where you are to times where you have been ~ reflect, recall and renew.  You'll be glad you did.
3. Plan With Flexibility ~ One thing is a given during the Holiday Season - not everything will go as planned!  Count on it!  You know what I mean!  Can you actually remember a year when EVERYTHING went according to plan?  I encourage you to anticipate and prepare for the unexpected.  Work at not being surprised when all is not "perfect" or something goes "wrong."  Often the best gifts are those experiences that come from out of the blue!  Work at embracing the unexpected.  Be open to different activities or locations for your celebrations.  Invite serendipity to your home this year.  You just might be amazed!
4. Take Care of Yourself ~ Often when the Holidays arrive, we give ourselves permission to either partially or wholly abandon common sense when it comes to our health - both physical and emotional.  I encourage you to approach this Holiday Season with your head squarely on your shoulders.  Eat wisely, get plenty of rest, drink lots of water, exercise (even a short walk can be helpful) and above all, maintain established medical routines.  Do you find yourself engaging in activities with which you are uncomfortable or that create anxiety or distress?  It is likely that an exercise in setting boundaries is necessary.  Determine before your gatherings what you will and/or won't do.  The activities with which you are comfortable and those with which you are not.  Taking care of yourself creates opportunities for you to be more yourself and more present for what is important.
5. Simplify ~ You know what I mean!  What's the point of going overboard with the gift-giving?  What do we get out of going deeper into debt to shower others with things that may or may not survive the next six months or may find their way into the "re-gifting pile" for next year?  Perhaps it is time to scale back a bit.  Focus more on relationships.  Aim for moderation in our gift-giving.  Re-think our gift-giving strategies and give with meaning thinking of the person who is the recipient.  Why not look for ways to support favorite charities during this Season?  God knows there are charities out there that do wonderful work year round that could use a shot in the arm.  (I have a bit more to say about this shortly)

I'm hopeful that you have found encouragement to approach the Holiday Season in ways that create comfort and joy rather than perpetuate that which often causes distress.  I am hopeful that you will step up to the challenge to make this Holiday Season Meaningful!

An Idea For You

Give One, Ask Ten!

A Little Math

Anyone who knows me knows that the math I use must indeed be “little” in order for it to make sense to me!  That being the case I want to share a little multiplication with you.  As you know, I am committed to raising One Million Dollars for the Journey of Hope Grief Support Center, One Dollar at a Time, One Person at a Time!  What does that really look like?  Follow me here:

If 100 people would donate just one dollar a person to the Journey of Hope, that would be $100! Simple enough, right?  Well, what if each of those 100 people asked just ten of their friends to do the same – donate just one dollar? That would be an additional $1,000!  Wow! $100 just grew to $1100 in a jiffy!  Let’s keep going!  What if those new 1000 people each asked just ten of THEIR friends to donate a dollar a person and they did?  That would create an additional $10,000 bringing the grand total to $11,100!  Pretty cool, huh?  OK, let’s continue.  Suppose those new 10,000 folks each asked just ten of THEIR friends to donate just one dollar and they did?  The total number of folks involved would be an additional 100,000 people and an additional $100,000 for a total of $111,100.  Hmmmm!  This is getting interesting!

Now suppose that those 100,000 new donors each asked just ten of their friends to donate just one dollar and they did. At that point, the total number of new participants would be ONE MILLION!  And the total amount donated would be ONE MILLION DOLLARS added to the $111,100 already given!  The goal would have been exceeded!  All of this accomplished in just five generations of people! We could raise $1Million in a relative heartbeat! Amazing!

All it takes is for one hundred people to commit to giving one dollar a piece and asking ten of their friends to duplicate the process of giving one and asking ten!  Think about it won’t you?

In order to donate directly to the One in a Million campaign, please visit the following Journey of Hope website and click on the “One in a Million” fund raiser link.  Fill in “Give One, Ask Ten” in the “Donation for Special Occasion” space.  http://tinyurl.com/n9xdjk 

The fun part of this exercise is that you can do the same for YOUR favorite charity!  Employ the power of the dollar!  Expand the reach of your influence!  Embrace the joy of giving! 

Thank you for being you!

Until next time . . . Peace!

Mark

Copyright Mark E. Hundley 2009

 

Holidays "R" Us!

A few years back, my wife Vanessa and I were called upon to present a session related to Holiday challenges faced by individuals and families.  As we did a little brainstorming about how to address some of the more common Holiday challenges, we decided to create a few "Common Holiday Characters" with which most of us are familiar.  These characters resonated so well with those who attended the session, that we routinely dust them off each Holiday Season as a way to stay in touch with the experiences of our clients throughout the Holidays.

I invite you to read the following cast of characters and see if you can identify with any of the descriptions.  Perhaps, we have nailed the description of some of your family members.  Perhaps even you identify with one of the characters in a personal way.

Ultimately, our purpose in creating these characters is to encourage all of us to examine our expectations and actions related to the Holidays and where/when necessary, make appropriate changes or adjustments.

I hope you enjoy reading and invite your comments or even suggestions for other characters to add to the mix!  Happy Holidays!

HOLIDAYS “R” US!

 

A Cast of Characters

 

Last Minute Louie – This guy believes in delaying everything to the absolute last minute!  Shopping, sending greeting cards, making travel plans, responding to invitations, opening mail with important information or directions, arriving at family gatherings, etc. are all relegated to the back burner!  He does this, at least in part, to avoid various realities that might impact the Holidays – i.e., financial deficits, not enough time, embarrassing changes in his lifestyle or direction, to give himself the appearance of pseudo importance to cover a sense of inadequacy and security and the like.  This approach provides him with a plethora of excuses for not attending certain functions, seeing or not seeing certain individuals, committing to too many events, and the like.  You just never know when/if/where/how Louie might respond or show up!

 

Uncle Ebeneezer – This character takes his expression of displeasure with various aspects of his life away from their true source and displaces those feelings on other, usually unrelated events or people.  These expressions most often appear as anger toward people, activities and events that are safer and less threatening than the real issues with which he struggles.  He becomes the “bah, humbug” of the Holidays.  Often, personal relationships become distressed and strained.  Additionally, work difficulties, chronic agitation, a bitter orientation toward life in general, self-hatred and debilitating depression may result.

 

Charlie Changer – Change for the sake of change is the calling card for old Charlie!  He has a difficult time accepting that parts of people, situations and Holidays change a little each day or each observance.  In order to combat this discomfort with the natural cycle of change, his mission becomes changing everything he can with little or no care for the feelings of others.  He is an all-or-nothing, black-or-white kind of guy.  A new car, a new relationship/girlfriend/spouse, a new job (the best one ever, by the way), a new way of celebrating the Holidays are routine for him.  Things rarely have time to become meaningful – they MUST be changed!

 

Aunt Mini Mizer – This person tends to laugh off past Holiday disasters as being “nothing.” She does not validate the importance or impact of past Holiday events;  therefore, the experiences of others are minimized in the process.  She is the true "Queen of Denial” and seeks to keep unpleasant memories at bay by controlling her feelings about past events or present fears and anxieties.  She also seeks to control the feelings and experiences of other family members as well.  If she successfully reduces Holiday realities to “mere gnats in the soup,” then they can be extracted and cast aside without notice or impact.

 

Hilda Hypochondriac – Keep the smelling salts handy, the Ben-gay in stock and the medical dictionary opened!  Hilda is coming with the latest disease, ache, pain or malady!  She is the one who conveniently passes out almost every Holiday gathering just as the time arrives to do the dishes.  She will tell you about every new exotic germ or bacteria to hit the world as well as others that haven’t yet ~ and she has the all!  In reality, she is likely to be the one in the family that internalizes her distress, feelings of loss or emotional pain and expresses them through real or imagined illnesses.  She has yet to learn that healthy expression of grief can help her heal the feelings that she somaticizes.

 

Busy Aunt Bea – This delightful person is the one who is constantly scurrying around cleaning, filling empty glasses or bowls, dusting, cooking, slicing and dicing everything in sight!  Don’t set your plate or cup down for even a second or she will whisk it away before you can whistle!  Staying busy for busyness sake is the name of her game.  She obtains a certain sense of purpose and identity in what she does.  No one is ever sure whether Aunt Bea ever eats anything because on one ever sees her sit down.  She often arrives four hours early “just to help out a bit” after staying up all night the night before doing last minute baking and cooking.  She is secretly afraid of what might happen to her if she ever slows down to take care of herself.

 

Paula Plastic – Paula is the shopping addict of the bunch!  The more credit cards the merrier!  Why buy just one gift per person when three will do?  Worry about the bills at the end of the month?  Not her!  She is a sucker for the “No payments until June” kind of advertisements that litter the media!  Rampant, unchecked spending is just a way to medicate her feelings of loneliness, loss or insignificance.  Each shopping binge is the next “fix” in this debilitating addiction.  No matter how much she spends or buys, it is never enough!

 

Betty Buffet – This person is the one who just loves the Holidays because of all the wonderful food of the Season!  She is the one who has continual cravings for food.  The cravings are often experienced as a compulsion and she feels no personal power to moderate her eating.  This may be an unconscious attempt to fill an emotional void with food.  Many families have at least one person who fits this description and sometimes, entire families are afflicted by this malady.  Betty can easily become the butt of many cruel jokes and remarks. She might even laugh with those who deride her all the while shriveling on the inside.

 

Uncle Bud Wiser – The funny walk, the lampshade on the head, the clown of the party – the holes in the wall, the angry words, damaged relationships, lost jobs.  Everyone knows that he has a problem with alcohol but no one is willing to approach him about his problem.  Drinking in moderation has no meaning for him.  He is like the proverbial elephant in the living room that no one wishes to acknowledge.  When he passes out on the floor, his family either steps over him and allows him to “rest,” or they put him to bed to let him sleep it off.  Where his usual three cans of beer a day is sufficient during the rest of the year, three six packs a day for the long weekend during the Holidays might be his reward for working so hard the rest of the year.  He deserves to “tie one on and on and on!”  He may be funny – but for how long?

Flighty Freida – The person stays on the move constantly!  She seemingly travels anywhere her heart desires!  Don’t count on her to attend your family gatherings because she might not arrive. Even if she does come home for the Holidays, she is like a humming bird flitting from one conversation to another never lighting long enough to establish any meaningful connections with anyone.  Although she appears to be care free and well adjusted, she may be seeking to avoid some unpleasant feelings or memories connected with family and family gatherings.  If she can just keep moving, she will be ok – it is difficult to hit a moving target!

 

Damper Dave – This character is the family’s altruistic do-gooder and he carries it to a fault.  Reaching out to your brother in need is very healthy and helpful but Dave will seek to make you feel guilty for simply breathing!  Dave’s over dedication to causes may be efforts to assuage his guilt for some real or imagined part he has played in another’s misfortune.  A type of Messiah Complex can develop out of which he may gain a sense of individual worth and meaning.  In the process, he can make life around the family gathering rather uncomfortable.

 

Perfect Pete – Perfection is the name of his game.  He is looking for the perfect meal, the perfect gift, the perfect song, the perfect outfit, the perfect setting, the perfect weather, the PERFECT HOLIDAY!  Unfortunately, not everything is perfect and sets himself up for a big letdown by fostering unrealistic expectations for himself and others in the family.  He will often let others know of his disappointments in an effort to enlist their sympathy and help in ensuring that the next gathering will be flawless.  One tiny blemish on the day and the WHOLE DAY is shot!  His striving for perfection can be a way to avoid facing the day-to-day imperfections and disappointments in life and give him reason to grieve vicariously through setting up impossible situations destined to fail.

 

In Charge Marge – This is the person who is the controller – the one who calls all the shots!  Marge will determine where each person will be seated, who will take pictures, what jobs each will have, etc.  If she is not in charge, she has no meaning or worth.  Challenges to her authority threaten not just the day but her entire existence.  Everyone must play his or her assigned role.  This can be a particularly harrowing experience when one of the family members brings in a new friend or spouse.  The new addition is expected to “know” the rules and is often made to feel inferior or inadequate because they do not.  It then becomes Marge’s job to take the new one aside and school him or her in the intricacies of family ways.  As long as Marge is in control, she doesn’t have to think about the daily struggles and losses she faces.

The Next Installment

I will post another essay next week related to the Holidays that outlines Five Steps to a Meaningful Holiday Season.  In the Meantime, Peace!

Mark

Copyright 1994 By Mark E. Hundley, M.ED., LPC & Vanessa Moore-Hundley, M.ED, LPC