Living in the Meantimes

Changes

October 2010 Newsletter Changes . . .

In This Issue Goodnight Sweet Princess From Out of the Blue! A Change of Seasons A Common Thread Quick Links Register Now News Related Topics More On Us Join Our List

Issue: #4 October/2010 Dear Friends, I fully intended to post the October newsletter earlier this month; however, a series of changes ~ some anticipated and others not ~ created challenges that demanded attention. As this month has progressed I have been reminded once again of the seemingly random yet mysteriously orchestrated paths we travel in this life. I am hopeful that as you read this newsletter, you will find time to contemplate the paths you travel ~ the changes you encounter ~ the possibilities presented to you. Mark Goodnight Sweet Princess . . . . . . And Flights of Angels . . . On Sunday October 10, 2010, my dear, sweet mother-in-law slipped through the thin veil that separates the temporal from the eternal. She was received into her eternal rest after a long and courageous battle with cancer and COPD. A breast cancer survivor, Helen Moore also battled medullary thyroid cancer ~ a type of cancer that does not respond to traditional treatment protocols. She endured multiple surgeries, frequent trips to M.D. Anderson in Houston as well as chemo and radiation therapies. In her final months, COPD took its toll on her body. I don't know of a stronger woman anywhere. Vanessa and I were in the room with her, holding her hands, stroking her cheeks and sharing words of love and comfort as she took her final breath. Those moments were both sad and sweet. It has been said that death is merely the extinguishing of the candle because the dawn has come. That phrase now has a new meaning for me. She is sorely missed! The absence of her presence bears heavily on all who know and love her . . . and yet, she resides only a breath away in the next room. It has also been said that you cannot lose someone when you know where they are. We know where she is and are grateful for the rest she now enjoys. I was honored to officiate at her funeral. At the graveside as we said our final farewells on this side of the veil, I closed with an adaptation of a line from "Hamlet." "Goodnight sweet princess and flights of angels sing thee to thy rest." Thank you, Helen, for honoring our lives with your presence. From Out of the Blue! An Offer I Couldn't Refuse  Change takes us by surprise from time to time ~ often in the midst of other changes that are completely unrelated. That was the case for me this month. While Vanessa and I were dealing with the impending death of her mother ~ working to address all the issues related to that imminent event ~ an unexpected opportunity for change presented itself to me. Was I surprised? Absolutely! I felt as I was a character in one of the "Godfather" movies ~ receiving an "offer I couldn't refuse!" The offer? Well, I was approached about becoming the Director of Boys & Girls Club Family Services Counseling Center in Collin County, TX! It seems that a stand alone non-profit center had approached the Boys & Girls Club of Collin County about absorbing them and providing services under the BGCCC umbrella. Long story made short ~ the acquisition was official in July of this year. When I met with the CEO of BGCCC, I felt as if I was stepping into a script written just for me! I was so anxious to accept that I think I asked "so when do I start" within the first fifteen minutes of our conversation. From out of the Blue! This conversation took place on Monday October 4. Helen died on Sunday October 10. Change within change wrapped up in a larger package of change. Isn't that the life is most of the time? I am so grateful for this unique opportunity. The marriage of the BGCCC and this former stand alone center creates the first  Boys & Girls Club in the country with its own counseling center under its wings. So much potential! So many possibilities! So "out of the blue!" Oh! I failed to mention . . . my commitment to the "Every Step Has a Story" 600 mile walk is fully supported by BGCCC! Yep! I'm still walking ~ and with the blessing and endorsement of my new "boss!" Cool! And on that note, I'll move on to news about the walk! Every Step Has a Story!  A Change of Seasons! As you know, the original date for my 600 mile walk from McKinney, TX to Nashville, TN was scheduled for April 2011. In keeping with the theme of this newsletter, a significant change of plans has occurred related to the "Every Step Has a Story" walk. Instead of the spring of the year, I will be making my trek in the fall of the year instead! The new date for the "Every Step Has a Story . . . a Journey of Hope" walk is now October 2011! This change in schedule actually helps me out in several ways! First, I will have a bit more time to train for the 20 - 25 miles per day I will travel. Second, Lyons Entertainment the company that will make the documentary film of this event, has indicated that the change actually works to our advantage from their perspective in that the new time frame will allow them more time to plan. It also gives them the opportunity to bring in producers that will likely open doors for funding the film and possible distribution through PBS. Obviously, talks continue along these lines, but the possibilities are exciting indeed! Third, pushing the date back allows for more time to secure funding for both the film and walk. Initial contacts have been made with State Farm as a potential sponsor and others are in the works. Fourth, the new date provides more time to recruit and secure sponsors for the "town hall meetings" in each stop along the route ~ the venues where the "Real" stories will be shared by those in attendance. After all, the story of this walk is not about a 50 something bald man from Texas walking 600 miles! It is about providing a platform for children and teens who have experienced the death of a loved one to share their intensely personal journeys in a public forum ~ forum that will hopefully encourage more open conversation about the scope and impact of childhood and adolescent loss issues! Finally, the new date gives me more time to secure corporate sponsors for products and services needed for the project. Last week, I received confirmation that NIKE will provide me with shoes as minimum for this project! All very exciting! So . . . please alter your calendar and mark October 2011 as the new date for Every Step Has a Story . . . a Journey of Hope! New Stories . . .  A Common Thread  On October 7 and 8 I found myself in French Lick, IN at the French Lick Resort participating in the Fall Meeting for the Kentucky - Southern Indiana Northwestern Mutual Financial Services Agency. My topic for this meeting was "Death Benefit Delivery: What Do I Do Now?" Part of the work I do with life insurance and financial services professionals focuses on informed, compassionate and caring delivery of benefits to beneficiary families in the aftermath of the death of an insured loved one. As is often the case, I was available for the remainder of the meeting beyond my presentation which gave me time to visit with individual agents. During the comfort of small group or one-on-one conversations, I routinely hear personal stories from agents. This trip was no different. On this particular trip, I found a common thread in three of the stories that I would like to share with you. The Hole in My Heart ~ Jim (not his real name) was fifteen when his life was altered forever. Coming home from school on a fall afternoon, Jim anticipated a late afternoon game of catch with his father, a local minister. Seeing the family vehicle gone, he assumed that his dad had been called out to perform some ministerial duty. As he walked into the kitchen, his mother said, "I told your father that you would be home soon ~ that he should wait to make the call. It wasn't an emergency after all, but you know your father." Jim indicated that he knew what she meant. Instead of going outside, he decided to lie down on his bed and rest. He went into his room, turned on the radio and stretched out for a quick nap. Living in a small town meant that local news was a big deal. Jim closed his eyes and began listening to the music. At the very moment the DJ broke in with the words, "We have a breaking story," Jim sat bolt upright in bed ~ an eerie sense of impending doom sweeping over him. At some level, he KNEW that the breaking story had something to do with his father. the DJ indicated that there had been a fatality accident on the Interstate and that traffic was backed up in both directions. Jim immediately ran to the kitchen where his mother's face confirmed that they shared matching intuition about the news. Within about 20 minutes, the local sheriff showed up at their house and shared that Jim's dad had indeed been involved in the accident and was pronounced dead at the scene. As I sat across from Jim, his eyes drifted back to a time that created an enormous amount of pain in his life. After a moment' silence he said, "That day tore a hole in my heart that exists even today . . . that experience is why I chose to be in the life insurance business." Someone Make the Dog Stop Barking ~ Tammy (not her real name) picked me up from the airport in Louisville, KY. During the hour drive north to the resort, we had a chance to visit and exchange a few life stories. Tammy is an exceedingly energetic and intelligent young woman ~ articulate, driven, excited about her work! I asked about what attracted her to the life insurance business and she shared her heart. It seems that when Tammy was ten years old, her mother suffered a heart attack early on a Saturday morning. She awoke to the realization that something was not right when the dog would not stop barking. She recalled saying, "Would someone make the dog be quiet please? Please?" She said this several times with no response. She got up out of bed, opened her bedroom door and walked to the railing outside her second story room. As she looked down, she saw her mother being wheeled out on a gurney. Her father spoke not a word as she was left alone in the house ~ confused, dazed, scared. In a few minutes, a neighbor came in and stayed with Tammy until her father returned with the news that her mother had not survived. That news did not make sense ~ it did not sink in! She had difficulty embracing what she was told. She does not remember the funeral. She does not remember the first several months after her mother's death. She indicated that her mother traveled a lot for her job so it was not unusual for her to be gone for days at a time. Tammy shared that almost a year after her mother's death, she awoke on a Saturday morning to the barking of her dog. In that moment, the entire scene from a year before came flooding back and she sat on her bed and wept ~ alone. Tammy shared that although her memories of high school without her mother are sketchy she knows that the experience shaped her life. In fact, she shared that the reason she works in the life insurance business is as a direct result of her mother's death. She runs the "Client Service Center" where "orphan" policy holders (clients who bought a policy from an agent who is no longer in the business) find service, guidance and direction when they have a need related to life insurance. Oh, as part of her work, she helps to process approximately 400 death claims a year . . . My Brother . . . ~ The final story I share today is brief. Frank (not his real name) sat listening to the stories of others in a group and then touched my shoulder. He said, "Let me tell you about my brother. He is why I do what I do today." It seems that when Frank was twelve, his seventeen year old brother was killed in an automobile accident. Frank adored, idolized and worshipped his brother. When he died, Frank was devastated ~ not to mention that his family was crushed as well! Tears welled in Frank's eyes as he worked to recount the experience. He struggled to piece together a sentence that was not punctuated by attempts to swallow back sobs of grief. Finally, Frank gave up. He looked a me and with tears flowing freely down his cheeks, said, "I'm here because of my brother. I don't want what happened to my family after his death happen to other families." With that he ducked his head and wept silently. I put my arm around his shoulder, hugged him tightly and shed a tear of my own. The common thread? All three of these amazing adults chose to invest their hearts, souls and professionalism into a business that addresses the unwanted, the unthinkable, the inevitable as a result of their loss experiences as children or teens. Just three more reasons why "Every Step Has a Story" is so important. Thnank you for reading and sharing this information with friends, family and co-workers! I am hopeful that you will find the information helpful as you negotiate your own personal journey through this life. Be looking for more stories from the road. Until next time . . . Peace! Sincerely, Mark Hundley

Why This? Why Now? Why You?

Greetings Friends,

I am amazed at how quickly time passes these days! Well, it likely does not pass any faster in reality ~ it just seems that way! Perhaps it's my age or the fact that I have no hair or . . . perhaps it's just the fast pace at which we live our lives. Regardless, the months seem to fly by now!

In this issue, I'll share the beginnings of several stories that have touched schools, families and communities in the very recent past. I'll also talk about what's behind Every Step Has a Story, in an effort to add more depth to the event. Exciting updates about potential corporate sponsorships will be addressed and finally we'll highlight an article published by the UNT online alumni magazine related to Good Mourning.

Hope you enjoy this September Edition of our Newsletter!

Mark

New Stories . . . Just Beginning

Ripple Effects Recently I was contacted by an area high school and asked to make a presentation outlining healthy ways to deal with grief. You see, this particular school has experienced multiple death losses in a very short time period ~ both over the summer months and at the beginning of the new school year. As I listened to the explanation of the sequence of events, I found myself wondering just how far the effects of these losses would reach. In my 20 plus years of working with grieving individuals, families and groups I have been reminded over and again that a single death creates ripples that move through families, groups and communities in ways that often defy prediction. Many times, these ripples continue on for years. Imagine the complexity facing the school and community as they work to embrace the impact of the death of two students in separate accidents, children having to deal with the death of a parent in two separate suicide events and the death of one parent who lost a battle with cancer. It is as if someone has taken several pebbles and cast them into a pond, breaking the still surface and sending overlapping ripples in multiple directions at once. The tasks facing the families, school and community are enormous. The stories are just beginning. The outcomes remain in question. The families and groups affected by these losses will need to take each day as it comes. They must find healthy ways to both embrace the pain of grief and express their grief in acts of mourning that help them heal. To borrow from Dr. Alan Wolfelt, I want to share with you the "Six Reconciliation Needs of Mourners." Acknowledge the Reality of the Death Through Mourning Rituals. Move Toward the Pain of the Loss while being Nurtured Physically, Emotionally and Spiritually. Convert the Relationship from one of Presence to one of Memory. Develop a New Self Identity Based on a Life Without the Person Who Died. Relate the Experience of Death to a Context of Meaning. A Continued Supportive Presence in Future Years Although healthy reconciliation of grief is not guaranteed, if those affected by the deaths mentioned earlier will approach their journeys by paying attention to the needs listed above then they have a better chance to heal. Perhaps one day we'll hear from one or more of those just beginning their journey. In the meantime, may we keep them in our thoughts and prayers.

Every Step Has a Story!

Why This? Why Now? Why You?   I can't tell you how many have enthusiastically encouraged me in my 600 mile walking project! Almost without fail, I get a "Wow!" when sharing the details of the event. Then, there are a few who pause, look at me as if I had three eyes and ask, "Now tell me again . . . just WHY are you doing this? And Why NOW of all times?" Let me take each of the questions individually. Why This? ~ Perhaps the best answer for this question is a set of sobering statistics. Often, the simple numbers speak better than any words I can conjure. 1.5 million children will lose one or both parents to death by the age of 15. Over 3.5 to 4 million children under the age of 18 are grieving the loss of a parent. One out of seven children will experience the death of a loved one by the age of ten. 1 out of 5 children have a learning, emotional, or behavioral problem due to the family system changing. Close to 2 million children receive death benefits from a deceased worker. Children of parents who die suddenly are 3 times more likely to develop depression and are at higher risk for post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Children who lose loved ones are 5 times more likely to complete suicide.  Children who lose loved ones are 9 times more likely to drop out of high school. Children who lose loved ones are 10 times more likely to use drugs. Children who lose loved ones are 20 times more at risk for behavioral disorders.  Children who lose loved ones to death are often referred to as "Forgotten Mourners."  Why this walk? I want to raise awareness nationally about the scope and impact of childhood and teen loss. I am convinced that many of the issues with which we struggle have at their root some partially or wholly unreconciled loss or losses. Perhaps this walk will help us all to share more openly about our losses. Why Now? ~ Perhaps this question is best answered by another question . . . Why NOT now? If we waited for the "perfect time" to address an issue, we might wait an entire lifetime. Remember Yoda? Yes, that wise little munchkin said it best when he stated, "Do or Do Not! There is No Try!" I can "try" all I want to ~ think about, plan, mull it over, dream ~ and never move off center. NOW seems to be the best time to Do something of consequence. There are organizations around the world that dedicate their time, resources and energies to assist and support grieving children. What better time than NOW to help bring their all-important work to light? What better time than NOW to give voice to the stories of children, teens and families who struggle to make sense of the senseless? What better time . . . ? Why You? ~ I learned a long time ago that when a need stares me in the face and I say, "I sure wish someone would do something about that," the next thing that happens is that a tiny little voice responds by asking, "Well what's keeping you from doing something?" I often find myself fumbling with weak excuses as to why I can't only to ultimately surrender and begin the process of figuring out what I can do. You see, it's not right to volunteer someone else to address an issue if I'm not willing to do something myself. I'm only doing what any other able-bodied person can do! The story is not in this 57 year old bald cowboy from Texas walking to Tennessee in one month! No sir! The real stories will come from children, teens, families and communities as they have a chance to share their experiences along the way. That little voice did not ask, "Well what's keeping George from doing something about it?" The voice asked "Well what's keeping YOU from doing something?" Thanks Yoda . . . and thanks Voice . . . I can't wait to see what will happen!

Every Step Has a Story!

Corporate Sponsorships In previous communications I have shared that Lyons Entertainment and Black River Media/Films are on board to do the documentary film of this project! In addition, StatGuard Technologies will build and host a website for the walk and team with Sprint to provide 24/7 streaming HD TV quality video of the event. In the process of talking to folks about the project, State Farm Insurance has begun the process of considering underwriting the film and serving as primary sponsor for the walk itself! I am working on contacts with Nike, Coca Cola, Ozarka and others to provide products that will make the walk a bit easier. We are looking for sponsors in other areas as well! If you would like to know more about what we are looking for or have ideas, please feel free to shoot me an email! I'd love to hear from you!

UNT Alumni Publication

Good Mourning Recently, the University of North Texas contacted me to inquire about the second edition of Awaken to Good Mourning. In the process of visiting with them, the conversation focused on the Every Step Has a Story project and well . . . the rest is now history. I would like to invite you to read the wonderful article they wrote entitled, Good Mourning and share it with friends and family. I continue to be amazed at the interest in helping grieving children and teens!

As always, thanks so much for your continued interest and support! I love hearing from you! I am hopeful that you have found the information in this issue of the newsletter both useful and informative.

Take care until next time! Peace!

 

Sincerely,

 

Mark Hundley

Every Step Has a Story: Angie's Story

Every Step Has a Story: Angie's Story

Every Step Has a Story Walk Itinerary April 2011 ~ Every Step Has a Story Itinerary Greenville, TX Sulphur Springs, TX Sulphur Springs, TX (Rest) Mt. Vernon, TX Naples, TX New Boston, TX Texarkana, TX Hope, AR Prescott, AR Prescott, AR (Rest) Arkadelphia, AR Malvern, AR Benton, AR Little Rock, AR Cabot, AR Searcy, AR Searcy, AR (Rest) Wynne, AR Earle, AR Memphis, TN Munford, TN Brownsville, TN Humboldt, TN Humboldt, TN (Rest) Camden, TN Waverly, TN Dickson, TN Fairview, TN Brentwood, TN Nashville, TN Keep looking for updates on  the progress of the walk! I'm excited about the possibilities!

Dear Friends, As promised, I am sharing another story gathered along the way. Angie's story is perhaps more common than we might think~an adolescent thrown into an emotionally charged situation, frantic activity surrounding the event, poorly communicated instructions, assumptions and forgetting that a twelve year-old had been placed in an untenable position. All these and more contributed to a ripple effect of influence that reverberated through years of her life. I am hopeful that you will be both touched and enlightened by Angie's Story. . . Mark Angie's Story Angie timidly entered the room, hesitated, then turned back toward the door as if she intended to leave. Her hand rested on the doorknob as she stood there frozen by an unseen, internal battle. The brief pause allowed just enough time for a young woman already in the room to make her way to Angie, extend her hand in greeting and introduce herself. This unexpected demonstration of support caught Angie by surprise and jarred her from her introspection. The other young woman warmly welcomed Angie to the first session of an open-ended grief therapy group. After a few minutes of interchange, Angie and her new "friend" made their way to the circle. As the group dynamics guided the pace and direction of the initial session, I observed Angie as other group participants shared. She appeared uncomfortable. Often as group members shared, I noticed that  her lower lip quivered. Occasionally, she would nod in agreement with a comment from a group member. Always, she looked from one group member to another as they shared their thoughts, feelings and beliefs. Near the end of the session, Angie suddenly blurted out, "Do I have time to talk?" All eyes turned toward her and the unspoken invitation opened a door in her heart that had been closed a long time. As the door opened and she began to speak, an almost unbelievable transformation took place before our eyes. Instead of the sophisticated 24 year-old woman who walked in earlier, Angie became her twelve year-old self. Her voice noticeably changed in pitch and tone. Her vocabulary reverted to that of an adolescent. Her body posture and language projected that of an insecure, self-conscious pre-teen. I had never before witnessed anything quite like that in my life. I was fascinated to hear her story. Angie shared, in her halting twelve year-old style, how her mother had been ill with cancer since Angie was ten. She told the group that her mother spent many months in the hospital and that only recently had she come home. Equipped with IV drips, a hospital bed and constant nursing care, Angie had her mother home. At one point, Angie paused and drifted back to a scene buried deep in her memory, then continued. She indicated that she believed that her mother had come home to recover~that she would soon be well again. No one bothered to tell her the truth that her mother wanted to spend her final days in the familiarity and comfort of her own family and surroundings. It seems that on the night Angie's mother died, Angie was sitting at her bedside, holding her hand and talking with her. Without warning, Angie's mother began to experience distress. The nurse quickly jumped in to action and began barking orders and making calls. Angie stood and moved to the corner of the room watching in confusion and terror. Then, as quickly as the tranquil scene altered, Angie's mother was gone. As she died, she reached out her hand toward Angie and whispered her name. Although Angie did not want to believe it, she knew in her heart that her mother had died ~ and yet . . . The nurse came into the room and instructed Angie to place her hand under her mother's chin and stay there until she returned. Being the compliant child she was, she did as told. Angie stood there, dutifully holding her hand under her mother's chin to keep her mouth closed until the nurse could return. All the while, Angie spoke in soft whispers, "Don't go, mommy. Please don't go. I love you mommy, please don't go." Angie shared that the nurse apparently forgot her instructions to Angie and she stood there for almost an hour. Finally, her father came in, saw what Angie was doing and scolded her for touching her mother. The next few days and weeks were a blur for her, but the message was clear ~ at least to her. She had somehow done something wrong; she was not to talk about what had happened in that room; she was to pick herself up and go on with life . . . period. Members of the group that night expressed words of comfort, reassurance and support and slowly Angie returned to her 24 year-old self. I was afraid that Angie might not return after such a traumatic re-visiting of the death scene; however, she came the next week and then the week after that. Slowly, the group witnessed a transformation in Angie. Each week, she spent less and less time in her 12 year-old self and more in her present day self. As she talked openly  each week about the effects her mother's death had had on her through the years, she grew stronger, more self-confident and in touch with herself and others. When the group decided that it was time to terminate groups sessions, Angie took a few minutes during the final session to express her thanks to her fellow companions in the group for their sincere love, respect and support. I watched, a tear streaming down my cheek, as each group member hugged and promised to stay in touch. I don't know where Angie is now or how she is doing, but I have to believe that as a result of the powerful work done in that group, she has been able to construct a life of her own making. One not dominated by false guilt and shame, but a life guided by a secure self-awareness that healing comes through sharing. Angie touched my life and reminded me of the importance of being open, honest and supportive to children of all ages when they face the death of a loved one. Angie is one of my heroes. I am forever indebted to her for her demonstration of courage and determination. Angie was able to meet herself at the point of her deepest pain and take the necessary journey to healing through learning to mourn in healthy ways. May we all learn from Angie. Thank you for taking the time to read Angie's story. I am hopeful that you will pass it on to friends and family if you see fit. We are all together in this thing called life and need one another in order to make it through from time to time. Until next time . . . Peace!   Sincerely,   Mark Hundley Awaken Associates

Every Step Has a Story

Dear Friends,

I am often amazed at how rapidly life changes ~ how quickly the landscape in which we live alters around us! Since the last newsletter, so many exciting things have happened! I am anxious to share them with you and ask that you consider passing the newsletter along to friends and family members you think might find the news as exciting as I!

Here goes!

Mark

McKinney, TX to Nashville, TN~600 Miles/Thirty Days         

As you know from last month's newsletter, I've had one of those "crazy ideas" again! The Every Step Has a Story project I told you about is taking on a life of its own! I would never have dreamed that so much could happen in such a short time, but it has!

On April 1, 2011, I will depart McKinney, TX, headed for Nashville, TN ~ a 600 mile hike ~ averaging 20 to 25 miles per day. My plans are to complete this task on Saturday April 30, 2011! What would compel a 57 year old bald guy to take on such a project? Glad you asked!

Essentially, my passion to provide support for grieving children, adolescents and families drives me to pursue this task. Following are the three goals I have for this project:

• To raise awareness of the scope and impact of childhood and adolescent grief on a national level.
• To highlight organizations around our country that work to provide support for grieving children and families.
• To raise awareness of and funds for the Journey of Hope Grief Support Center regionally in the North Texas  area.

Now I must confess that as I contemplated sharing this idea with others, I thought I would be met with skepticism or discouragement. To my elation, the opposite has been the case! Without exception, everyone who has listened to the details of this project has been extremely excited and supportive!

In order to accomplish the goals listed above, part of the overall plan includes a town hall type meeting at each stop along the way where I will share my story and collect stories from those in attendance; media coverage ~ nationally, regionally and locally; capturing the walk on video so that a documentary film can be made; ancillary events that will support the primary stated goals of the project just to name a few. A group of volunteers has emerged to help me plan, promote and produce this event! There is no way I can accomplish this on my own.

In the brief time since the last newsletter, the following has happened:

• I was put in touch with two amazing men who will help coordinate and produce the documentary film. David Lyons of Lyons Entertainment and Travis Shortt of Black River Media/Films have latched on to this project with a fierce passion of their own! I am so excited!
• Travis Shortt has volunteered his Public Relations expertise to help promote this project.
• StatGuard Technologies will provide the technology to host and monitor a dedicated website for the walk that will allow 24/7 live streaming video of the event so that folks from anywhere can follow the progress.
• In partnership with StatGuard, Sprint has signed on as a sponsor to provide the phones and related technology to access and upload the video to the site!

I could go on and on, but for now, these  developments will suffice. I will update our progress with periodic emails so be on the lookout!

The First of Many to Come . . .

Donna's Story Between now and April 2011, I will be sharing stories from folks who have experienced the death of a loved one where children or adolescents were directly involved or affected. My intent is to reveal the extent to which children, adolescents and families are touched by the death of loved ones. Often, the stories will reveal positive outcomes. At other times, the realities of of life will find expression in hope unfulfilled. I'm hopeful that you will find this segment in each newsletter and email to be helpful in some way. A little over twenty years ago, I met Donna one day while working out at the YMCA in Plano, TX. I had just completed my first marathon to raise funds for a memorial scholarship in Christy's memory and honor at the University of North Texas. The local YMCA supported my efforts and in the process, posted my picture. Donna recognized me and we began to talk about her experience. Donna shared the following: "You know, Mark, I just celebrated my fortieth birthday yesterday. As exciting as that should have been, I was sad deep down inside." I asked her why and she continued, "Well, I was reminded that twenty-two years ago when I was eighteen, my mother died from breast cancer. I will never forget how empty and lost I felt, but that was not the worst of it all. I was the eldest of six children, the youngest being six. I will never forget the afternoon after my mother's funeral when my dad came into the room and addressed all of us kids. He said 'Your mother is dead. We will grieve for the next two weeks and then we have to get on with life. There is just too much to do to grieve any longer.'" She shared further. "Being the eldest and a female, I took on many responsibilities for raising my younger siblings. I graduated from high school but delayed going to college because there was just too much to do . . . and it was my job to see that all was done the way it needed to be done." I remember her eyes trailing off to some place in her distant past as tears formed in her eyes. She said, "Mark, I have been two weeks into my grief for twenty-two years now. What do I do to start healing?" Donna's courageous sharing of her story that day started her down her own personal path to healing and grief reconciliation. Sharing one's story ~ as often as needed ~ is just one way to begin the process of healing.

Speaking of Speaking . . .

On the Road I have been privileged to speak to many groups recently. In March, I traveled to Las Vegas to present a session on the "Compassionate Delivery of Death Benefits" to a group of life insurance professionals at the annual Life Agency Management Program. In May, I conducted a workshop with the Collin College Counseling Department addressing the "Integration Model of the Grief Process and a New Approach to Grief Counseling." Early July found me in Denton at the UNT Center for Counseling and Human Development spending time with some graduate counseling students and supervising professors talking about the "Integration Model of the Grief Process." The coming months will find me in the following places: September 15 & 16, 2010 ~ Mountain View, CA ~ Cusimano Family Colonial Mortuary ~ Conducting an evening session for the community and a professional development session the next day for counseling, health care, clergy & grief support professionals. October 7, 2010 ~ French Lick, IN (north of Louisville, KY) ~ Northwestern Mutual Agency Meeting ~ "Death Benefit Delivery: What Do I Do Now?" January 2011 ~ Collin County Council on Family Violence, Plano, TX ~ "The Specter of Disenfranchised Grief in Domestic Violence." I would love to speak in your community. In conjunction with the "Every Step Has a Story" event, I will speak to groups about the principles that drive such an effort and how those principles can infuse any business, educational institution, church or civic organization with renewed determination to move forward in tough times.

Awaken to Good Mourning ~ Bulk Purchase Discounts

Many groups and organizations have contacted me asking about bulk purchase discounts for Awaken to Good Mourning. Funeral homes, churches, life insurance agencies, colleges and others have discovered the value of having Awaken to Good Mourning available for their clients and members. Awaken Associates will offer the deepest bulk purchase discount on Awaken to Good Mourning to any individual or group through August 2010. Whether you purchase two or two hundred copies, the per copy prices will be $8. Contact us today for details. Our Price: $8.00 List Price:  $15.95 S & H: Included

Who Is YOUR Earl?

When You Least Expect It!

My experience tells me that often the most dynamic gifts arrive when we least expect them!  They come in the form of surprise letters or cards; unanticipated recognitions; unexpected visits from friends; out of the blue phone calls; heartfelt compliments; and television programs!  WHOA! SAY WHAT? TELEVISION PROGRAMS! You read correctly! Television programs!

A few years back, I quickly became hooked on a new series on TNT starring Holly Hunter entitled, "Saving Grace!"  Now I must admit right here and now that the original reason I even decided to watch yet another new show was because of Ms. Hunter!  You see, I've always had a huge crush on her!  There!  My secret is out!  I'm a huge Holly Hunter fan!  She plays a hard living, push-the-envelope, driven, passionate and deeply caring detective based in Oklahoma City!

Now as much as I like Holly Hunter and the in-your-face pace of the show, my absolute favorite character took me completely by surprise!  I will always remember the first time I saw . . . Earl!

Who is Earl You Ask?

At a particularly critical moment in the life of Holly Hunter's character, Earl shows up with an offer of assistance.  And he does so in such a quietly powerful way, one can't help but be drawn to him. 

Now Earl, it seems, is an angel!  That's right, an ANGEL!  I can tell you for sure that he certainly does not fit the description of any angel I've ever read or seen, but he's an angel all the same.  He is a slow-talking, laid back, normal looking guy with an uncommonly down-to-earth sense of humor.  He is enigmatic in so many ways.  Warm, intelligent, unassuming, intense, passionate, insightful, duty-bound, completely committed to his task and a bit mysterious to boot!  He's been known to down a few brews, hang out in bars, sneak into prison cells, hover near tragedies, disappear in a flash of light, show up when least expected, play tricks on folks, leave tantalizing clues and encourage engagement with life.

Earl is the kind of angel I'd want on my team when faced with the meantimes of life ~ Absolutely!  I just LOVE Earl!

A Touch of the Unexpected!

After the very first episode, I became a sort of evangelist for the show!  I was telling everyone I knew about it!  As far as I was concerned, it was GREAT television!  The more folks I told, the more became fans like I was.

Now one particular friend started watching only after repeated heavy-handed encouragements to do so!  She finally gave in and said, "OK!  If you'll leave me alone, I'll watch it! Geez!"  I was excited!  Told her so and went as far as to predict that she would LOVE the show!  And . . . she DID!  We began comparing notes after each episode!  We were having a blast!

Then came the unexpected!  One day while we were having a cup of coffee, she looked at me and said, "Mark.  YOU are MY Earl!"  That statement took me completely by surprise, mind you!

"What did you say?"  I wasn't sure I had heard her correctly.

"I said, 'YOU are MY Earl!'"  Yep! I HAD heard her correctly.  Immediately a funny feeling began stirring in the pit of my stomach.

"What do you mean, exactly? I asked.

She said, "You are my Earl!  Just like Holly Hunter's Earl, you make me want to be my best!  You make me want live a better life . . . be a better person . . . be more compassionate and caring!  You are my Earl!"

I was blown away!  I was a bit embarrassed.  I'm sure I blushed.  I KNOW that tears filled my eyes!  After a few moments of stunned silence, I responded.  "That may just be the most meaningful and moving compliment I have ever received!  Thank you so very much!"

"Well, it's true!  You are," she said.  "I'm not kidding!"  And she wasn't!  I, on the other hand, was feeling woefully inadequate at the moment.

She went on to say, "You are likely Earl for many more people!"  That statement iced the cake!  I was really uncomfortable.

We went our separate ways after coffee that morning, but the impact of that statement began worming its way into my spirit.  It caused me to stop and take a really hard look at myself.  I know me!  I'm no Earl!  I'm not an angel!  I'm flawed and filled with shortcomings!  I make mistakes -- ALL THE TIME!  The only thing I perfect is the art of being IMperfect!  Regardless, that statement created a change in my life that continues to weave its way into the core of my being.

Who is YOUR Earl?

I figure that we all have our "Earls" in life -- those folks who touch us in ways that make us want to be better, do better, live better!  What would life be without personal "angels" sent into our lives at specific times for specific purposes?  As I write this, I am keenly aware of all the Earls in MY life through the years -- people who have loved me, nurtured me, cared for me, encouraged me, counseled me, admonished me, taught me, lifted me up!  There is no way on God's green earth I would be who I am today without those "Earls" in my life and for them, I am eternally  grateful!

I pose a question as a result of this experience in my life -- "Who is YOUR Earl?"  Who in your life inspires you to be your best, give your best, pursue your dreams, believe  in yourself, acknowledge your worth, reach out to others and make a difference?  See?  We all have our Earls!  Everyone of us!  I bet that long before I even asked the question, you were already thinking about  your Earl! 

I pose a second question ~ when is the last time you told your Earl, "Thank You" for all he or she means to you?  Perhaps you never have told him or her how much you appreciate the impact they have made on your life.  That being the case, what's keeping you from picking up the phone right now and telling them that they are your Earl?  I challenge you to act this minute!  Make an effort to call, write or drop by!  Tell them, "You are my Earl and I thank you for it!"  I can guarantee an amazing experience!

One Final Question

I am convinced that lives intertwine on this earth for purposes that reach far beyond our comprehension.  As I close this essay, I have one more question for you.  Whose Earl are YOU?

You see, we all have folks who look to us for support, encouragement, counsel, love, guidance and inspiration.  We may not be aware of just how many follow our words and actions ~ seek to emulate our values ~ strive to duplicate our achievements.  I am hopeful that this question causes you to reflect and work to bolster who YOU are as a person!  I know how much this experience has caused me to be more cognizant of how I live.

I'm hopeful that we can all take a moment each day and determine to live as completely as possible so that our lives will reflect an uncommon light for all to see.

Hey Earl!  Are you with us?

Until next time . . . Peace!

Mark

Copyright 2009 Mark E. Hundley

Revisiting Memorial Day Reflections

Re-posted by Popular Demand!

Last year about this time, I posted the following essay related to Memorial Day.  So many have commented on this essay, asking if I would re-post it for this year -- 2009.  I am glad to do so!  After the events of this past twelve months, I am even more indebted to the powerful influence, sacrifice and devotion of those who serve our country in the military!  I hope the following words will cause you to reflect on the heroes in your life as well!

Memorial Day Reflections -- 2008

I sat this morning in the quiet of my study reflecting on two men who have had a tremendous impact on my life -- men who served our Country during WWII.  Men who worked hard; gave their best: faced hardship beyond my imagination; experienced isolation, loneliness and desperation; and -- lived to return home to loved ones and touch my life.

My grandfather, Aldon Edwards, fought in the Army in Europe during the Battle of the Bulge.  He was wounded and taken prisoner by the German army.  Fortunately for my family, he survived the P.O.W. camp and came home.  Although he rarely spoke of his experiences there, the one story I will always remember is the one about the day his camp was liberated by U.S. Army soldiers.  It seems that during his captivity, the German guard assigned to his group would routinely "turn his back" while my grandfather and the other captives, secreted extra potatoes into their pockets so that they would not starve -- a truly humane and human thing to do -- risky for him as well, I might add.  On the day liberation came, the American soldiers approached my grandfather's group and asked how they had been treated during captivity.  To a man, they all commended their captor/guard for the kindness extended to them.  The German guard was so overwhelmed with gratitude that he literally fell to the ground and kissed the feet of each former American P.O.W. under his care and watch.  Every time my grandfather mentioned that moment, I noticed tears rim his eyelids without falling.  My grandfather has been gone now since 1980, but I will always remember his story -- but more importantly, his life.  His quiet strength instilled in me a desire to be a difference maker.  I miss him.

The other man is my uncle, Cleatus Lebow.  As a young man -- barely 18 years of age -- he was drafted into the Navy and ultimately found himself assigned to the U.S.S. Indianapolis -- the ship about which much has been written and portrayed in film and television.  I was a teen when he joined our family by marriage and the significance of his ordeal at sea was lost on me somehow.  I guess I was too focused on the Viet Nam war and the scary possibility that I too would be drafted -- too focused to understand the gravity of his service.

Not until much later as an adult did I truly begin to understand the importance of what he experienced.  He is a quiet, unassuming man -- gentle in nature and kind to the core.  The fact that he survived physically is amazing -- the fact that he has survived emotionally is a miracle!  If you don't know much about the events surrounding the U.S.S. Indianapolis I invite you to buy a couple of books -- Ordeal at Sea by Thomas Helm and Only 317 Survived! written by the survivors of this tragedy.  You can also google the U.S.S. Indianapolis for information -- while you're at it, google my uncle, Cleatus Lebow.  I think you will be amazed by what you read.

Regardless, as I sat this morning re-reading some of the pages of his my uncle's story, I was overwhelmed by a sense of gratitude for the service and sacrifice of so many through the years!  Without the brave service of men and women in our Armed Forces, we would not have the freedoms we enjoy -- and often take for granted -- today!  I am grateful for those freedoms and even more grateful that I have been touched so intimately by two heroes.

Recently, I was asked to be a part of the upcoming 48th U.S.S. Indianapolis survivors reunion on August 1 of this year.  I will have the honor of addressing this distinguished group of heroes in the opening session with a presentation entitled, Believe in the Journey. I am humbled to be a part of this solemn celebration of legacy leaving and look forward to shaking the hand of each of the 76 remaining survivors -- at least those are are physically able to make the trip.  I have no doubt that I will come away a better person for the experience!

War is indeed one of the most cruel and heartless of "mean times" our world faces.  Our Nation is engaged in perhaps one of the cruelest in history.  Many who read this have sons and daughters in harm's way as I write.  Some have returned with broken bodies, broken spirits, broken minds.  Some have returned physically whole yet forever changed from the experiences of battle.  Today, men and women fight -- lay their lives on the line -- in order to assure freedom for all people.  Regardless of your or my opinion of the war -- of ANY war -- the brave men and women who stand in our stead deserve our honor, support and prayers.

On this Memorial Day, my question is this: Who do you know who has a son, a daughter, a father or mother serving in danger?  Make note of those people right now and make a call; drop by the house; send an email; mail a card; give a hug; offer a prayer.  You may be one of those with a loved one fulfilling his or her duty.  Please know that I think of you today.

Perhaps one day, the hatred will cease; the fighting will subside; the killing will stop; the horror will fade.  Until such time, let us pause to remember, give thanks and be part of the solution.  WE help one another "live in the meantimes!"

Peace!

Mark Hundley

Copyright 2008 Mark E. Hundley

P.S. ~ I did indeed speak to that distinguished group of WWII heroes last summer and . . . well . . . I am change forever!  Period!