Living in the Meantimes

Changes

October 2010 Newsletter Changes . . .

In This Issue Goodnight Sweet Princess From Out of the Blue! A Change of Seasons A Common Thread Quick Links Register Now News Related Topics More On Us Join Our List

Issue: #4 October/2010 Dear Friends, I fully intended to post the October newsletter earlier this month; however, a series of changes ~ some anticipated and others not ~ created challenges that demanded attention. As this month has progressed I have been reminded once again of the seemingly random yet mysteriously orchestrated paths we travel in this life. I am hopeful that as you read this newsletter, you will find time to contemplate the paths you travel ~ the changes you encounter ~ the possibilities presented to you. Mark Goodnight Sweet Princess . . . . . . And Flights of Angels . . . On Sunday October 10, 2010, my dear, sweet mother-in-law slipped through the thin veil that separates the temporal from the eternal. She was received into her eternal rest after a long and courageous battle with cancer and COPD. A breast cancer survivor, Helen Moore also battled medullary thyroid cancer ~ a type of cancer that does not respond to traditional treatment protocols. She endured multiple surgeries, frequent trips to M.D. Anderson in Houston as well as chemo and radiation therapies. In her final months, COPD took its toll on her body. I don't know of a stronger woman anywhere. Vanessa and I were in the room with her, holding her hands, stroking her cheeks and sharing words of love and comfort as she took her final breath. Those moments were both sad and sweet. It has been said that death is merely the extinguishing of the candle because the dawn has come. That phrase now has a new meaning for me. She is sorely missed! The absence of her presence bears heavily on all who know and love her . . . and yet, she resides only a breath away in the next room. It has also been said that you cannot lose someone when you know where they are. We know where she is and are grateful for the rest she now enjoys. I was honored to officiate at her funeral. At the graveside as we said our final farewells on this side of the veil, I closed with an adaptation of a line from "Hamlet." "Goodnight sweet princess and flights of angels sing thee to thy rest." Thank you, Helen, for honoring our lives with your presence. From Out of the Blue! An Offer I Couldn't Refuse  Change takes us by surprise from time to time ~ often in the midst of other changes that are completely unrelated. That was the case for me this month. While Vanessa and I were dealing with the impending death of her mother ~ working to address all the issues related to that imminent event ~ an unexpected opportunity for change presented itself to me. Was I surprised? Absolutely! I felt as I was a character in one of the "Godfather" movies ~ receiving an "offer I couldn't refuse!" The offer? Well, I was approached about becoming the Director of Boys & Girls Club Family Services Counseling Center in Collin County, TX! It seems that a stand alone non-profit center had approached the Boys & Girls Club of Collin County about absorbing them and providing services under the BGCCC umbrella. Long story made short ~ the acquisition was official in July of this year. When I met with the CEO of BGCCC, I felt as if I was stepping into a script written just for me! I was so anxious to accept that I think I asked "so when do I start" within the first fifteen minutes of our conversation. From out of the Blue! This conversation took place on Monday October 4. Helen died on Sunday October 10. Change within change wrapped up in a larger package of change. Isn't that the life is most of the time? I am so grateful for this unique opportunity. The marriage of the BGCCC and this former stand alone center creates the first  Boys & Girls Club in the country with its own counseling center under its wings. So much potential! So many possibilities! So "out of the blue!" Oh! I failed to mention . . . my commitment to the "Every Step Has a Story" 600 mile walk is fully supported by BGCCC! Yep! I'm still walking ~ and with the blessing and endorsement of my new "boss!" Cool! And on that note, I'll move on to news about the walk! Every Step Has a Story!  A Change of Seasons! As you know, the original date for my 600 mile walk from McKinney, TX to Nashville, TN was scheduled for April 2011. In keeping with the theme of this newsletter, a significant change of plans has occurred related to the "Every Step Has a Story" walk. Instead of the spring of the year, I will be making my trek in the fall of the year instead! The new date for the "Every Step Has a Story . . . a Journey of Hope" walk is now October 2011! This change in schedule actually helps me out in several ways! First, I will have a bit more time to train for the 20 - 25 miles per day I will travel. Second, Lyons Entertainment the company that will make the documentary film of this event, has indicated that the change actually works to our advantage from their perspective in that the new time frame will allow them more time to plan. It also gives them the opportunity to bring in producers that will likely open doors for funding the film and possible distribution through PBS. Obviously, talks continue along these lines, but the possibilities are exciting indeed! Third, pushing the date back allows for more time to secure funding for both the film and walk. Initial contacts have been made with State Farm as a potential sponsor and others are in the works. Fourth, the new date provides more time to recruit and secure sponsors for the "town hall meetings" in each stop along the route ~ the venues where the "Real" stories will be shared by those in attendance. After all, the story of this walk is not about a 50 something bald man from Texas walking 600 miles! It is about providing a platform for children and teens who have experienced the death of a loved one to share their intensely personal journeys in a public forum ~ forum that will hopefully encourage more open conversation about the scope and impact of childhood and adolescent loss issues! Finally, the new date gives me more time to secure corporate sponsors for products and services needed for the project. Last week, I received confirmation that NIKE will provide me with shoes as minimum for this project! All very exciting! So . . . please alter your calendar and mark October 2011 as the new date for Every Step Has a Story . . . a Journey of Hope! New Stories . . .  A Common Thread  On October 7 and 8 I found myself in French Lick, IN at the French Lick Resort participating in the Fall Meeting for the Kentucky - Southern Indiana Northwestern Mutual Financial Services Agency. My topic for this meeting was "Death Benefit Delivery: What Do I Do Now?" Part of the work I do with life insurance and financial services professionals focuses on informed, compassionate and caring delivery of benefits to beneficiary families in the aftermath of the death of an insured loved one. As is often the case, I was available for the remainder of the meeting beyond my presentation which gave me time to visit with individual agents. During the comfort of small group or one-on-one conversations, I routinely hear personal stories from agents. This trip was no different. On this particular trip, I found a common thread in three of the stories that I would like to share with you. The Hole in My Heart ~ Jim (not his real name) was fifteen when his life was altered forever. Coming home from school on a fall afternoon, Jim anticipated a late afternoon game of catch with his father, a local minister. Seeing the family vehicle gone, he assumed that his dad had been called out to perform some ministerial duty. As he walked into the kitchen, his mother said, "I told your father that you would be home soon ~ that he should wait to make the call. It wasn't an emergency after all, but you know your father." Jim indicated that he knew what she meant. Instead of going outside, he decided to lie down on his bed and rest. He went into his room, turned on the radio and stretched out for a quick nap. Living in a small town meant that local news was a big deal. Jim closed his eyes and began listening to the music. At the very moment the DJ broke in with the words, "We have a breaking story," Jim sat bolt upright in bed ~ an eerie sense of impending doom sweeping over him. At some level, he KNEW that the breaking story had something to do with his father. the DJ indicated that there had been a fatality accident on the Interstate and that traffic was backed up in both directions. Jim immediately ran to the kitchen where his mother's face confirmed that they shared matching intuition about the news. Within about 20 minutes, the local sheriff showed up at their house and shared that Jim's dad had indeed been involved in the accident and was pronounced dead at the scene. As I sat across from Jim, his eyes drifted back to a time that created an enormous amount of pain in his life. After a moment' silence he said, "That day tore a hole in my heart that exists even today . . . that experience is why I chose to be in the life insurance business." Someone Make the Dog Stop Barking ~ Tammy (not her real name) picked me up from the airport in Louisville, KY. During the hour drive north to the resort, we had a chance to visit and exchange a few life stories. Tammy is an exceedingly energetic and intelligent young woman ~ articulate, driven, excited about her work! I asked about what attracted her to the life insurance business and she shared her heart. It seems that when Tammy was ten years old, her mother suffered a heart attack early on a Saturday morning. She awoke to the realization that something was not right when the dog would not stop barking. She recalled saying, "Would someone make the dog be quiet please? Please?" She said this several times with no response. She got up out of bed, opened her bedroom door and walked to the railing outside her second story room. As she looked down, she saw her mother being wheeled out on a gurney. Her father spoke not a word as she was left alone in the house ~ confused, dazed, scared. In a few minutes, a neighbor came in and stayed with Tammy until her father returned with the news that her mother had not survived. That news did not make sense ~ it did not sink in! She had difficulty embracing what she was told. She does not remember the funeral. She does not remember the first several months after her mother's death. She indicated that her mother traveled a lot for her job so it was not unusual for her to be gone for days at a time. Tammy shared that almost a year after her mother's death, she awoke on a Saturday morning to the barking of her dog. In that moment, the entire scene from a year before came flooding back and she sat on her bed and wept ~ alone. Tammy shared that although her memories of high school without her mother are sketchy she knows that the experience shaped her life. In fact, she shared that the reason she works in the life insurance business is as a direct result of her mother's death. She runs the "Client Service Center" where "orphan" policy holders (clients who bought a policy from an agent who is no longer in the business) find service, guidance and direction when they have a need related to life insurance. Oh, as part of her work, she helps to process approximately 400 death claims a year . . . My Brother . . . ~ The final story I share today is brief. Frank (not his real name) sat listening to the stories of others in a group and then touched my shoulder. He said, "Let me tell you about my brother. He is why I do what I do today." It seems that when Frank was twelve, his seventeen year old brother was killed in an automobile accident. Frank adored, idolized and worshipped his brother. When he died, Frank was devastated ~ not to mention that his family was crushed as well! Tears welled in Frank's eyes as he worked to recount the experience. He struggled to piece together a sentence that was not punctuated by attempts to swallow back sobs of grief. Finally, Frank gave up. He looked a me and with tears flowing freely down his cheeks, said, "I'm here because of my brother. I don't want what happened to my family after his death happen to other families." With that he ducked his head and wept silently. I put my arm around his shoulder, hugged him tightly and shed a tear of my own. The common thread? All three of these amazing adults chose to invest their hearts, souls and professionalism into a business that addresses the unwanted, the unthinkable, the inevitable as a result of their loss experiences as children or teens. Just three more reasons why "Every Step Has a Story" is so important. Thnank you for reading and sharing this information with friends, family and co-workers! I am hopeful that you will find the information helpful as you negotiate your own personal journey through this life. Be looking for more stories from the road. Until next time . . . Peace! Sincerely, Mark Hundley

Every Step Has a Story: The Saga of Sydney and Edwin

Every Step Has a Story: The Saga of Sydney and Edwin

Good Mourning UNT! Recently, the University of North Texas online alumni newsletter published a story about Awaken to Good Mourning and Every Step Has a Story. I was honored and pleased with the wonderful job they did! You are invited to read the article entitled Good Mourning and then share the link with friends and family. Speaking Update I recently spent a couple of days in Mountain View, CA hosted by the Cusimano Family Colonial Mortuary for two sessions ~ one in the evening for the community and a second the next morning for professionals in the helping professions. The experience was one I will never forget! From the beautiful weather to the beautiful people I met, it was just amazing! Thanks to Sherri and Matt Cusimano for hosting me for these events! On October 7 & 8, I will be in French Lick, IN ~ about an hour north of Louisville, KY ~ speaking to a Northwestern Mutual Life Insurance agency on the subject of Death Benefit Delivery. I'm looking forward to this trip and will share details in the October newsletter. Stories Needed If you have a story of related to personal loss that you would like to share in this forum, please send them to me @ [email protected] I would be honored to make them a part of this ongoing series of stories. Walk Update Look for updated details about the walk from McKinney, TX to Nashville, TN in the October newsletter.

Dear Friends, The story I share with you today is a bit different from the previous ones ~ perhaps a bit more unusual. I am hopeful that your will find comfort, encouragement and insight into this journey of grief we all must take at one time or another. If this story helps you in any way, please share it with friends and family members. Thank you. Mark Every Step Has a Story: The Saga of Sydney and Edwin The story of Sydney and Edwin begins in the spring of 1956 ~ a time when the loss of a baby was often downplayed; especially if the loss was a stillbirth. The practices and protocols found in many hospitals today designed to assist grieving parents and families to embrace the pain of their loss did not exist then. Perhaps if they had, some of the outcomes of this story would have been different. Edwin was approaching his third birthday in 1956. He lived with his parents in the Texas High Plains city of Lubbock ~ home to red dirt, relentless wind, tabletop-like landscapes and the Texas Tech Red Raiders. Edwin to this day ~ some fifty years later ~ retains many memories of his brief stay there. He fondly recalls his pet boxer, his best friend (who happened to be a girl), riding his tricycle down the wide street on which he lived and playing "drums" on his mother's pots and pans in the middle of the kitchen floor. In contrast, he remembers the terror of seeing a black tornado looming over the city, the discovery of a brightly colored snake under a rock in his front yard and the day he attempted to fly his new balsa wood glider in the middle of a howling sand storm. He also remembers . . . the day he was first touched by the tragedy of death. You see, Edwin's family was expecting an addition to the family. He was hoping for a brother! In the days prior to the anticipated delivery date, there was an air of expectation. Telephone calls daily, frequent visits from friends and family members and talk of the new baby to come became the routine to which he grew accustomed. The day finally arrived when his mother went to the hospital. Edwin could hardly wait! He would soon have a baby brother or sister to play with ~ he really, really hoped for that brother! Today when Edwin recounts the events as he recalls them, a tinge of sadness still hangs in his speech. Of all the memories of the day his mother came home from the hospital, the one that affected him the most was the realization that no baby accompanied her when she walked through the door. Edwin was confused. The house characterized by the electricity of anticipation suddenly fell silent. Smiles were replaced by tears and sadness. Confusion filled Edwin's little heart and mind. Many times, Edwin recalls that the adults would cease their conversation whenever he entered the room. At some level, Edwin recounts that he felt as if he had done something wrong ~ something about which no one would speak. Eventually, he asked about the baby. To the best of his memory, he was told that Sydney had been stillborn ~ that he was not alive ~ that Edwin would not have a brother. "Stillborn?" What did that mean? All he knew was that it meant he had a brother named Sydney but didn't really have him because he was "stillborn" and could not be at home. He did his best to accept it and through the years he ventured to ask questions from time to time. Eventually, "stillborn" made sense and he understood what had happened. There were other questions swimming around in his mind, but he can't remember asking them. Edwin struggled with Sydney's absence as he grew. Perhaps this experience caused Edwin to develop a keen sensitivity to the emotions of others because he often felt compelled to reach out to people when he sensed their sadness. Growing up, Edwin was exposed to the deaths of many children ~ saw how those deaths affected the parents and siblings ~ contemplated how Sydney's absence had affected him and his family. He often recalls the family in Galveston that lost their sons in a swimming accident; and the death a twelve year old friend; he remembers the deaths of high school and college friends; he remembers and wonders. Wonders how all those families made it through. In college in the early to mid-70's, Edwin's interest in death, loss and grief grew. This interest dictated a major in sociology and minor in psychology followed by over a decade of youth and family ministry. Based on his interest in and study of loss and grief, Edwin felt that he had a pretty good handle on those subjects ~ that is, until he realized he didn't. In early 1989 ~ almost 33 years after the stillbirth of Sydney ~ Edwin came face-to-face with another devastating death loss. On a very normal day ~ a day much like the one in the spring of 1956 ~ Edwin suddenly found himself the single father of a young daughter when his wife of 12.5 years died as a result of injuries she received in an automobile accident. Once again, Edwin was faced with unanswerable questions, confused perspectives and life-altering consequences. What did Edwin do? He did the best he could to embrace the reality of loss, experience the pains of grief, find healing through mourning and begin rebuilding a new life. Eventually, Edwin remarried and found himself in grad school for counseling. About four years into this new marriage, he and his wife visited her daughter on a parent's weekend at Texas Tech in Lubbock. While there, the memories of Sydney flooded Edwin's heart and mind. He contacted his parents to gather information about Sydney. He found his old house. He found a quiet space . . . he remembered . . . he cried. He realized that from the day Sydney died, he had been on a journey ~ a journey punctuated by exposure to the deepest pain human beings can experience - that of losing a loved one to death. Edwin was and is still, deeply involved with work in the field of loss and grief ~ not as a result of his personal losses for he does not believe that such experiences happen in order to move us in specific directions. Rather, Edwin finds himself involved in the field as a result of his choices and decisions in the aftermath of such experiences. Edwin's journey began at age three. He wrote a portion of this journey in a short story entitled "The Journey." An excerpt follows: "Sydney - my brother who never was!  The blessed addition to our family back in 1956 that was never added.  The one about whom our family rarely spoke after the day he was stillborn.  All my life, I had wondered about Sydney - about what it would have been like to have a younger brother.  In the years following that family tragedy, I recalled playing "make believe" - creating games and circumstances where Sydney and I would play together.  I couldn't believe my eyes!   I picked him up and we sat together on the bench and just looked at one another for a long time.  Finally, Sydney reached for my hand.  As his tiny hand encircled my thumb, I was immediately taken back to the small house in which we lived back then. Although the memories were fuzzy, I was able to recall the confusion that I experienced - our home was to have been happy when mommy came home from the hospital; we were supposed to have a little "bundle of joy" they had said.  Instead, there were tears; hushed conversations filled with emotions I couldn't comprehend; buried anger and resentment; blame; sadness; and the sense of barrenness created by an empty cradle.   The experience of adulthood had given meaning to all those conflicting and confusing feelings from the past.  Looking back, I can see how that event initiated life-long reverberations of grief for all of my family - parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles.  So much possibility unfulfilled.  So many hopes dashed.  So many dreams erased.  So much happiness buried.  More than 50 years have passed and I still feel the sting of that day.   I closed my eyes allowing the scene to disappear, and then looked down again into Sydney's face.  "I don't understand little bro!  What does this have to do with my journey?  Why are we here together now of all times?"   Sydney looked up at me and with wisdom well beyond his years, he said, "Your journey began on that day - the journey you continue even now.  What was incomprehensible then you now have words to describe.  With those words, you can comfort young mothers and fathers - help mend hearts and relationships torn apart by the unthinkable.  You can teach others to express compassion for families tormented by the emptiness of early death.  You can help create hope for the future.  You can do this because healing matters!"   Sitting there on that bench, I thought about all the challenges that Sydney's absence from our lives had created for my family through the years.  I thought about the impact of his absence in my own life.  How many times growing up had I heard, "Do you have a brother?"  He was right!  My journey had begun the day his terminated.  I have been running this race for a very long time.  I realized that to drop the running now would mean taking my eye off the finish line - stopping short of the goal - missing chances to make a difference."   Thus the saga of Sydney and Edwin . . . no, not ends . . . but . . . continues . . . Friends, this story is mine and it is true. You see, my middle name is Edwin. I think of Sydney every day. I think of all the other Edwin's and families affected by similar losses. There are times I tire on this journey. There are times I feel as if I am a "voice crying in the wilderness" to which few listen. There are times that I long for a message more easily accepted by the public. There are times I contemplate taking a detour from this path . . . and then . . . I think of the Saga of Sydney and Edwin . . . and . . . well . . . I take another step. Until next time . . . Peace!   Sincerely,   Mark Hundley

Why This? Why Now? Why You?

Greetings Friends,

I am amazed at how quickly time passes these days! Well, it likely does not pass any faster in reality ~ it just seems that way! Perhaps it's my age or the fact that I have no hair or . . . perhaps it's just the fast pace at which we live our lives. Regardless, the months seem to fly by now!

In this issue, I'll share the beginnings of several stories that have touched schools, families and communities in the very recent past. I'll also talk about what's behind Every Step Has a Story, in an effort to add more depth to the event. Exciting updates about potential corporate sponsorships will be addressed and finally we'll highlight an article published by the UNT online alumni magazine related to Good Mourning.

Hope you enjoy this September Edition of our Newsletter!

Mark

New Stories . . . Just Beginning

Ripple Effects Recently I was contacted by an area high school and asked to make a presentation outlining healthy ways to deal with grief. You see, this particular school has experienced multiple death losses in a very short time period ~ both over the summer months and at the beginning of the new school year. As I listened to the explanation of the sequence of events, I found myself wondering just how far the effects of these losses would reach. In my 20 plus years of working with grieving individuals, families and groups I have been reminded over and again that a single death creates ripples that move through families, groups and communities in ways that often defy prediction. Many times, these ripples continue on for years. Imagine the complexity facing the school and community as they work to embrace the impact of the death of two students in separate accidents, children having to deal with the death of a parent in two separate suicide events and the death of one parent who lost a battle with cancer. It is as if someone has taken several pebbles and cast them into a pond, breaking the still surface and sending overlapping ripples in multiple directions at once. The tasks facing the families, school and community are enormous. The stories are just beginning. The outcomes remain in question. The families and groups affected by these losses will need to take each day as it comes. They must find healthy ways to both embrace the pain of grief and express their grief in acts of mourning that help them heal. To borrow from Dr. Alan Wolfelt, I want to share with you the "Six Reconciliation Needs of Mourners." Acknowledge the Reality of the Death Through Mourning Rituals. Move Toward the Pain of the Loss while being Nurtured Physically, Emotionally and Spiritually. Convert the Relationship from one of Presence to one of Memory. Develop a New Self Identity Based on a Life Without the Person Who Died. Relate the Experience of Death to a Context of Meaning. A Continued Supportive Presence in Future Years Although healthy reconciliation of grief is not guaranteed, if those affected by the deaths mentioned earlier will approach their journeys by paying attention to the needs listed above then they have a better chance to heal. Perhaps one day we'll hear from one or more of those just beginning their journey. In the meantime, may we keep them in our thoughts and prayers.

Every Step Has a Story!

Why This? Why Now? Why You?   I can't tell you how many have enthusiastically encouraged me in my 600 mile walking project! Almost without fail, I get a "Wow!" when sharing the details of the event. Then, there are a few who pause, look at me as if I had three eyes and ask, "Now tell me again . . . just WHY are you doing this? And Why NOW of all times?" Let me take each of the questions individually. Why This? ~ Perhaps the best answer for this question is a set of sobering statistics. Often, the simple numbers speak better than any words I can conjure. 1.5 million children will lose one or both parents to death by the age of 15. Over 3.5 to 4 million children under the age of 18 are grieving the loss of a parent. One out of seven children will experience the death of a loved one by the age of ten. 1 out of 5 children have a learning, emotional, or behavioral problem due to the family system changing. Close to 2 million children receive death benefits from a deceased worker. Children of parents who die suddenly are 3 times more likely to develop depression and are at higher risk for post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Children who lose loved ones are 5 times more likely to complete suicide.  Children who lose loved ones are 9 times more likely to drop out of high school. Children who lose loved ones are 10 times more likely to use drugs. Children who lose loved ones are 20 times more at risk for behavioral disorders.  Children who lose loved ones to death are often referred to as "Forgotten Mourners."  Why this walk? I want to raise awareness nationally about the scope and impact of childhood and teen loss. I am convinced that many of the issues with which we struggle have at their root some partially or wholly unreconciled loss or losses. Perhaps this walk will help us all to share more openly about our losses. Why Now? ~ Perhaps this question is best answered by another question . . . Why NOT now? If we waited for the "perfect time" to address an issue, we might wait an entire lifetime. Remember Yoda? Yes, that wise little munchkin said it best when he stated, "Do or Do Not! There is No Try!" I can "try" all I want to ~ think about, plan, mull it over, dream ~ and never move off center. NOW seems to be the best time to Do something of consequence. There are organizations around the world that dedicate their time, resources and energies to assist and support grieving children. What better time than NOW to help bring their all-important work to light? What better time than NOW to give voice to the stories of children, teens and families who struggle to make sense of the senseless? What better time . . . ? Why You? ~ I learned a long time ago that when a need stares me in the face and I say, "I sure wish someone would do something about that," the next thing that happens is that a tiny little voice responds by asking, "Well what's keeping you from doing something?" I often find myself fumbling with weak excuses as to why I can't only to ultimately surrender and begin the process of figuring out what I can do. You see, it's not right to volunteer someone else to address an issue if I'm not willing to do something myself. I'm only doing what any other able-bodied person can do! The story is not in this 57 year old bald cowboy from Texas walking to Tennessee in one month! No sir! The real stories will come from children, teens, families and communities as they have a chance to share their experiences along the way. That little voice did not ask, "Well what's keeping George from doing something about it?" The voice asked "Well what's keeping YOU from doing something?" Thanks Yoda . . . and thanks Voice . . . I can't wait to see what will happen!

Every Step Has a Story!

Corporate Sponsorships In previous communications I have shared that Lyons Entertainment and Black River Media/Films are on board to do the documentary film of this project! In addition, StatGuard Technologies will build and host a website for the walk and team with Sprint to provide 24/7 streaming HD TV quality video of the event. In the process of talking to folks about the project, State Farm Insurance has begun the process of considering underwriting the film and serving as primary sponsor for the walk itself! I am working on contacts with Nike, Coca Cola, Ozarka and others to provide products that will make the walk a bit easier. We are looking for sponsors in other areas as well! If you would like to know more about what we are looking for or have ideas, please feel free to shoot me an email! I'd love to hear from you!

UNT Alumni Publication

Good Mourning Recently, the University of North Texas contacted me to inquire about the second edition of Awaken to Good Mourning. In the process of visiting with them, the conversation focused on the Every Step Has a Story project and well . . . the rest is now history. I would like to invite you to read the wonderful article they wrote entitled, Good Mourning and share it with friends and family. I continue to be amazed at the interest in helping grieving children and teens!

As always, thanks so much for your continued interest and support! I love hearing from you! I am hopeful that you have found the information in this issue of the newsletter both useful and informative.

Take care until next time! Peace!

 

Sincerely,

 

Mark Hundley

Every Step Has a Story . . . And Then Some

Dear Friends,

So much continues to happen regarding the Every Step Has a Story project! Without fail, every person that hears about the project expresses excitement and asks what he/she can do to be most supportive! Simply Amazing!

In this issue, I will share yet another story from the many personal journeys of loss and grief of which I am aware. I am hopeful that you will find ways to share these stories with others you think might benefit from hearing them.

Thanks for your continued interest.

Mark

Daryl's Story

Mom Said It Was Only a Headache I will never forget the first time I met Daryl (not his real name) at his home. I had received a call from his father asking if I minded coming to their home to visit with Daryl. I was more than happy to oblige. Daryl was a friendly, energetic, articulate nine year-old boy. At first glance, one would never know that Daryl carried a heavy burden of grief. His winsome smile almost hid the sadness that lurked just under the surface . . . Almost! One look into his eyes revealed the pain and uncertainty that sought dominance in his life. The source of this pain? Daryl's mother had died only one month before our meeting. As I sat down on the sofa across from Daryl and visited with both his father and him, I sensed that Daryl was eager for his father to leave the room . . . eager to tell me something . . . eager to talk about his sadness. This eagerness was consistent with what his father had told me. It seems that Daryl was somewhat reluctant to talk openly about his feelings of sadness with his father and had asked his dad to find someone he could talk to ~ thus the call to me. After a few minutes, Daryl's father excused himself and left the two of us alone in the living room. Almost immediately, Daryl said, "My mom died and I don't understand why! Can you help me understand why she had to die?" Wow! What a tall order! I knew that I did not have the answers to that question ~ I'm not sure anyone does . . . at least in the ways he sought to know. Instead of tackling the insurmountable, I suggested that he tell me about his mom and he did so with passion, excitement and tears. That initial meeting was just the first of several over the next few months. It seems that Daryl's father and mother had divorced two years prior to her death. Daryl lived with her for the first year and a half after the divorce. During that time period, his mother began to experience frequent, excruciating headaches. Every time she experienced one, she was unable to function to the point that eventually she and Daryl's father agreed that Daryl might be better taken care of if he lived with his father. I recall as Daryl shared that part of his story with me that he stopped and his eyes focused on a faraway place and he said, "Mom said it was only a headache . . . only a headache." The weekend she died, Daryl was visiting her in her home in a state contiguous to Texas. She had been feeling better and was confident that the latest treatment for her headaches might be working. At the dinner table on a Saturday night, she suddenly collapsed, complaining of severe head pain. Daryl's grandmother quickly called 911 and the paramedics took her to the hospital. Daryl's dad was notified and he rushed to Daryl's side as quickly as possible. Before midnight that night, Daryl's mother lost her battle to what was diagnosed ONLY after her death as a brain tumor. Daryl was crushed! Although the doctors misdiagnosed her condition, Daryl believed that his mom "knew" she had a brain tumor. He also believed that his mom told him "it was only a headache" to keep him from worrying about her. He said, "She was just that way . . . never wanted me to worry." Daryl found himself struggling to understand the incomprehensible . . . to make sense of the senseless . . . to find meaning in the meaningless. He did so with the support of a loving father, a caring extended family and a community dedicated to lend invaluable comfort. In the few months that Daryl and I worked together, I watched him struggle, cry, laugh, remember, express anger, sit quietly and find a path for his personal journey. Daryl and his father began attending support sessions at the The W.A.R.M. Place in Ft. Worth where they both found comfort and healing in the presence of others who walked similar paths. I'm not sure what happened to Daryl and his father. That is so often the case with counseling; however, I am confident that they found reconciliation of their grief and continue to walk the paths of healing to this day~ Not because of anything I did, but because of their choices to mourn their loss in ways that bring healing. I will always remember Daryl's courage, vulnerability and determination and I will always remember Daryl. I am a better person for having known him. I am hopeful that you can learn from Daryl as well.

Every Step Has a Story

And the Beat Goes On! Plans for the Every Step Has a Story project continue with new developments almost daily. I have shared that I feel as if I have stepped on a fast-moving train that began its journey headed for a pre-determined destination and that I am just along for the ride! We have finalized the itinerary for stops along the way. I have worked it out so that I will rest each Sunday of the month of April 2011 and not walk at all on those days. Following is the itinerary by date and stop. If you know anyone in any of these towns/cities, please share this information with them. Perhaps we can connect in some way prior to the walk or as we make a stop. April 2011 ~ Every Step Has a Story Itinerary Greenville, TX Sulphur Springs, TX Sulphur Springs, TX (Rest) Mt. Vernon, TX Naples, TX New Boston, TX Texarkana, TX Hope, AR Prescott, AR Prescott, AR (Rest) Arkadelphia, AR Malvern, AR Benton, AR Little Rock, AR Cabot, AR Searcy, AR Searcy, AR (Rest) Wynne, AR Earle, AR Memphis, TN Munford, TN Brownsville, TN Humboldt, TN Humboldt, TN (Rest) Camden, TN Waverly, TN Dickson, TN Fairview, TN Brentwood, TN Nashville, TN Other items of interest being addressed: We are working on acquiring the use of a tour bus as our "rolling headquarters" rather than  staying in a hotel at each stop along the way. I will meet with the local "Smart Car" dealership to see about the use of a Smart Car as the official "chase vehicle" to follow along with me as I walk. Black River Media/Films will produce the first press release related to the event within the next couple of weeks. My publisher will distribute a press release tying Awaken to Good Mourning and Every Step Has a Story within a few weeks. The UNT alumni publication The North Texan will run a story in its next issue as well as one in the spring of 2011 just prior to the walk. They will also post an expanded story in the soon to be launched online version of their alumni magazine. I will share more developments as they arise! In the meantime, thank you for your positive response, encouragement and input! I welcome them all!

Awaken to Good Mourning

Book Added as Ancillary Text We are excited to announce that Awaken to Good Mourning has been added as an ancillary resource text for graduate level counseling students in the UNT Counselor Education Program! The book will serve as a resource for counselors in training during the on campus practicum class ~ a class that requires counselors in training to work with clients under supervision. We continue to find ways to incorporate Awaken to Good Mourning into similar programs in other counselor training programs. If you know of a university counselor training program that might be interested, please let us know! Thanks!

Thank you for your continued interest in the projects and work of Awaken Associates and Mark Hundley. Together we can make a difference in the lives of many children and families. I look forward to sharing more information and stories in the very near future.

Until next time . . . Peace!

 

Sincerely,

 

Mark Hundley
Awaken Associates

Every Step Has a Story

Dear Friends,

I am often amazed at how rapidly life changes ~ how quickly the landscape in which we live alters around us! Since the last newsletter, so many exciting things have happened! I am anxious to share them with you and ask that you consider passing the newsletter along to friends and family members you think might find the news as exciting as I!

Here goes!

Mark

McKinney, TX to Nashville, TN~600 Miles/Thirty Days         

As you know from last month's newsletter, I've had one of those "crazy ideas" again! The Every Step Has a Story project I told you about is taking on a life of its own! I would never have dreamed that so much could happen in such a short time, but it has!

On April 1, 2011, I will depart McKinney, TX, headed for Nashville, TN ~ a 600 mile hike ~ averaging 20 to 25 miles per day. My plans are to complete this task on Saturday April 30, 2011! What would compel a 57 year old bald guy to take on such a project? Glad you asked!

Essentially, my passion to provide support for grieving children, adolescents and families drives me to pursue this task. Following are the three goals I have for this project:

• To raise awareness of the scope and impact of childhood and adolescent grief on a national level.
• To highlight organizations around our country that work to provide support for grieving children and families.
• To raise awareness of and funds for the Journey of Hope Grief Support Center regionally in the North Texas  area.

Now I must confess that as I contemplated sharing this idea with others, I thought I would be met with skepticism or discouragement. To my elation, the opposite has been the case! Without exception, everyone who has listened to the details of this project has been extremely excited and supportive!

In order to accomplish the goals listed above, part of the overall plan includes a town hall type meeting at each stop along the way where I will share my story and collect stories from those in attendance; media coverage ~ nationally, regionally and locally; capturing the walk on video so that a documentary film can be made; ancillary events that will support the primary stated goals of the project just to name a few. A group of volunteers has emerged to help me plan, promote and produce this event! There is no way I can accomplish this on my own.

In the brief time since the last newsletter, the following has happened:

• I was put in touch with two amazing men who will help coordinate and produce the documentary film. David Lyons of Lyons Entertainment and Travis Shortt of Black River Media/Films have latched on to this project with a fierce passion of their own! I am so excited!
• Travis Shortt has volunteered his Public Relations expertise to help promote this project.
• StatGuard Technologies will provide the technology to host and monitor a dedicated website for the walk that will allow 24/7 live streaming video of the event so that folks from anywhere can follow the progress.
• In partnership with StatGuard, Sprint has signed on as a sponsor to provide the phones and related technology to access and upload the video to the site!

I could go on and on, but for now, these  developments will suffice. I will update our progress with periodic emails so be on the lookout!

The First of Many to Come . . .

Donna's Story Between now and April 2011, I will be sharing stories from folks who have experienced the death of a loved one where children or adolescents were directly involved or affected. My intent is to reveal the extent to which children, adolescents and families are touched by the death of loved ones. Often, the stories will reveal positive outcomes. At other times, the realities of of life will find expression in hope unfulfilled. I'm hopeful that you will find this segment in each newsletter and email to be helpful in some way. A little over twenty years ago, I met Donna one day while working out at the YMCA in Plano, TX. I had just completed my first marathon to raise funds for a memorial scholarship in Christy's memory and honor at the University of North Texas. The local YMCA supported my efforts and in the process, posted my picture. Donna recognized me and we began to talk about her experience. Donna shared the following: "You know, Mark, I just celebrated my fortieth birthday yesterday. As exciting as that should have been, I was sad deep down inside." I asked her why and she continued, "Well, I was reminded that twenty-two years ago when I was eighteen, my mother died from breast cancer. I will never forget how empty and lost I felt, but that was not the worst of it all. I was the eldest of six children, the youngest being six. I will never forget the afternoon after my mother's funeral when my dad came into the room and addressed all of us kids. He said 'Your mother is dead. We will grieve for the next two weeks and then we have to get on with life. There is just too much to do to grieve any longer.'" She shared further. "Being the eldest and a female, I took on many responsibilities for raising my younger siblings. I graduated from high school but delayed going to college because there was just too much to do . . . and it was my job to see that all was done the way it needed to be done." I remember her eyes trailing off to some place in her distant past as tears formed in her eyes. She said, "Mark, I have been two weeks into my grief for twenty-two years now. What do I do to start healing?" Donna's courageous sharing of her story that day started her down her own personal path to healing and grief reconciliation. Sharing one's story ~ as often as needed ~ is just one way to begin the process of healing.

Speaking of Speaking . . .

On the Road I have been privileged to speak to many groups recently. In March, I traveled to Las Vegas to present a session on the "Compassionate Delivery of Death Benefits" to a group of life insurance professionals at the annual Life Agency Management Program. In May, I conducted a workshop with the Collin College Counseling Department addressing the "Integration Model of the Grief Process and a New Approach to Grief Counseling." Early July found me in Denton at the UNT Center for Counseling and Human Development spending time with some graduate counseling students and supervising professors talking about the "Integration Model of the Grief Process." The coming months will find me in the following places: September 15 & 16, 2010 ~ Mountain View, CA ~ Cusimano Family Colonial Mortuary ~ Conducting an evening session for the community and a professional development session the next day for counseling, health care, clergy & grief support professionals. October 7, 2010 ~ French Lick, IN (north of Louisville, KY) ~ Northwestern Mutual Agency Meeting ~ "Death Benefit Delivery: What Do I Do Now?" January 2011 ~ Collin County Council on Family Violence, Plano, TX ~ "The Specter of Disenfranchised Grief in Domestic Violence." I would love to speak in your community. In conjunction with the "Every Step Has a Story" event, I will speak to groups about the principles that drive such an effort and how those principles can infuse any business, educational institution, church or civic organization with renewed determination to move forward in tough times.

Awaken to Good Mourning ~ Bulk Purchase Discounts

Many groups and organizations have contacted me asking about bulk purchase discounts for Awaken to Good Mourning. Funeral homes, churches, life insurance agencies, colleges and others have discovered the value of having Awaken to Good Mourning available for their clients and members. Awaken Associates will offer the deepest bulk purchase discount on Awaken to Good Mourning to any individual or group through August 2010. Whether you purchase two or two hundred copies, the per copy prices will be $8. Contact us today for details. Our Price: $8.00 List Price:  $15.95 S & H: Included

Holidays "R" Us!

A few years back, my wife Vanessa and I were called upon to present a session related to Holiday challenges faced by individuals and families.  As we did a little brainstorming about how to address some of the more common Holiday challenges, we decided to create a few "Common Holiday Characters" with which most of us are familiar.  These characters resonated so well with those who attended the session, that we routinely dust them off each Holiday Season as a way to stay in touch with the experiences of our clients throughout the Holidays.

I invite you to read the following cast of characters and see if you can identify with any of the descriptions.  Perhaps, we have nailed the description of some of your family members.  Perhaps even you identify with one of the characters in a personal way.

Ultimately, our purpose in creating these characters is to encourage all of us to examine our expectations and actions related to the Holidays and where/when necessary, make appropriate changes or adjustments.

I hope you enjoy reading and invite your comments or even suggestions for other characters to add to the mix!  Happy Holidays!

HOLIDAYS “R” US!

 

A Cast of Characters

 

Last Minute Louie – This guy believes in delaying everything to the absolute last minute!  Shopping, sending greeting cards, making travel plans, responding to invitations, opening mail with important information or directions, arriving at family gatherings, etc. are all relegated to the back burner!  He does this, at least in part, to avoid various realities that might impact the Holidays – i.e., financial deficits, not enough time, embarrassing changes in his lifestyle or direction, to give himself the appearance of pseudo importance to cover a sense of inadequacy and security and the like.  This approach provides him with a plethora of excuses for not attending certain functions, seeing or not seeing certain individuals, committing to too many events, and the like.  You just never know when/if/where/how Louie might respond or show up!

 

Uncle Ebeneezer – This character takes his expression of displeasure with various aspects of his life away from their true source and displaces those feelings on other, usually unrelated events or people.  These expressions most often appear as anger toward people, activities and events that are safer and less threatening than the real issues with which he struggles.  He becomes the “bah, humbug” of the Holidays.  Often, personal relationships become distressed and strained.  Additionally, work difficulties, chronic agitation, a bitter orientation toward life in general, self-hatred and debilitating depression may result.

 

Charlie Changer – Change for the sake of change is the calling card for old Charlie!  He has a difficult time accepting that parts of people, situations and Holidays change a little each day or each observance.  In order to combat this discomfort with the natural cycle of change, his mission becomes changing everything he can with little or no care for the feelings of others.  He is an all-or-nothing, black-or-white kind of guy.  A new car, a new relationship/girlfriend/spouse, a new job (the best one ever, by the way), a new way of celebrating the Holidays are routine for him.  Things rarely have time to become meaningful – they MUST be changed!

 

Aunt Mini Mizer – This person tends to laugh off past Holiday disasters as being “nothing.” She does not validate the importance or impact of past Holiday events;  therefore, the experiences of others are minimized in the process.  She is the true "Queen of Denial” and seeks to keep unpleasant memories at bay by controlling her feelings about past events or present fears and anxieties.  She also seeks to control the feelings and experiences of other family members as well.  If she successfully reduces Holiday realities to “mere gnats in the soup,” then they can be extracted and cast aside without notice or impact.

 

Hilda Hypochondriac – Keep the smelling salts handy, the Ben-gay in stock and the medical dictionary opened!  Hilda is coming with the latest disease, ache, pain or malady!  She is the one who conveniently passes out almost every Holiday gathering just as the time arrives to do the dishes.  She will tell you about every new exotic germ or bacteria to hit the world as well as others that haven’t yet ~ and she has the all!  In reality, she is likely to be the one in the family that internalizes her distress, feelings of loss or emotional pain and expresses them through real or imagined illnesses.  She has yet to learn that healthy expression of grief can help her heal the feelings that she somaticizes.

 

Busy Aunt Bea – This delightful person is the one who is constantly scurrying around cleaning, filling empty glasses or bowls, dusting, cooking, slicing and dicing everything in sight!  Don’t set your plate or cup down for even a second or she will whisk it away before you can whistle!  Staying busy for busyness sake is the name of her game.  She obtains a certain sense of purpose and identity in what she does.  No one is ever sure whether Aunt Bea ever eats anything because on one ever sees her sit down.  She often arrives four hours early “just to help out a bit” after staying up all night the night before doing last minute baking and cooking.  She is secretly afraid of what might happen to her if she ever slows down to take care of herself.

 

Paula Plastic – Paula is the shopping addict of the bunch!  The more credit cards the merrier!  Why buy just one gift per person when three will do?  Worry about the bills at the end of the month?  Not her!  She is a sucker for the “No payments until June” kind of advertisements that litter the media!  Rampant, unchecked spending is just a way to medicate her feelings of loneliness, loss or insignificance.  Each shopping binge is the next “fix” in this debilitating addiction.  No matter how much she spends or buys, it is never enough!

 

Betty Buffet – This person is the one who just loves the Holidays because of all the wonderful food of the Season!  She is the one who has continual cravings for food.  The cravings are often experienced as a compulsion and she feels no personal power to moderate her eating.  This may be an unconscious attempt to fill an emotional void with food.  Many families have at least one person who fits this description and sometimes, entire families are afflicted by this malady.  Betty can easily become the butt of many cruel jokes and remarks. She might even laugh with those who deride her all the while shriveling on the inside.

 

Uncle Bud Wiser – The funny walk, the lampshade on the head, the clown of the party – the holes in the wall, the angry words, damaged relationships, lost jobs.  Everyone knows that he has a problem with alcohol but no one is willing to approach him about his problem.  Drinking in moderation has no meaning for him.  He is like the proverbial elephant in the living room that no one wishes to acknowledge.  When he passes out on the floor, his family either steps over him and allows him to “rest,” or they put him to bed to let him sleep it off.  Where his usual three cans of beer a day is sufficient during the rest of the year, three six packs a day for the long weekend during the Holidays might be his reward for working so hard the rest of the year.  He deserves to “tie one on and on and on!”  He may be funny – but for how long?

Flighty Freida – The person stays on the move constantly!  She seemingly travels anywhere her heart desires!  Don’t count on her to attend your family gatherings because she might not arrive. Even if she does come home for the Holidays, she is like a humming bird flitting from one conversation to another never lighting long enough to establish any meaningful connections with anyone.  Although she appears to be care free and well adjusted, she may be seeking to avoid some unpleasant feelings or memories connected with family and family gatherings.  If she can just keep moving, she will be ok – it is difficult to hit a moving target!

 

Damper Dave – This character is the family’s altruistic do-gooder and he carries it to a fault.  Reaching out to your brother in need is very healthy and helpful but Dave will seek to make you feel guilty for simply breathing!  Dave’s over dedication to causes may be efforts to assuage his guilt for some real or imagined part he has played in another’s misfortune.  A type of Messiah Complex can develop out of which he may gain a sense of individual worth and meaning.  In the process, he can make life around the family gathering rather uncomfortable.

 

Perfect Pete – Perfection is the name of his game.  He is looking for the perfect meal, the perfect gift, the perfect song, the perfect outfit, the perfect setting, the perfect weather, the PERFECT HOLIDAY!  Unfortunately, not everything is perfect and sets himself up for a big letdown by fostering unrealistic expectations for himself and others in the family.  He will often let others know of his disappointments in an effort to enlist their sympathy and help in ensuring that the next gathering will be flawless.  One tiny blemish on the day and the WHOLE DAY is shot!  His striving for perfection can be a way to avoid facing the day-to-day imperfections and disappointments in life and give him reason to grieve vicariously through setting up impossible situations destined to fail.

 

In Charge Marge – This is the person who is the controller – the one who calls all the shots!  Marge will determine where each person will be seated, who will take pictures, what jobs each will have, etc.  If she is not in charge, she has no meaning or worth.  Challenges to her authority threaten not just the day but her entire existence.  Everyone must play his or her assigned role.  This can be a particularly harrowing experience when one of the family members brings in a new friend or spouse.  The new addition is expected to “know” the rules and is often made to feel inferior or inadequate because they do not.  It then becomes Marge’s job to take the new one aside and school him or her in the intricacies of family ways.  As long as Marge is in control, she doesn’t have to think about the daily struggles and losses she faces.

The Next Installment

I will post another essay next week related to the Holidays that outlines Five Steps to a Meaningful Holiday Season.  In the Meantime, Peace!

Mark

Copyright 1994 By Mark E. Hundley, M.ED., LPC & Vanessa Moore-Hundley, M.ED, LPC

Back from England, Love -- Part 4: Final Chapter

I have been home a week now and the trip to England seems almost a blur in my life experience.  So much took place in such a short time -- emotionally, mentally, spiritually, relationally -- some experiences bold and "in my face" while others carried more subtle impact.  Regardless of the nature of each experience, I am convinced that I will work to synthesize and integrate each one into the fabric of who I am and who I will become.  Needless to say, the trip will stay with me a lifetime.

As I close this formal discussion of my experiences in London, Stonehenge and Bath, I want to focus more on the people than the places.

Following are a few observations I made about the people with whom I interacted there:

• The people of England are just like we are here in the States -- working hard to make a life for themselves and their respective families.
• Concern about the direction in which the world is headed holds a prominent place in their thinking.
• Consternation about the impact fuel prices continue to have on their ability to create a quality life peppers their discussions -- by the way, the average price per gallon of gas there is about double our average price; approximately $8.00 per gallon!
• The part taxes plays in their lives serves as fodder for lively conversation.  I learned that the first 55 pounds per week (roughly equal to $110 here) that a worker earns in England is tax free; they are then taxed at a rate of 20% on anything above that base amount.  (Now the rich have loopholes that make your head swim and that is perhaps a point of discussion for another time)  A national health care plan (everyone has coverage) is part of this tax structure.
• The sense of pride they have in their country and its place on the world stage is similar to what we see overall here in our country.
• The sense of concern and grief they feel over the wars in Afghanistan, Iraq and other parts of the world weighs heavily on them as well.  I think we sometimes forget that we have allies whose sons and daughters sacrifice their lives in the same wars in which we find ourselves engaged -- a fact that needs more attention here.
• They are perhaps as a whole, more in tune with the impact of human kind on the health of our planet than the typical American and therefore more inclined to take steps and make sacrifices to reverse the negative impacts -- but I believe that is changing.
• As a whole, they appear much more comfortable with cultural diversity than we -- the truly international nature of London forces that issue perhaps more so than here; I'm not quite sure.
• London is quite proactive in ensuring the safety of its people -- we were told that it is likely that each time we walked the streets of London, there was a likelihood that we would be photographed forty or more times in a single day regardless of where we were.  (If you remember me telling about a few of our group that experienced a robbery -- we were told that the police had good camera placement on that particular street and were hopeful that the images would help in capturing the perpetrators)
• In London, the primary method of transportation for the average person is the "Tube" or Underground (read subway here).  Often, the "subway" conjures pictures of fear, assault and potential crime here.  I did not find that to be the case in London.  Traveling the "Tube" is as commonplace as getting in your car here -- people generally leave you alone and simply use the train as a means of getting from one place to another.
• Residents of England know as much if not more about the Presidential Race in the United States than the average citizen here!  Further, they are quite open and opinionated about who they see as being best for that job!  Amazing!
• The people of London tend look "through" or "beyond" you on the street -- very little eye contact or exchange of greetings.  I have my theories on this phenomenon, but will save those for later.
• Did I say that I found them very similar to people here in the States?  Yes!  I believe I did!  We are more alike than we are different!  We are more alike than we are different!

I could go on listing observations, but I think the ones outlined above are fairly representative of the bigger picture.  Overall, I was comfortable there!  Apart from the fact that they drive on the "wrong" side of the road, everything else seemed familiar!

Since this blog is about living in the meantimes, I feel duty bound to discuss that a bit.

The meantimes -- whether they come in the form of skyrocketing fuel prices; steadily climbing food costs; high taxes; uncertainty about the health of our planet; the tenuous stability of international relations; terrorism; education; the strength of marriage and family relationships; etc., etc., etc. -- serve as common denominators of the human experience!

We are more alike than we are different!

One of our bus drivers shared that he works two jobs -- a total of 75 - 80 hours per week -- and has had only one week vacation in four years!  He was astute; articulate; opinionated; informed; interesting; a great conversationalist; and upbeat!  He loves life!

One young lady who escorted our group back to the airport prior to our departure home has two jobs as well -- her work with the tour company is only part-time and on the weekends.  She is twenty-five years old, a native of Slovakia, speaks five languages, has a masters degree in business, and lives in London alone in order to perfect her English.  She said that if she had moved there with her parents, she would have spoken only her native language and therefore not worked on English.  She was engaging; optimistic; vibrant; intelligent; observant; and delightful!  She wants to make a difference in the world!

Another young lady who works as a server at a restaurant hails from the Czech Republic and has been in London only two years.  She is a hard worker; outgoing; interested in other people; eager to learn; articulate; goal-oriented; and determined!  She is on an adventure!

I could go on, but won't for now.  Do you see the similarities?  How many Americans do you know who could be described in similar ways as those above?

We are all travelers on the same planet seeking essentially the same things out of life.  We all face challenges and difficulties -- "mean times" -- in life that demand action on our parts as we pursue our dreams.  We all seek strategies to live in the "meantimes" -- the times between times; the interim periods -- and can learn from one another.

As I reflect on what I learned from my fellow travelers in life while in England, the following are strategies I believe many of them use in order to face their individual "mean times" when they come and live within the "meantimes" while they prepare for the next steps.

1. They work hard to continue following their goals -- they don't give up!
2. They focus more on what they have than what they do not have!
3. They talk openly with others about their struggles and doubts rather than stuffing their feelings.
4. They continue to dream big despite the struggles they face!
5. They remain open to suggestion and counsel when faced with seemingly insurmountable obstacles.
6. They smile and laugh a lot -- even when things are not going exactly the way they would want them to go.
7. They take time to relax -- even those who have not taken a "real vacation" -- on a daily basis.  Taking time for tea in the afternoon is a marvelous idea!
8. They share their hearts with people who truly care about their well-being!

Do you see the potential for positive impact that I see in the lessons above?  My!  I wonder what might happen if you and I were to begin putting into practice the eight lessons listed above?  How might our perspective change?  What new ideas might come to the surface?  What innovations might dawn on us?  What kinds of connections might we make?  What kind of character might we build?

I may never get a chance to travel abroad again, but I will always treasure the lessons learned and the experiences shared.  I am hopeful that you will seek to put into practice at least one of the lessons shared from my trip!  I truly believe that a positive change is yours for the effort!

Peace!

Mark

Copyright 2008 Mark E. Hundley

                                                                                                                                                        

Back from England, Love -- Part 3: Bath

Imagine watching water bubble to the surface of a pool from the depths of a source that guarantees a constant 120 degree temperature.  Now, imagine further that the droplets of water that just burst into the open air began their journey some ten thousand years ago as rain drops -- rain drops that soaked into the soil and progressively filtered through multiple layers of limestone only to find new life at the heat source and become a part of the complex of hot springs offering healing to those fortunate enough to find them.  In a nutshell, that is the story of the springs at Bath in England.

Archaeologists have uncovered evidence that neolithic hunter-gatherer tribes began accessing the restorative properties of the springs in the Bath region some ten thousand years ago.  History reveals how the mystical waters then captivated the Celts, Romans and Christians causing them to establish elaborate structures, rituals and beliefs associated with these hot mineral springs.  The attraction remains today as well!

I have to say that next to our stroll around Stonehenge, visiting Bath was my favorite excursion during our trip to England!  While Stonehenge remains enigmatic and unfathomable, Bath displays its colorful history through a vast array of structures, carvings, engravings and pictures that reveal its importance to the livelihood of human beings.

As I walked through the ruins of the Roman temple erected there, I was intrigued by the stories related to the healing nature of the hot mineral baths.  With my broken shoulder, I have to say that I was tempted to engage in a little experiment to see if the myths held any truth!  Nah!  I didn't dive in -- but I was tempted!  Seriously, the beauty and mystery of Ancient Bath drew me in -- caused me to want to linger longer and absorb the power of the place.  As with any tour, time is a commodity that is parceled out and we had only so long to explore.

After walking through the Temple Museum and excavation site, I sauntered through some of the streets of modern-day Bath and fell in love with the city.  I discovered that the healing and restorative powers of the mineral waters have indeed filtered into and throughout the city itself.  With the exception of Taos and Santa Fe, NM, I don't believe I have ever been in a city that felt as healing or spiritual as Bath! 

The pace was slower -- the people friendlier -- the streets cleaner -- the air more pure -- the atmosphere more inviting than London.  Sitting in one of the open squares near the entrance to the Roman Baths and in the shadow of the truly magnificent Bath Abbey, I observed people leisurely enjoying lunch and engaging in relaxed conversation.  Scattered throughout the city center were groups of entertainers -- magicians; violinists; artists -- all working together to weave a loose-knit harmony that connected the tourists and locals in a common purpose.  That purpose being a colorful human tapestry of community.  People from all walks of life; from all parts of the world shared the healing atmosphere of Bath.  Differences of race, nationality, religion, ideology and philosophy all disappeared. I felt energized by the experience -- and hopeful!  Hopeful that one day our human commonalities will overwhelm our differences so that our world might enjoy the healing that is so needed and necessary.

As we departed Bath and headed back to London, I took some time to reflect on what the "Bath Experience" had stirred in me.  I took some time to listen to our bus driver and tour guide as they shared honestly about their individual struggles living in a world not unlike the one in which I find myself living here in the States.  I asked questions and learned from them.  I shared my perspective on issues we have in common.  I was reminded that all people everywhere on this planet seek meaning, connection, understanding, purpose and healing.

The final hour of the trip back to London was spent in silence -- the kids were sleeping and our bus driver and tour guide had settled into a quiet, contemplative state.

As I sat there, I had a wild thought!  Wouldn't it be wonderful if the healing and restorative powers of the waters of Bath could somehow be spread throughout the water sources of the world?  Can you imagine what might happen if the commonalities of the human experience began to overshadow our differences as a result of the invisible, mystical powers of the water of Bath?  I know that is a crazy thought -- impossible!  But it sure was a fun fantasy ride for a few minutes!

As we all work to make sense of our lives -- to deal as constructively as we can with the mean times we face -- I am convinced that a little dose of healing and restoration each day can do wonders for us and those with whom we interact!  There is likely no magical elixir or mystical spring that holds the key to such healing and restoration of the soul and spirit; however, there is a thread of choice, that if worked, can be used to connect us with others in healing and restorative ways.

One choice we can make each day is the choice to engage in some activity that is both healing and restorative to our own individual soul and spirit.  Listening to music that soothes; reading a favorite poem; meditating on a passage from the wisdom literature associated with our personal belief system; receiving a therapeutic massage; getting a pedicure; reading a good book; taking a stroll in a park; holding hands with a loved one; hugging our children or grandchildren -- and the list could go on. 

I often encourage clients to take a "Sixty-Second Vacation" once every hour they work.  It is very simple.  All you have to do is close the door, put your phone on silent mode, alert your assistant (if you have one) that you are not to be disturbed for sixty seconds and close your eyes.  During this sixty-second vacation focus on breathing deeply from your diaphragm; clearing your mind of all distractions; visualizing yourself in a favorite location that is calming, relaxing and healing; and allowing the healing and restorative powers locked deep inside your spirit to bubble to the surface of your consciousness.  It is amazing how powerful these sixty-second respites can be!

Now it is very unlikely that this practice will solve the world's problems overnight; however, can you imagine the subtle changes that could take place in all of our relationships the more we tap into the inner healing and restorative powers of our spirits?  Can you envision the possibilities of "infecting" those around us with the healing we experience through this practice rather than the tensions we often hand out without meaning to? 

I encourage you to begin taking a few "Sixty-Second Vacations" today and try them for one week.  See how things have changed for you seven days from now!  Who knows?  Maybe healing and restoration will begin to dominate your life and make facing the "mean times" a little easier.

Peace!

Mark

Copyright 2008 Mark E. Hundley  

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  

Back from England, Love -- Part 2: Stonehenge

Rolling over the undulating, windswept Salisbury Plain in our tour bus taking in the beauty of the English countryside, anticipation quickened the pace of my heart as we approached one of the world's greatest wonders.  I was about to view one of the most fascinating sites on this planet!  Stonehenge!  From the first moment I saw a picture of this marvelous monument as a child, I have been fascinated by its inherent power to confound. 

At last, as our  bus topped the hill announcing our final approach to Stonehenge, the monument came into view and my breath was momentarily taken away!  I could hardly wait to disembark from the bus and make my way to this near ageless mystery.  The weather was bleak on that morning -- cold, windy and punctuated by fits of rain.  Still, the grandeur and glory of this site was not diminished one bit!

I made my way to the point where our group was allowed to enter and took my "audio tour guide" device that would provide details as I walked around.  We had only about 45 minutes to absorb the enormity of that place.

I walked; listened; viewed; took pictures . . . and . . . waited!  Waited for some ancient message to come through to me!  Waited for a clue from antiquity to filter through my brain to my heart and spirit! I waited for almost timeless voices to whisper words of wisdom and insight about that enigmatic place!  Did I hear voices?  Receive revelations?  Experience an unanticipated "Ah-Ha" moment?  No!  I can't say that I did!  Perhaps the gusty wind prohibited reception of such communication.  Or the numerous tourists clamoring for the "perfect picture" interfered with the wave-lengths necessary for those messages to come through.  Perhaps another time in the future will offer that kind of communication.

As I walked around the perimeter of this marvelous megalithic monument, I was aware that there were others like me there that morning -- people who sought to linger long enough to hear messages from the mysterious.

Strolling the pavement around that place, I recalled reading an historical novel back in the '80's about a group of people who had a hand in the creation of Stonehenge and was taken back to the speculation of what purposes they may have had in living and working there.  I recalled the author making a compelling case for the people using the site for multiple purposes -- both religious and practical; however, the primary voice that came from that novel was the need to create something strong enough to endure time -- a monument that defied destruction!  What a thought!  People creating something that might ultimately be timeless -- standing in the open for all to see and speculate about -- a legacy of existence!

As I prepared to leave that sacred site, I was struck by the realization that we today have a similar need to create a legacy of existence!  To leave something behind that can withstand time.  Now, most of us will never be a part of the creation of a physical monument like Stonehenge -- those opportunities may have been lost forever.  We can, however, be a part of legacy building in other ways -- ways that will positively impact the world for future generations to come!

Living in the Meantimes requires that we create legacies of love, wisdom and character!  So often when mean times come, we are tempted to draw into ourselves -- to shut out people around us -- to close off communication. Or, we can hold on to a way of thinking, believing and acting that leads to the destruction of all we hold dear because we are too greedy or fearful or shortsighted to do anything differently.  We can become cynical, fearful, mistrusting -- even hostile!  Those types of actions will ultimately create monuments that time will reveal as gaps in action.  Times where darkness and uncertainty ruled.  Times where disconnectedness dominated.  Times when humanity languished in futility.  There are periods of human history from which we can and must learn lest we repeat the same mistakes. 

I often wonder if we are not in the throes of such a period now -- holding on so desperately to a way of life that is slowly slipping away and either unable or unwilling to take the necessary steps to alter the path on which we find ourselves as a human race.

What does this have to do with Stonehenge?  Well, as I stood there taking it all in, I was struck with one solid truth!  Regardless of the original intent of the builders or the ways in which the use and meaning of the monument have evolved over time, it stands as a reminder that through definitive action, a legacy of accomplishment can be created! 

That is what I would like to encourage on this day!  I believe that each one of us has the power and ability to create a legacy of accomplishment regardless of the difficulties we face.  We can do so by looking our mean times squarely in the eyes and determining to not be dominated by them.  We can determine to build a life that positively influences all around us to do the right thing -- to act in accordance with the preservation of our humanity and physical resources.  We can instill character and confidence in our children.  We can stand for beliefs and values that are inclusive of all people in all walks of life.  We can be difference makers!

What do you want your legacy of accomplishment to look like?  What would you like the people of the future to learn from your actions today?  What messages would you like to follow you through history yet to be made?

Let's be about the business of creating positive personal legacies that will endure time and engender hope!  Stonehenge did that for me, perhaps it can do that for you as well!

Peace!

Mark

Copyright 2008 Mark E. Hundley

Following are pictures from my walk through Stonehenge!  Can you feel the power and mystery? 

                                                                                                                              

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     

Back from England, Love -- Part 1

Three parts of me sit at the keyboard this morning -- and all three battle for dominance!  One part is glad to be back home pursuing a routine that fosters normalcy.  A second part misses the cool (at times, cold) weather of London and the surrounding countryside -- not to mention the almost indescribable sights and sounds.  The third part is already planning a return trip making note of the places to which I will return as well as the places I will add to my future itinerary.  In order to provide center stage time for all three parts (which is only fair, don't you think?), I will post three (maybe more) essays this week from each of the varying perspectives!

Traveling outside the confines of our own country often does a soul well!  My soul needed refreshing so the trip came at a perfect time!  Right off the bat, the timing was on the money!

Now, when I told some that I was going to accompany my daughter (a humanities teacher) to assist as a chaperon for a group of 14 high school humanities students (from McKinney High School), the reaction I received ranged from a grimace to a deep sigh (both intended to communicate that I was one daft bald headed man).  There were a few who understood the nature of such trips and nodded in understanding -- "You will have a great time!"  "INDEED!" I would reply.  "INDEED!" You see, those people "get it" when it comes to traveling with young people.

In all the years I have been traveling with groups of students, I can honestly say that this group was by far the best group bar none!  I often had to remind myself that I was traveling with sophomores, juniors and seniors in high school and not fourth year college or graduate students!  As a group, they were outstanding!  As individuals -- as varied and rich in personality, perspective and potential as any educator could ask for!

I miss them!  They made me smile; laugh; pause; think; reflect; re-evaluate; ponder.  They were simply wonderful!  And I might add -- "They could make a really good cup of tea!"  (Obviously an inside joke!)

Every time I feel the weight of the world pressing on my psyche, I seek a good dose of "the future is in good hands" tonic!  That tonic comes in the packaging of youth!  So many want to focus on all that is "wrong" with today's youth and paint pictures of gloom and doom for our future!  I, on the other hand, love to spend time around youth -- especially of the caliber of the humanities students from McKinney High School -- I come away with a profound sense of optimism about our future as a country; a race; a world!  These young men and women with whom I was privileged to travel will take their places in positions of leadership in the future and accomplish astoundingly wonderful things!  I have no doubt!

Often on trips like this, one only gets to see the fun and philosophical sides of students.  That being the case, one must wonder and speculate about how students might handle themselves under the pressure of crisis.  Although I would have preferred to witness the strength of their mettle in another way, fate would determine that I observed it on this trip.

The night before we were to come home, four of our young men were confronted by youthful robbers on the street less than a half mile from our hotel.  First of all, the four young men were unhurt physically thankfully -- no attack of any kind! They displayed a presence of mind well beyond their chronological age.

After the hooligans departed, one or our young men ran into a store to call the police while another flagged down a police car on the street.  Now, I am positive that the calm demeanor of our young men in the face of bullying threats confounded their assailants because all that was taken was 5 pounds in coins (roughly 10 dollars), a cell phone and a souvenir t-shirt.  Obviously, their sense of innocence took a hit as well -- that is typically the case when witless bullies behave in ways meant to intimidate.

Back to the "strength of mettle" thing I mentioned earlier. During the process of debriefing, the police asked what the worst part had been for the young men.   Remember I said that one went inside a store to call the police?  Well, I can only assume that the other three did not see him run inside and were briefly unaware of his whereabouts.  One of the young men responded with, "The worst part for me was the couple of minutes that I did not know where you were!"  WOW!  There is no better proof of maturity than when the strength and power of relationships is elevated to the top of the priority heap!  Amazing!

Relationships are everything!  Money, t-shirts and phones can be replaced!  Relationships Rule!  These young men and women demonstrated day-after-day their firm understanding of the value of relationships and I reveled in the youthful lesson!  Yes, our world will be in great hands!

Before I bring this essay to a close, I have to give a "Shout Out" to an establishment near our hotel in the Bayswater area of London located at 55-57 Queensway.  This restaurant serves some of the best Italian food I have ever eaten -- at reasonable prices, mind you -- in an atmosphere that is warm, friendly and welcoming -- by people who love people, no less!  We dined there three times during our brief stay -- most often as a "later in the evening" post dinner, dinner!  The name of the place is Bella Italia and they are simply amazing!  If you ever have a chance to visit London -- please visit Bella Italia!  You will certainly be glad you did!

One major life lesson was reinforced for me on this trip and that is the need to expand personal perspective.  I will write more on this later; however, for now let me say that I saw many whose backyard is the world!  Young adults from all over the world living, working or traveling in London whose world views expand far beyond their own country.  Our students demonstrated that same desire for expansion -- for awareness building!  It is that kind of perspective that engenders hope in my heart.  For so many of us, our world is our backyard -- limited, familiar and safe to our detriment.  During the shared difficulties we face as a world, I believe that we can all learn something from our youthful friends -- strive to make our backyards the world!

Peace!

Mark

Copyright 2008 Mark E. Hundley                

Description of images below: (1) Kacie and Mark prior to departure; (2) A close up of Stonehenge; (3) Mark in front of Stonehenge; (4) In front of Buckingham Palace prior to changing of the guard; (5) Big Ben; (6) Inside Windsor Castle.  More pictures to come!